Take the emotions out of it and start looking at this thing as objectively and pragmatically as possible.
Do what it takes to stop focusing on what's wrong and start feeling good and human and happy - regardless of what's going on around you. Challenge your normal. Face some of your fears.
Get a goal - I'm not really good at all the organization involved in these parts but I've always had a big goal (which actually had nothing to do with my M) - It's been my distant beacon when things were extra rough.
Hang in there. There is no magic wand and you gotta override the huge desire sometimes to just give up.
The old screen that used to show before you got here - right off said "they know this isn't the place to come complain about their spouse" - yet so many people do just that. I find that a great many people come here as another outlet to pour out their emotions and I think most of us who try to turn it toward Michele's stuff have been rebuked pretty hard several times an then chided by others. Because they're still stuck in that mindset of the psychological standard - THAT IS NOT MICHELE'S STYLE!!! And I'm not speaking for the lady one bit - I'm just familiar with her work and have seen her in action here on the boards on occasion. She's told people to do things that have made my jaw drop! But I've tried a few of those very things and they really do work. She's on to something people and she's providing you all tools and an outlet to do it.
I know just how hard it is and can be. I understand the need for support and venting and tears and all that other stuff - just more people need to understand that a little of that goes a LONG way and too much/habitual any of it is just more of the same and gets in the way of getting anywhere or making change. For many of us, it's the busy work we do because we don't want to do the real work. And it's socially acceptable - but it doesn't make it right or good.
So get strong (and don't feel bad or guilty for it). Get happy as much as possible. And most importantly (to me) - pretend you are an outsider in this and the situation is happening to two other people that you don't know.
You will not fail if you do this stuff. Even if your R ends - you will not fail and your SO and any kids will most likely be better off as well, somehow. Really - any of us who have truly gotten to that point will tell you that. It doesn't mean we still don't cry or get angry or fall backward a bit sometimes - it just means that we aren't captive to it - we choose to live instead and have developed the skills and new habits to make it an opitmal choice.
I keep cruising through Newcomers just to see if there's any good stuff happening here... what a good thread. This thread was a godsend to me. I got so mired into this "forest" again that I was unable to see the trees with my sitch. You forced me to think again
Here's some stuff I've done that's really been helpful to me:
- I helped a friend who's husband recently passed away to paint her new home. Physical work combined with buddying up with someone else who's experienced a loss helped me a lot. She's gone through some tremendous experiences lately (tragic death of an spouse and cancer) and her attitude has really helped me along... it's infectious. She's a really positive person and doing something for her that she couldn't do (she's still having a hard time doing really physical work) was helpful to me. I'd suggest to anyone that they buddy up with a same sex friend to accomplish something together... it's a great feeling to know you can mutually support each other.
- Updating my appearance. I never believed I was unattractive, but I realized I probably looked like the geek I am. (I wear the label geek proudly -- hey... it puts food on the table and it's a great career.) So, slowly over time as my budget could handle it, bought new clothes, changed the makeup, decided to break the contact habit and change my glasses... I shake it up between wearing a couple of pairs of different glasses and my contacts... changed the hairstyle... made sure the DB diet weight loss stuck... small things like that add up to big changes over time.
- Made it a point to meet new people outside of my normal circles. Most of my friends were work related (coworkers and clients). But I learned ways of meeting people outside of geekdom too. It broadens your perspective a lot to do that, and forces you out of self-inflicted "caves."
- I've started to learn to meditate. That helps me a lot to focus myself... although I still would like to make it a good habit yet. When I get distracted or upset, I toss this aside and begin to flounder emotionally/mentally. This requires some discipline. But... the discipline slowly returns after I tell myself to snap out of the self-pity mode.
- I write. A lot. Even though it's my "real" job. It helps me focus my thoughts... even if what I write ends up being deleted. I guess the skills I've learned to present an idea or a thought and organize the materials professionally kind of helped me there... it's helped me to know that I have an outlet for venting, thinking, organizing my thoughts when I am alone and unhappy and need to communicate. I learned I am my own best listener
Here's a quote from Phoenix from another thread. I love this lady!!
Quoting Phoenix: I think mostly the big battle left for you is with yourself. Getting to the point where your R with him is your choice instead of your emotional need.
So, what does this mean to you? Do you know the difference between choice and need?
Have you really made the "choice" yet?
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
I really love this thread! I have to come back and read it often. Kansha's post is particularly helpful in my sitch. It is so hard to back away, and let go of your WAS, but you HAVE to if you are going to survive. The part about the drop in PMA before you reach a new level of detachment is so true to. And knowing that helps you get through the down days. Keep adding nuggets of knowledge! I will be checking back! Josa
Hi Jamesjohn, sg; sorry to hijack this thread, but could someone take a look at Mica's thread and give some advice? I agree with Phoenix about what this BB is for and, although I do use it to vent and have received great support, the DB principles are still being applied here as much as I can.
I have tried directing Mica to Michele's threads, and asked her if she's read the books or set goals etc but nothing seems to happen. I don't know how to help this one!
