Out of the Abyss...

[ediemarie]

My heart just isn't in this anymore.

Moreover, I don't believe a way back from this mess is even possible. I cannot stay here anymore. I know my H loves
me, but he doesn't love me in the right way. I cannot have this any longer. I have settled for far too long. H has been going through the motions in regard to our m and repairing it. His heart just isn't in it either.

I have been living in an empty marriage, almost from day 1, and I've been living a lie since then. I believed that
I could will us to a joyful union. Just because you want something badly enough doesn't mean you will get it.

Many thanks to all of you that have posted to me. I appreciate your insight and advice. This has been a beneficial
experience, albeit painful. You are all a blessing.

Em

[Sara]

EM,

I'm sorry things did not work out the way you wanted. You have always deserved better than your husband gave you. You certainly can say that you did all you could to save this marriage. I know you will go on to happier times in the future. Good luck.

Sara

[Jen_Jam]

EDieMarie

Ad long as you are doing this for you, and not to get a reaction from H, then that's good.

I'm sorry to hear it's come to this and you H could not listen better. I hope you'll continue to post to get the support you're going to need.

Take good care of yourself (((((EdieMarie)))))

[limbo]

Edie,

I am sorry that you have come to this! And what you write I can see alot of me in.
I think it is the same for me H just does love me in the right way anymore.
You do deserve better! We all deserve better.
Please keep in touch and let us know how you are doing!

Take Care

[cat03]

hey Ed, I hear you girl, on the same leaky boat here, my H just doesn't have it in him to go ahead and go full force to fix our M... however...
He is home, he's been out there and could've stayed out there but chose me, with lots of fear I believe, that it wouldnt' work out, and that's just not the way to go, so that's why our path is so bumpy.

If it were entirely up to my H we wouldn't be together at all. I worked to damn hard to go without a fight. Yes, you can't force anyone to love you the way you want to be loved, but perhaps, they are trying to find a way to do so. Here I am, recovering after a 2nd A with my H willingly not sleeping with me for 3 mths.
Yea, I want to throw in the towel, but then, what's next? Sure, I 've been alone and I can make it, the question is, if my H were crippled in some way, physcally, would I have held on? hell yes. My H IS crippled now, emotionally, and I wont' give up just yet. If after some time (a year? 6mths?) things are the same (there have been baby steps now) I see no change, then I will hang my fighting gloves.

We all have our limit, perhaps you've reached yours, but I see that you say your H loves you, he does want to end things at work even if he is taking a while, and I see a glimmer of hope.

My prayers your way hon)))))))))))))

[ediemarie]

Thank you all for posting to me. I appreciate all of your words of encouragement!

I had to take a week's break. I was beginning to get so depressed and being here was contributing to that rather than helping it. There was just something about coming here every day and reading and posting and not seeing changes - it was really bringing me down. I'm feeling better though and have some new developments (albeit confusing) to report. But yesterday we had a major R talk which is prompting me to post.

New Developments:
I have stopped asking H to quit his job - cheeseless tunnel - to say the least. For the level of emotion involved in the conversation, I was calm, cool and collected - something that I have been working on and trying to be. I haven't always been that way so I was really proud of myself during this conversation.

H told me yesterday that he hasn't quit his job because he can't commit to me. This is something that I have known for a really long time - duh - but something that he is just coming to realize. He said that attending Retrouvaille really opened his eyes to understand that he has never truly committed to me, and may never have the ability to do so, ever. We haven't had any sexual contact in 20 months - 20. He said the thought terrifies him - the idea of that level of commitment is just too much for him to deal with. To be married and sexually active on a regular basis is too difficult. Sex with OW only worked because he wasn't committed to her. Sex with me only worked outside of our marriage. Inside, it was terrifying (no wonder why we had it so infrequently).

He said that when he was in counseling last year his therapist told him that the problems in our R were because of him and his inability to commit. At the time my H didn't believe him and thus stopped going to IC. H believed I was the problem in our R and that I didn't love him or express it enough so he just 'fell" into an R with OW.

H is now saying that his lack of commitment has nothing to do with me - it is all about him. He is incapable of committing to anyone - even OW. He still says his R with her is over and he can't commit to her either, anyway. I just sat and listened to H talk about all of this. None of it is new to me. I knew/had come to this realization last year - this is the source of our issue. I get it. It is sad to see H go through all of this. He seemed so undone yesterday, but at the same time at peace because he could speak to me about all of this. I am trying to not internalize all of this and read too much into it. At one point it felt like he was breaking up with me. It was like I was in college all over again and the guy across the table from me was giving the "it's me, not you" speech. So parts of it were difficult to listen to. Naturally I suggested counseling. H misses going to Retrouvaille weekly - it really helped him and it gave him a real boost to be there every Friday. I said that if he really missed Retrouvaille then maybe counseling would help us or at the very least, we could go to CORE (Retrouvaille) group that meets monthly. He was receptive to all of these ideas - for a time - yesterday. He even said that he needs to go to counseling by himself first to deal with this and then maybe we could eventually go together. I agreed and said that would be helpful. At one point he said that he'd like for us to date again - like how it used to be. He doesn't want to his live his life without me, but he is doubtful that he will be able to ever commit.

Later in the day I hopped online to buy tickets to a local performance of A Christmas Carol. Last week H and I had discussed going during the Christmas season. While online I asked H if he still wanted to go - he said yes. I began picking dates at which point H said "you're not buying the tickets, now are you?" And I said "yeah, what's the big deal? I thought we could go in the middle of December." He said "well who knows if we'll even be together then?" This naturally took me off guard. He accused me of pressuring him into committing to something he wasn't sure he could do (going to a play in a month). I immediately backed off buying the tickets and told him that it could wait. I also said that I was really interested in seeing the play but if he didn't want to come with me, I could always find someone else to go.

I'm confused by all of this. It is extremely difficult not to internalize this. It's hard to think that he isn't planning on just up and leaving. I asked him if yesterday's talk was a break-up talk. He said it wasn't, but I'm left feeling really unsure about his answer.

I really feel like we are at the largest crossroads so far. I mean, I've been standing here for quite some time and H has just taken a little longer to get here. I know what path I want to go down and now H is finally looking at his choices and the path of least resistance is, of course, most attractive. The path with the brambles and pot holes and thorn bushes (read counseling) of course is not as fun. This relationship has never been more in his hands as it is today.

It is a strange situation that we find ourselves in. He is loving and kind to me at home. He shows me how much he cares for me. He does things for me, and is generous and giving. I see a real desire in him to please me. But he just can't commit to me. I am trying to leave this in his hands as it is his mess. I know I will be ok without him, life would just be so much more enjoyable with him.

In other news, I bought a slew of self-help books. How Can I Forgiven You by Janice Spring was the first one to arrive - great read! She explains the difference between Acceptance and Genuine Forgiveness. It has helped me tremendously in terms of coming to terms with my situation.

Thanks for reading!
Em

[limbo]

Edie,

I am glad to see that you have come back, I was wondering how you were doing!

I am sorry that things are going this way for you, but you do seem to have a good handle on you, which is the biggest part of the battle! And the one I struggle witht the most!

Take care of yourself!

[ediemarie]

Thanks Limbo! I don't really see this as all that negative. (or do I have my head in the sand?) H hasn't revealed anything new to me - I already knew all of this. I think it's kinda positive that he at least is recognizing he has a problem - I think that's a great step. I just don't know if he is strong enough to battle his demons. If he's a strong man, he will and we'll probably be ok - if he's weak (and all evidence has pointed to this) he will decide to just up and leave. The funny thing is, even leaving requires commitment - and I just don't think he has it in him to commit to anything....even leaving...time will tell.

I'm going to swing by later on and catch up on you. I hope things are going well!

Em

[cat03]

wow, I see lots of my H in your H (the no sex part, does sound like my H is also afraid to commit, to give of himself to me).

It is sad to hear them talk like that but at the same time it is good that the truth is out there, for all to see. He seems as lost as my H, T is not helping much now for now. I do hope that your H goes to C, remind him gently, perhaps get a name for him.

I'm glad you are filling your mind with good reads, you will need to detach even more and let him find his way back. Keeping you in my prayers)))))