More complicated than I imagined...

[Michael Mc C]

Just when things seem to be settling and getting easier, a new wrinkle comes into play. Again, one battle at a time. Here's the latest (although it's not the worst possible situation):

Every year we travel to my father's house for Thanksgiving in NC. It's one of our favorite places to be - we also spend a week there every year around Memorial Day - the beach is beautiful.

A few weeks ago, even though she told me she was through with us, she still planned on going to NC with the family. My first reaction was to accept this as a good sign, second reaction was "no, it's not a sign of her wanting to be with me, she just likes NC", third reaction was "Hell no. It's my family down there, not yours". All of these reactions were kept inside...

Anyway, earlier this week my father, who has no idea that we are in this mess, asked her to let him know when we were planning on arriving. She was very happy about it and confirmed that we would be there. After she got off the phone, she told the kids that we were going.

So this thought keeps coming back to me: If she had her way, she would be out the door - financially we can't do that though. If we were physically separated, I don't know that I'd want her to go along, meaning that part of living without me should include everything that living with me has to offer (that sounds so damn arrogant). If she was with the OM, there would be no way I would even consider her inclusion.

Since we're not physically separated, I feel torn on what to do here. I still want to tell her that I couldn't bring her down there in the midst of our current situation. Too many memories and too much like a "perk" when deep inside I don't feel as though she deserves one.

The other side of my head (heart?) is telling me that I'm just being spiteful. That I know she'll be hurt and disappointed by being left behind and that's the only reason I'd refuse.

Honestly not sure why I wouldn't want her there. It's still a while away (still have to get through our anniversary - not even thinking about that day). I guess it should be a wait and see approach.

Huh. Sometimes you can answer your own questions just by being here. I think I understand. I do want her to go, I just want it to be like it always has been - as loving husband and wife. I'm afraid that if we go there in our current situation, I will build up expectations only to be crushed again.

I have no interest in punishing her. If she still wants to go when the time comes, then I think I will need to be positive. I don't look forward to having the kids EVER spend a holiday with one of us out of the picture. I know that at some point this may be a reality but why rush it?

I will need to get a very clear picture of reality before going. It's a 10 hour drive and we'll be there for 6 or 7 days. I'm going to have to really prep myself for this in order to keep expectations at bay as well as being able to keep up a positive, self-assured attitude.

As luck (?) would have it, the OM lives about 30 miles from my father's house as the crow flies - pure coincidence. In order to get there though, it would take about 3 hours by car. Damn, I guess that's another thing to add to the pile of reality. What will I be thinking and what will she be thinking when we drive through his city...? If I time it right, she could be sleeping and miss that entire state!

Maybe we should just stay here for Thanksgiving!!! LOL

[JAK58]

Or maybe she needs to go to NC to your Dads and remember the good stuff herself.

I Honestly don't know how i would handle that sitch. Right now in your sitch i would be inclined to say that you would prefer she stay home as she doesn't want the family thing anyway but there are children involved and that wouldn't be good.

?????

You still have time to think about and see how the sitch moves.

JAk

[Michael Mc C]

I know I can't be the only one that has this issue but I have to write about it. I went to WalMart to get some new jeans this afternoon (down from a 42 to a 38 - Divorce Busting is a hell of weight loss program!!)

Right there at the front of the store they had the Mallowmars, my one real indulgence in the world of sweets - really, the 42 waist was because of the steak and the peanut butter (not at the same time).

Back to it, Mallowmars are only available here between September and April, I think, because the chocolate melts on the shelves. Anyway, it has been a ritual for my wife to buy me my first box of Mallowmars every year. So I grabbed them saying "well, no one else is going to get them for me", and I was fine with it. About 30 seconds later though I realized that no, really, no one else IS going to get them for me.

Such a stupid little thing like that and it pulled me down for hours. Okay, not stupid at all, but compared to everything else I have gone through with this, why do I have to accept the loss of EVERYTHING, even the small things??? Why can't it just be one big package deal and not be tormented everytime I run into some trigger?

So it got me thinking about our birthdays and Christmas and even the "just for the heck of it" times when we would find something meaningful and give it to the other.

So great, now I'm a mess writing this. Actually crying!! Had to move down to my office so wife doesn't hear (she's sleeping at the moment). Damn, I feel so manly!!!

:-)

I guess I was overdue for a meltdown. Haven't had one in about 4 weeks and, quite frankly, this one was a hell of a lot more "satisfying" (there has to be a better word than that, but I'll use it).

Maybe because the thought of losing something that is so thoughtful and tender, regardless of how small, affects me more than her turning to someone else for attention. It has to be because damn it, the meltdown is starting up again.

Suddenly the phrase "she means the world to me" seems so empty. It's not the world, it's everything in it. I couldn't come close to listing them but I'm sure everyone is familiar with the list - the smile, the laughter, the dreaming, the gifts, the shoulder to lean on, the "i'm proud of what you've accomplished", the thank you's and the "when are you coming up from work?". The coffee break she used to make me take every afternoon so we could catch up while the kids were at school.

This makes me start to think that I maybe I have taken her for granted and not been able to break it down enough. I give her big generic chunks like "you're a great mom" instead smaller pieces full of real meaning like "I love you for the way you stroke our kids' heads when their sick, and how you always know what homework assigments are due, and you know which pieces go to which toy and how you know exactly the right things to say to make one of there bad days good again."

I would give anything to tell her this now but I know I can't. Hindsight may help us learn but it can be so damn cruel (i.e., the truth hurts).

I know that we have had conversations like this where we pinpointed individual aspects and really shared our feeling. I also know it's been a long time since that's happened.

Holy crap, I'd better stop, I need to get back to where I was yesterday. I know I'm going to make it but I am such a wreck right now.

I tell you what though, I'm going to start copying these posts because if I ever get the chance to share my feelings with her and work this out, I'll be damned if I'd ever let myself forget to recognize and appreciate everything she's done. I'll make myself reminder cards if I have to!

Man, that was really friggin' hard to write.

Stupid Mallowmars!!!

[Dr LOve]

MMC,

You are not alone. I am the kind of guy that keeps a discarded piece of paper that has memories form something my W and I did.
It's hard but eventually you get to a point that the "Triggers"
Remind you of good times and do leave you with a happy thought.
Don't know your sitch but it Seems like you are already burying your past and it is not dead yet.
Things can change. Things will change. They always do. Sometimes we like the changes sometimes we don't but I can guarantee things are going to change.

Just take it day by day.
My thoughts are with ya
Husband

[Michael Mc C]

Thanks, you're right. I think I'm looking at things as if all is lost. Probably the wrong attitude there. Instead, I should be looking at these incidents and using them to bolster my determination to do everything I can to make DB'ing work.

Instead of thinking "damn, I'm going to miss that" I should be thinking "damn, I can't wait to get that back".

Ahh, the awesome power of positive thinking.

[saffie]

mcc - you are right - be positive.

Vent here and let it out here but be positive.

Those small chunks you talked about were lovely - they made me cry - the hair stroking, the school work assignments - noticing those things is great - she should be lucky you noticed them and at somepoint you will be able to tell her that.

saffie

[Dr LOve]

Ahh, the awesome power of positive thinking.

MCC,

I try so hard to practice this, I can send ya e-book (if I can find it) about how WE control our feelings if we are sad or happy.
It's hard work but it does work. (most of the time)
Husband

[saffie]

hey, husband - I would be interested in that.

saffie

[LuvMyHusband]

me too H. Please forward it to me. Mcc, I totally understand that you have been burying everything as if it's the past. Once I read that I think that's what I've been doing too. I feel like it's over and that nothing will change. I'm very afraid, angry and sad. It's hard to keep the PMA when you feel that way. I need to try harder to.

[Michael Mc C]

That would be great, thanks! Have a quick question: Any idea on how to go dark while wife is still living in the house? I know how to GAL with her here - just get out and do something for me. But how do you go dark in the present situation? I've tried but it would be so much easier if she wasn't here (crazy that I'm even saying that!!)

One thing that concerns me is that GAL'ing and going dark are going to be interpreted as me finally accepting the fact that our marriage has reached the end of the line when in fact this is far from the truth.

Maybe I shouldn't be concerned. In fact it could be better, I suppose, if she thinks this way. If she feels I'm still trying to work on us, it will continue to push her away - maybe?