Jeff...stepping out of DB. I hope your MIL is doing better. Pleurodesis ..chemicals irritate the outside of the lung surface and cause it to stick to the lining of the chest cavity, essentially sealing off the cells..or..gluing them together and stopping the fluid leakage. Think of it like a leaking blow-up kiddie pool and using the repair patch on the outside. Once the lung sticks, it stays expanded and it makes breathing much easier. It doesn't cure the problem but improves the symptoms.
Back to DB. I agree with above. I still think your W, in a sense, 'needs you' but, as you said to me almost a year ago, they have to 'hang on to that anger'. Keep up your positivity on the phone with her and DO NOT comment on her one line that irks you. I'd appreciate that.
Stength and honor. FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
MIL passed on this morning. This is my weekend with the kids - former W got the call last night and she left in time to at least see her mom for an hour or so before she passed.
She called me this morning. Emotional but strong. I must tell the kids tonight and I will take the kids down tomorrow. I am unsure about the funeral - this is so awkward.
I feel rotten. I loved my MIL and I should be by my W's side during this. Instead .....
This sucks. My life sucks. I so want my family back.
It does suck. It really sucks. All of it. I'm very sorry.
I've read your posts, you're a man among men when it comes to this stuff.
Stay strong, your family needs you right now. Even though one of them can't admit it.
-------------- The Forlorn Hope:...A picked body of men detached to the front to begin the attack....Fortified, meaning strengthened to stand...and thus, positioned for victory
She called me this morning. Emotional but strong. I must tell the kids tonight and I will take the kids down tomorrow. I am unsure about the funeral - this is so awkward.
I feel rotten. I loved my MIL and I should be by my W's side during this. Instead .....
Then why not use your intuition when you see her at the funeral and if it tells you to 'stand by her and be supportive' because she is giving off an 'I need your support' (not a 'I need ANYONES support') vibration then give the love and support to your children's mother, who has lost _her_ mother.
Sometimes just a hug, or touching her on the shoulder perhaps while saying something about her mother that you loved, that's support.
Remember that it's not 'being sorry for your loss' that helps us through this period. It's "I'm so glad I had the privilege to know her because.... and she'll always live on in our memories because..." and finally "I loved her, and I've missed her for a while".
She won't reach out to you, she's afraid to. Yet we've seen her try sometimes and then back off. This isn't about 'reconciliation', it's about unconditional love.
There are a few facts you can NEVER escape:
- Your XW is your childrens mother. Whenever you see her in emotional need, anything you do to be a support (as in 'what would Jesus do?') benefits your children.
- Nobody in the whole world knows her better than you. Nobody. Because of that, others may 'see her in need' and not know what to do. YOU will know what to do if you see that she is not getting the support she needs from her family. And if she IS getting the support she needs, you'll be satisfied and give them the space they need to mourn.
- You came here and educated yourself about relationships, real unconditional love and the differences between men and women. By doing that you made a commitment to being 'The Superior Man', the one who stands above pettiness and anger, and no matter what, gives love and support with no expectation of anything in return.
- Your MIL didn't divorce you. I believe that she never lost her feelings for you, how could she? You were TAKEN from her. Now, she'll only see you in death. Will you show her your strength, the new strength you've learned? Will you let YOUR love show through to honor her?
-- Why can't you escape these facts? Because you are aware of them. Most people who divorce are not. They're just angry and bitter.
You can't escape who you really are. While your MIL's passing was not something you wished for, it is an opportunity to step up and once again be the man you are meant to be. I would dare to say that MIL would expect that of you, wouldn't she? I'm positive that she loved you as much as you loved her.
Remember what we all know about divorce. It hurts EVERYONE. Including the IN-Laws who formed a bond. Think about that. She didn't want you to be cut out of her life. she had no choice and it's worse than being the kids of a divorce because she had no 'required' visitation. She lost all of it.
What a truly mindblowing post. There is a heck of a lot for all us to take away from it - thanks.
Jeff - although I don't make my way over here too much, I am sad about your loss. I had my MIL pass away over three years ago and I remember how bitter and angry W was towards me when I expressed my feelings on her passing. Frank is right - you will do the right thing...
Me 52, STBEX 52 D 17, S 12 M 20 years Em Sep since 2002, Phys Sep Sept 2009
-------------- The Forlorn Hope:...A picked body of men detached to the front to begin the attack....Fortified, meaning strengthened to stand...and thus, positioned for victory
Hugs for you Jeff. I hope you had a chance to read and take Franks wise words with you. The only thing I would add is that you are the father of your kids, that never changes thru a D or a funeral or while disecting the XIL family. They should always treat you with that respect but respect is earned and not just given. You can shine thru this, and the XIL family will remember.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Thanks so much for the powerful post frank_D. I was thinking some of those things but my thinking was all mixed up. Seeing your post set me straight. Owe you one my friend.
Long post - but it is worth a journal entry.
Yes, easy to see it when you see it written in one spot to see. Have courage, do the right and honorable thing, and use your intuition to guide you.
That is what I did. No, it was not "act as if" - it was not acting. It was being a man.
Finally.
I called former W Friday night and she first said her GF would pick up the kids Sunday if I could not come. I told her (I did not ask) I was leaving Sat and would be there mid day. She seemed pleased ("I appreciate it") but had the "it is up to you" attitude.
No problem. I will go with unconditional love and no expectations.
The kids and I left Sat and on the way stopped for a birthday present for FIL. He turns 76 Monday - the day they bury his wife of 54 years. MIL had just turned 74.
We got there after lunch; takes about 3.5 hrs. I packed some clothes but I was prepared to leave within the hour to return home if needed.
I met SIL also driving up. She jumped from her car and gave me a big hug. So glad to see me. I went into the house and FIL greated me as a son. SIL #2 also hugged me big.
And so did W. I hugged her tight and wispered in her ear about how special her mom was. For the first time in 20 months she hugged me back, big. But then she immediately withdrew.
No problem. I came with unconditional love and no expectations.
FIL and I went outside on the deck and we talked and talked. Funny, there were no men there, only W and her two sisters. FIL was a leader at his local men's organization and very involved in church. Where was his men support? Folks came and went all day bringing food over (a Southern tradition) but they did not stay long.
So I was FIL's "man" for the afternoon. We talked of many things. He told me how MIL "loved me so much" and never said anything ill about me. He said how he "missed her already" and saw an uncertain future. I said I understood fully; I missed MIL too. He talked of the house - the house they have been in for 40 years. Should he stay there? He said he is so afraid of being lonesome in such a big house. He stopped and looked at me and said "you know what I am talking about Jeff, being lonesome. You must be lonesome sometimes." Yes, I said I did.
That was the only reference to the divorce. Other that that I was his son.
W kept her distance. I had a conversation with each SIL and they really opened up to me about their feelings and there lives. I listened. They both asked about my mother and how she gave them hope b/c my mom had survived a serious illness; but their mom lost the battle. They still wanted to thank her.
W kept her distance. My instincts were spot on. So I pulled W aside Sat night, put my arm around her and told her I was there for her, I asked to spend the night and I thought it best that I leave Sunday before the service. I knew she would have plenty of support, she looked uncomfortable, and she needed to mourn her mother - but not me. She seemed glad. She then thanked me for interacting with FIL.
That broke the ice - she was more comfortable - but still at a distance.
Sunday was more of the same. More talks with FIL. At one point he asked if I wanted breakfast. I said no b/c it would not be the same without MIL's biscuits (hers were the best). He liked that remark even though it slipped out.
I was just being me, no acts. I am through acting to get validation from others.
Still, no men callers. These guys need to come here to learn about how men support each other.
When I left, my FIL could not let go. He teared up. One SIL did not understand why I was leaving.
I said goodby to W. I just wanted a quick hug since I got one before. Instead I got a bear hug. I hugged back. She waved and waved as I drove off - FIL appeared to be emotional.
A "superior man"? Far from it. But I feel good. I took a chance and did what I thought was right. No expectations. Yes, I could have stayed and maybe I could have "scored some points". But this is not a game and something was guiding me.
I believe I did the right thing, and I am pleased with me. I will miss MIL and my talks with FIL - priceless.
Plus I silenced the little boy - the boy who wanted to say to her family: take W out back and beat the stuffing out of her so that she can see ..........
I shead some tears on the way home - I understood the meaning of Strength and Honor.
