More complicated than I imagined...

[Michael Mc C]

Hmm... or do I continue with GAL but refrain from going dark at this point? Maybe I should exhibit my PMA but still show that I do have a life again...

[saffie]

Do you feel the need to go dark?

saffie

[Michael Mc C]

Good question. Honestly I don't think I do. If she was not living here, I think that I might, at least I would refrain from initiating contact.

I don't want to be indifferent and walk around the house avoiding her waiting for her to strike up a conversation. It's just not natural. Maybe I need to go "gray", not completely dark.

In the end it's all trial and error like Michelle says I guess. Put a technique in place and then sit back and take note of the outcome. If it works, great, if not, change it up a bit.

Either way I do this, I know it will be tough. If I stay focused on my goals, it should make it at least bearable. One way or the other, the last thing I need her to feel is pressure. Whatever approach I take, she can't think it's a ploy. Even if she begins thinking that I've finally accepted the end of the marriage, the idea here is to have her WANT the marriage, regardless of how I feel.

[Michael Mc C]

...and if not WANT the marriage, at least be interested enough to want to spend more time together. Baby steps.

[Michael Mc C]

Finally, GAL'ing that doesn't feel awkward!

A friend of ours is having a birthday party Saturday night and W and I have been invited. I asked W about her interest in going and she's a bit hesitant. I think I may have mentioned that she has just about cut everyone out of her life that is not involved with her on-line game - I'm not sure if this is just an extension of that or if it's related to the cold she still has (or her lack of interest in driving the 40 miles to the restaurant with me).

Anyway, I told her that I would be going as our friend has come to my wife's last 4 birthday parties and our last 2 or 3 New Years parties (and it's a sushi restaurant, I love sushi).

Quick history: W and I rarely went to a social even without the other. Besides the Labor Day fishing trip with her brother (the weekend where the online romance REALLY heated up apparently) this would be the first time since May that I went out without her.

The friend is in her mid-20's and my wife has never been very omfortable around her as she (the friend) likes to be the center of attention. I would never rub her face in it or try to make her jealous or suspicous about this. If she doesn't go to the party with me, I will simply treat it as what it truly is - going to spend time with friends and having a good time for ME.

A little squriming wouldn't be too bad though, I have to admit.



BTW (not that anyone's asking): I have no romantic intersts in this friend. She's a beautiful woman but, besides the fact that I love my wife WAY too much to even consider seeing anyone, her realtionships are usually far more screwed up than mine!)

[Michael Mc C]

Well, W said she will not be going tonight and she seems pleased that I will be going without her. Not even going to try to figure out why she's pleased - what matters is that I'm pleased that I'm going.

On a more negative note, I just found out that she told my sister a few days ago that she's relieved that I have finally accepted the fact that she needs to get out of this marriage (I never told her that I accepted this but I guess it has been inferred some how). She told my sister that she has no interest in fixing the R and is really looking forward to being on her own.

Had a long talk with my sister last night about the situation. She's not sure why I am still allowing W to stay in the bedroom. I'm not sure I know why either.

I think part of me is still hopeful (must be, or I wouldn't be here!). Nothing physical has happened with her and OM (again, he's 400 miles away and they've never met) so it doesn't feel "wrong". I'm not sure that her moving out of the room would have any bearing on how she's feeling right now anyway.

I wonder, however, if I'm sending the wrong message. Maybe she's thinking I've accepted that our marriage is over and that's why I haven't asked her to move...

I don't want to have another R talk right now but maybe I need to explain to her that I haven't accepted that this is the end and because of our different feelings on the subject, sharing the bed is not a good idea.

Just don't want to undo any good I have already done through 180 and GAL'ing. Although based on the discussion she had with my sister, I don't know that ANY good has come of it yet.

[ediemarie]

Hi Mcc -
I just read your sitch, briefly, my H has bounced in and out of an EA/PA since 12/05. Things are finally clearing up a bit and we are working things out...I can identify with alot of what you have said and have been debating. The only advice I can offer is that you have to be constant. Your W is bouncing in and out - it appears - but for the sake of your kids and for the sake of your marriage, you have to be the one that is the "adult" in this situation. IMO, you should at some point in time, and soon, let your W know that you don't plan on going anywhere. You do not want a D, you want her, and you want to work things out. You are willing to do what it takes because you love her and your children. If she doesn't feel the same, she needs to take steps to move on. She should move out, or out of the bedroom, but you need to be clear with her that she shouldn't go around telling people that you accept her behavior or the fact that your M is over. This doesn't have to be a huge R talk. You could put this in a letter, you could tell her how you feel and then just validate her response without having a huge conversation. Once you have said this, you should focus on you. GAL, focus on your kids and live your life. I wouldn't bring up OM or the game, you are just going to have to live your life as you had been prior to the bomb, meaning that you should wear your wedding band and maintain a presence in your home. If there are things you have reconized about yourself that you need to change, work on changing them - for YOU, not to get your wife back. I wouldn't engage her in R talks unless she brings them up and even then spend most of your time listening, and reiterating that you want her, love her, and desire to work out your marriage. But, you will not be a doormat and then communicate the boundaries you require for the two of you to continue living under the same roof.

I know this is so much easier said than done. It's not easy to "sit around" and wait for the S to figure his/her crap out - but I will tell you that my H recently told me that he is thankful and appreciative of my devotion to him and to our M as well as impressed with the steps I have taken in evaluating who I am, and making necessary changes for my benefit. It took awhile for him to say it, but there was a time when I believed those words were never going to come from his mouth.

Hang in there!
Em

[Michael Mc C]

Thanks Em. I was thinking that I would write a letter. Our discussions have either been verbal or through email. I want to get away from emails. Although they're convenient, they are terribly impersonal. Then again, with D13, D11 and S8, running around, at least an email can't be accidentally left on the counter...

A few things that I've been toying with are the issue with the bedroom, the expectation for going to NC for Thanksgiving as well as our annual vacation to NC around Memorial Day. These are things that I don't think she's really thought about - but I don't want to appear that I'm holding them out there like a carrot ("come back, look what you can have...")

But I want her to understand the reality of the situation. Maybe simply discussing the bedroom will be a catalyst for her to think about other things she expects (NC and more) that don't really make sense given her present frame of mind.

So... tonight. Just got back from sushi - it was good, but not great. It's a new place meant for a younger crowd, felt like the old guy at the party. Had a great time though. Missed her a little but mostly on the drive to my BIL's house and then again back to my house after dropping BIL and his GF off.

[RedHeadWife]

I will tell you that my H recently told me that he is thankful and appreciative of my devotion to him and to our M

I honestly believe this was the saving grace in my M as well. H told me one time that he may have reacted differently had I gotten angry, etc. constantly over the whole thing.

I think just supporting and loving him through the whole thing instead of kicking his A$$ to the curb, as I sometimes wanted to, was what brought him around finally. Because of my support, etc., he realized that I was still the person that he loved.

[saffie]

mcc- emails do give you the chance to 'consider' what you say. Personally I found them very useful. You can always go back and reread them as well.

Saffie