is it wrong of me to ask what the status is of kansha just because i am curious? some of the stuff she is doing is really tough. i never regretted not having children but another person around here would be helpful. this is a great thread. i feel i made that decision about loving my h thats what gives me strength. jz
Hi JJ, Justed wanted to stop by and say thanks again. You are right love is a decision. I have struggled with that thought these last seven months--and I imagine I will continue to struggle with it at times. Still have along way to go--but starting to take those baby steps. Have to find a way to tell my w that love is a decision and not a feeling. Thanks once again. PKD
Would someone tell my H that, please? That his 'love' for OW is a choice? That he could have made a choice to stay with me and work on us? He thinks he had no choice.
Anyway - I stay with my first nugget - patience is your friend. Be patient with your SO, and yourself. Mary
Here's a quote from Soupman from another thread. This was so good I thought it should be shared with all.
If you go back and read the success stories here on the board you'll find they all contain the following elements...
-- successful DBers cherish their spouse and show a great deal of compassion. THey almost always keep their pain to themselves... they "act as if" things are normal in their life. -- successful DBers are outstanding listeners. They let their spouse do 80% of the talking when there is dialog. When they speak they speak 'lovingly' with candor and honesty. -- successful DBers validate their spouse's feelings even when they disagree with them. -- successful DBers have clarity about their life and their goals. -- successful DBers make a commitment to be in this for the long-term. They know that this will take time. So they become the master of patience. They make time their friend. -- successful DBers also make sure they focus on themselves in every way.
One of the thinhs that I have realized is: Never, ever argue with a WAS. Whatever they said, validate their feelings eventough you do not agree with what they say. Remember, you may win the battle with arguments, but you will lose the war. I will go far to say, you need to change the way you speak to a WAS. Speak softly as possible and talk less. Let them do all the talking, it's a good way for them to feel at ease.
Here's something from the most "wisest" of us all!!!
Quoting Michele: Thank you all for your kind words! As usual, I appreciate it.
Rjoin, I know it's hard to be nice when you're angry. First of all, if you haven't, you need to read the books everyone else has read around here. Start with Divorce Remedy if you haven't read it yet. It will help you understand what's happening and make it easier for you to behave in a way that is more likely to help you reach your own goal.
One of the biggest mistakes people make is to place too much emphasis on what you're feeling at the moment. feelings are just emotions that come and go. They are triggered by events and thoughts that you are having. It's important to be in touch with your feelings, but it's even more important to realize two things. First, your feelings often misguide you. They're not always right and shouldn't be your guiding light. Secondly, your feelings don't have to dictate your actions. YOu can feel a certain way and make a conscious decision to act another way.
We do this all the time. For example, when my kids were little, I didn't always feel like reading them bedtime stories because i was tired or preoccupied. But because i wanted to be a good mom, I ignored my feelings and read anyway. In other words, I had a goal- to be a good mom- and I made a conscious decision to ignore my feelings that would have led me off the path to my goal.
You can do exactly the same thing. You can feel resentment about your husband's bad choices but realize that your resentment will push him farther away and therefore choose to act differently. Yes, it's hard at first, but it gets easier with practice. So, practice. Practice makes perfect, well, not exactly perfect. But it makes DBing a whole lot easier.
Hang in there. Michele
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
Larry and Jo Ann were an ordinary couple. They lived in an ordinary house on an ordinary street. Like any other ordinary couple, they struggled to make ends meet and to do the right things for their children.
They were ordinary in yet another way - they had their squabbles. Much of their conversation concerned what was wrong in their marriage and who was to blame.
Until one day when a most extraordinary event took place.
"You know, Jo Ann, I've got a magic chest of drawers. Every time I open them, they're full of socks and underwear," Larry said. "I want to thank you for filling them all these years."
Jo Ann stared at her husband over the top of her glasses. "What do you want, Larry?"
"Nothing. I just want you to know I appreciate those magic drawers."
This wasn't the first time Larry had done something odd, so Jo Ann pushed the incident out of her mind until a few days later.
"Jo Ann, thank you for recording so many correct check numbers in the ledger this month. You put down the right numbers 15 out of 16 times. That's a record."
Disbelieving what she had heard, Jo Ann looked up from her mending. "Larry, you're always complaining about my recording the wrong check numbers. Why stop now?"
"No reason. I just wanted you to know I appreciate the effort you're making."
Jo Ann shook her head and went back to her mending. "What's got into him?" she mumbled to herself.
Nevertheless, the next day when Jo Ann wrote a check at the grocery store, she glanced at her checkbook to confirm that she had put down the right check number. "Why do I suddenly care about those dumb check numbers?" she asked herself.
She tried to disregard the incident, but Larry's strange behavior intensified.
"Jo Ann, that was a great dinner," he said one evening. "I appreciate all your effort. Why, in the past 15 years I'll bet you've fixed over 14,000 meals for me and the kids."
Then "Gee, Jo Ann, the house looks spiffy. You've really worked hard to get it looking so good." And even "Thanks, Jo Ann, for just being you. I really enjoy your company."
Jo Ann was growing worried. "Where's the sarcasm, the criticism?" she wondered.
Her fears that something peculiar was happening to her husband were confirmed by 16-year-old Shelly, who complained, "Dad's gone bonkers, Mom. He just told me I looked nice. With all this makeup and these sloppy clothes, he still said it. That's not Dad, Mom. What's wrong with him?"
Whatever was wrong, Larry didn't get over it. Day in and day out he continued focusing on the positive.
Over the weeks, Jo Ann grew more accustomed to her mate's unusual behavior and occasionally even gave him a grudging "Thank you." She prided herself on taking it all in stride, until one day something so peculiar happened, she became completely discombobulated:
"I want you to take a break," Larry said. "I am going to do the dishes. So please take your hands off that frying pan and leave the kitchen."
(Long, long pause.) "Thank you, Larry. Thank you very much!"
Jo Ann's step was now a little lighter, her self-confidence higher and once in a while she hummed. She didn't seem to have as many blue moods anymore. "I rather like Larry's new behavior," she thought.
That would be the end of the story except one day another most extraordinary event took place. This time it was Jo Ann who spoke.
"Larry," she said, "I want to thank you for going to work and providing for us all these years. I don't think I've ever told you how much I appreciate it."
Larry has never revealed the reason for his dramatic change of behavior no matter how hard Jo Ann has pushed for an answer, and so it will likely remain one of life's mysteries. But it's one I'm thankful to live with. You see, I am Jo Ann. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
While waiting to pick up a friend at the airport in Portland, Oregon, I had one of those life-changing experiences that you hear other people talk about -- the kind that sneaks up on you unexpectedly.
This one occurred a mere two feet away from me. Straining to locate my friend among the passengers deplaning through the jetway, I noticed a man coming toward me carrying two light bags. He stopped right next to me to greet his family. First he motioned to his youngest son (maybe six years old) as he laid down his bags. They gave each other a long, loving hug. As they separated enough to look in each other's face, I heard the father say, "It's so good to see you, son. I missed you so much!" His son smiled somewhat shyly, averted his eyes and replied softly, "Me, too, Dad!"
Then the man stood up, gazed in the eyes of his oldest son (maybe nine or ten) and while cupping his son's face in his hands said, "You're already quite the young man. I love you very much, Zach!" They too hugged most loving, tender hug. While this was happening, a baby girl (perhaps one or one-and-a-half) was squirming excitedly in her mother's arms, never once taking her little eyes off the wonderful sight of her returning father. The man said, "Hi, baby girl!" as he gently took the child from her mother. He quickly kissed her face all over and then held her close to his chest while rocking her from side to side. The little girl instantly relaxed and simply laid her head on his shoulder, motionless in pure contentment.
After several moments, he handed his daughter to his oldest son and declared, "I've saved the best for last!" and proceeded to give his wife the longest, most passionate kiss I ever remember seeing. He gazed into her eyes for several seconds and then silently mouthed. "I love you so much!" They stared at each other's eyes, beaming big smiles at one another, while holding both hands. For an instant they reminded me of newlyweds, but I knew by the age of their kids that they couldn't possibly be.
I puzzled about it for a moment then realized how totally engrossed I was in the wonderful display of unconditional love not more than an arm's length away from me. I suddenly felt uncomfortable, as if I was invading something sacred, but was amazed to hear my own voice nervously ask, "Wow! How long have you two been married? "Been together fourteen years total, married twelve of those." he replied, without breaking his gaze from his lovely wife's face. "Well then, how long have you been away?" I asked. The man finally turned and looked at me, still beaming his joyous smile. "Two whole days!" Two days? I was stunned.
By the intensity of the greeting, I had assumed he'd been gone for at least several weeks if not months. I know my expression betrayed me. I said almost offhandedly, hoping to end my intrusion with some semblance of grace (and to get back to searching for my friend), "I hope my marriage is still that passionate after twelve years!"
The man suddenly stopped smiling. He looked me straight in the eye, and with forcefulness that burned right into my soul, he told me something that left me a different person. He told me, "Don't hope, friend... decide!"
Then he flashed me his wonderful smile again, shook my hand and said, "God bless!" With that, he and his family turned and strode away together. I was still watching that exceptional man and his special family walk just out of sight when my friend came up to me and asked, "What'cha looking at?"
Without hesitating, and with a curious sense of certainty, I replied, "My future!"
Dream what you want to be.................. Make a decision where you want to go...................... Be committed to it and be what you wanted to be........ Because you have this precious life and chance to do all the things you want in life.......!
