Still trying - Not very well

[limbo]

I didn't realize my last post locked!!! I couldn't figure out why no one had posted!!!!

We got matching tats on Friday, and to be honest have been very uncomfortable with it since!
Went to our retro post session on Saturday, had a few problems, the presenters had mentioned the 5LL alot and I said to H he should read, and basically he just brushed me off, so that pissed me off, and I was nodding my head alittle to much for my h liking when the presenters were talking about things like commitment.
We did work it out though, although it was hard especially when we are doing the post at a church and wedding are going on, we were stood outside talking about this when the happy bride and groom came out, and I broke down, it was hard not to!
The good news is that he started reading the 5LL last night..so thats a start.
I have somethings bothering me, h cancelled his facebook yesterday, it seems like it was after I posted to him I love him and about our tats, i think he cancelled it so that I can't do that and so the email ow can't see that can of thing.
I have a really strong desire to email her!

[Heartbroken]

Limbo,

1st of all DON"T EMAIL OW she is not the issue - just a symptom and you are giving her way to much power over you!!! I was confused about your last paragraph please restate...

It sounds like he is trying - started reading 5LL right!!!!

I have a great book I feel you should read - it's a very easy read and it really gets into why we think like we do and how to stop these thought attacks we go through constantly

It's called Slowing Down to the Speed of Life by Richard Carlson (Don't sweat the small stuff series) and a Joeseph Bailey. Please really try to get this - it's been a godsend for myself.

I feel you are trying to hard, spinning your wheels and trying to solve ALL your problems in one full swoop - please SLOW DOWN - you need to relax and step back a bit. Breathe....do something for you!!!! You seem to be over analyzing a tad too - I know BTDT!!! LOL!

Happy Monday! HB

[limbo]

Hb you might be right! I will keep my eye out for the book.

What I was meaning in the last paragraph....He started talking to the ow through facebook, on Friday I had posted on there that I loved him, and about us getting matching tats, so Sunday I see he has cancelled himself on there, I think its because he doesn't want ow to see that we are doing things like this, because he is telling her how bad his marriage is to me.

[Heartbroken]

Are you sure he is still in contact with her?

[limbo]

I can't be sure of anything, he has said that he isn't, he has claimed that he has had nothing from her since the big blow up email.
However I just can't see it, I know if I have had that kind of interaction with someone, then I am not going to let it go.
I just have this gut feeling that it is still continuing.

I do want to believe him, but its just so damn hard too, I have put my trust back in him so many times and then he just destroys it, and this time I am really struggling with getting it back.

[LoginName]

Hi, hope you don't mind me butting in. Price you pay for being on a public board :-)

limbo, I don't see a link to your other threads, so I haven't read your history. But even not knowing your sitch, I can tell you somethings that are true, that Heartbroken seems to know.

The OW doesn't matter. Really. It's so hard to accept and believe, but it's true. I've been there. Yes it hurts, it shakes you to your soul, but it's not important. In a way, it's your pain, your issue, to deal with, not your H's. Maybe he'll help you with the pain, chances are her won't. It's your issue. Allow yourself to cry, scream, hurt over it, but it's not important to your relationship. The OW is a symptom. Treat the cause.

I'm sure you've already heard this, but don't snoop. Don't. The OW doesn't matter. This is so hard to understand and do, but so important, not just to your R with H, but to you and your health and well being.

And like Heartbroken said, slow down. Give him space, lots of space, almost more space than you can stand. Detach a bit. And always, always GAL with a PMA. Take care of yourself.

I tried too hard at first. I wanted my W to read 5LL, other books, to talk about R, everything. I only made progress when I went back to the basics, Get a Life, Positive attitude, give her space. And doing all this for myself, not to win her back.

I look forward to learning your sitch and watching you acheive what you really need. I hope you don't mind me butting in, if you do, just say so.

Best wishes,

[limbo]

Thanks LN

I wish I knew how to link my posts!!

I have been "at this" for over a year, H had an EA/PA that ended fully in July of this year..We attended a retro weekend in September, and all seem to be well.
Yes through snooping find my H had reconnected with a very old flame through facebook...at my advice, I had said he should talk with family who lived a distance away.
He started talking to this women who had dated over a couple of summers when we was 18or 19....From seeing these interactions I could see how they were going, and I told him he was going into danger territory, however he swore they were just talking, at this time I didn't even know about the relationship they had.
Then through some big time snooping I found she had emailed him at work, and told him how she feels so close to him and regrets they didn't work, he then told her he felt they were sole mates, and wished that the child she had been pregnant with the last time he went back was his. He also told her that he would be on the next plane to her if she asked.

So we are now a couple of weeks past this, and to be honest this hurts more then when he had his actual affair. The depth of the emotion has been devasting to me, also the fact that we had been working so hard to build, that he could so easily do something so destructive.
So this is were I am at right now, trying to cope with this, and believe him, but its so hard! He is going to IC tomorrow, and to be honest I even worry that he isn't telling the truth with that!

[cat03]

oh honey, I didn't know the whole story, big hugs first))))))))))))

I can see that the MLC was/is messign with your H's head, no one in their right mind can come up with that flattering nonsense (soul mates, wish I was the father). It is their desire to look good, to impress, to put themselves in their best light that lead men to act like such @sses (my H told me how he promised OW the world when they were together (and through it all he wasn't planning on staying with her for too long) this past summer and how pissed she must be about him leaving her).

Those are irational emotions your H displayed, love is deep pure and serene, not a wild rollercoaster.

I pray that you love yourself enough to detach from him and to understand that you are very very valuable and not some old fantasized memory he latched on like (ow)

[limbo]

Thanks Cat!

I wish I just knew when he was going to come out of this! I truly hope that with the IC he starts tomorrow that he can work this out!
He know is wrong, but just can't seem to help himself.
He said that he just finds it hard to resist, as he didn't have alot of attention from females when we was younger and so now he can't believe that its happening to him!
The sad thing is, these haven't been women who have it all together, these are both women who have been in bad relationships, and so are obviously looking for something to make themselves feel better, they couldn't really give a crap about him, they just want to feel better themselves! And because he is feeling crappy about himself he is ripe for it!!! And they know that!
I do find it hard to detach myself from this, because I just can't understand how he can say he loves me, and then hurt me in such away.
But I am trying, everyone says its not my fault, and I have to come to see that! I have done everything in my power to make us work, and I have changed alot about myself.
However I have become insecure, which is never something I was before! and now I have to work at changing that! Its a hard journey! But it helps to know that I am not alone in this!!

[ediemarie]

Hi! Thanks for coming by my thread!

Hugs, Limbo! I am so sorry that things aren't smoother for you, too! I hope that C will work - I think Retro was such a positive experience. Without it my H wouldn't even consider C - was your h the same? I long for all of this to be in the past, I know you do too.

Hang in there! Focus on you. Do something to make you feel better because this ISN'T your fault. Your H has commitment issues that HE needs to work out - (you already know that!). You are doing everything in your power to make this the best R possible. You are strong and courageous!

Limbo, I think your H does love you - he doesn't love himself. He doesn't have the ability, right now, to totally commit. IC will help this.

Thinking of you!
Hugs