Nuggets of Wisdom from the Veterans!

[va-andy]

Up to the top with this one!

[Jamesjohn]

Here's a nugget from my dear friend KentS......

Expectations!

[Jamesjohn]

lostlove started a "most excellent" thread over in piecing that I thought needed to be linked to here!!

what makes piecing difficult for you?

Newcomers should glean all the wisdom they can from the great people that are posting on that thread!!

[Jamesjohn]

"The more you work the program, the more the program will work for you."

The situation that you're in right now, especially as a newcomer, is probably one of the most difficult, most emotionally-charged situations that you've ever faced. Although you may feel that you need to "react" and respond to this situation "right now", doing so blindly may only hold you back in your efforts.

When you first got your book, did you go back to the index pages, and look for advice on your particular situation?! I must admit that I did! Many "self-help" books that I've read are layed out so they have some very specific "answers" to very specific "problems". They work on a "one-size-fits-all" theory, which, although it might make them "popular" at the bookstand, it doesn't always help to make them "effective".

Even though all of us here have some things in common, each of our situations is unique. On the other hand, although our situations are unique, the answers to our problems will usually have one thing in common: learning how to be solution-oriented.

Take care to not skip over any of the "methods" here, or any of the chapters in the books, thinking that they don't apply to you. You might find something "hidden" in them that will give you some ideas on how you can help create positive changes in your relationship.

Don't work harder, work smarter!

[Jamesjohn]

Here's some wisdom from Trying24now that she posted on JPDW's thread that I thought belongs here, too!!

JP

I'm just afraid that I'll be going through what T2 went through when her H tried to come home too early. And that I have a LOT more pain and waiting to go through before H and I will REALLY get our marriage back together on a strong foundation

Then DON'T....

Here are some of the things I did during Hs and my 1st attempt to reconcile that RAN him back out of the house.

I was whiny (literally I cried over everything from a glance to a "cold hearted word")

I hounded him constantly about his whereabouts and no matter what he answered I'd 'act as if' he was lying. I was trying to show him that he couldn't be trusted.

I searched his car for evidence of a continued A. (found nothing but he knew I'd done it and of course resented that)

I checked his cell phone after he went to sleep at night and wrote down all the numbers into and out and then checked them on the reverse phone number web site. I made myself nuts doing this, never found another womans #, but did continued to make myself nuts doing it anyway.

I threw his A and my fear in his face on an almost daily basis.

I kept myself so paranoid and miserable that I BUILT a case against him even with no "proof" or indication that there really was a reason to.

I teetered between clingy and cold.

I pushed for "intimacy" in a way that made HIM feel like he had to prove something to me. (It made him nuts, but I kept pushing anyway)

I did everything wrong that you can imagine. I sabatoged my own reconciliation with my fear, neediness and need for "pay back."

So, if YOU'RE happy that he's back, and you're REALLY looking to renew your M...DON'T do any of the stuff that I did or your attempt at reconciliation will implode.
T2


LOL PS: Just re-read my post and had to laugh, seeing that all in writing made me think...geez, no wonder it didn't work and no wonder he's gun shy about coming home again. I'd be gun shy too if I knew there was a chance that I'd have to endure all that crap for another 4 months.

[imalright]

JJ,
Good thread!
Yes, it is getting easier. The more I keep doing it the easier it gets!

Don't forget to smile like you know something that no one else does.

I do feel like I know something that some people don't! That I'm making a decision,a choice to hang in there and wait for my H to go through the MLC tunnel. I now empathize what he is going through. And even though I have a few friends that think "I've lost it" I haven't. We all make mistakes and if my H is willing to forgive me for the bad choices I have made, I'm willing to forgive him for his. We have made the decision NOT to get a D, but we are still separated, I know I'm not ready for my H to come home until he is ready to make a commitment to our marriage. We are becoming friends again and are starting to feel comfortable around each other. There are times, things he does irritate me. But, I hold them down and talk them down inside me. Patience is something I'm going to get good at. And I'm learning to forgive now. I feel good about myself, because I'm learning to control my inner self (down boys!)My H still is seeing the OW, but now even this doesn't irritate me. I just think of it as "he has to do what he has to do" He has to figure this one out on his own.
Deb

[Jamesjohn]

Here's Gbon's response to.....

I don't seem to be having *any* luck DB'ing, and am starting to think the M is hopeless, and thinking about giving up. There are just certain things I don't know how to deal with. My W attitude has changed SO much.

My W wants a D, and wants me to file. EVERY time we talk, she brings it up. We've now agreed that I will file within the next month. But I'm clueless as to how to act between now and then. Any pointers???

A few things.

First, since you are aware of her EA with online guy, let that topic die. Unless she brings it up, just forget about OM. If she does bring it up, then sit back, let her talk, and listen. You might have to let the thing with OM play out in its entirety, so relax and be prepared to have your patience tested to its absolute limit.

Second, it might have been a mistake to tell her you will file for D. Your best bet would have been to have her do it under the pretense that you would like to see the marriage work out. Since you have already agreed to file, you might want to tell her that the communication needs to be better between the two of you if you are going to work out any differences due to the upcoming (hopefully not) divorce proceedings and the money issues. USE THIS TIME WISELY. View this as a window of opportunity to communicate with her and use some new skills for interacting with her without starting an arguement or fight. Be calm and poised, always.

Third, from an outside perspective, I don't think your sitch is as bad as it appears. Learn to control your actions and emotions. I've said it many times, but the person in the relationship who controls themself the best always has the edge even though it may not be apparently so.

[Jamesjohn]

Here's a nugget I "stole" from another thread!

Poster: imalright12960
Subject: Re: Know what you want!

T2holding on, the sane1,
Thank you for all your support. Been reading the DR book and that makes a difference! You must picture a future with your spouse! That is the only way to be successful, picturing the final result.
I am doing wonderful and my goal is to keep my PMA up. I know I will have bad days, but I hope they will be less. I am in MLC and find I'm in the last stage, closing the doors one by one. I only have a couple left to close, thank God. I do believe my H is going through the last stages too. I am here whenever he feels the need to be around me. I'm going to sit on the curb and wait for him, but keep living my life too. We each had to go through this journey, the first part together and now on our own. We will reunite in the end as I know this is my destiny! So picture your destiny, breath it, dream it, the more you do the more you will believe it will happen. And then all of a sudden you will be there actually doing.
Deb

[Jamesjohn]

********************************************************

An old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that was going on inside himself.

"My son, it is between two wolves. One is evil: anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego."

"The other is good: joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

The grandson thought about it and then asked, "Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee replied, "The one I feed."

********************************************************

Which wolf are you going to feed today?

[Jamesjohn]

From Greg

*******************************************************

A few tips about OM/OW talks.

Tip#1: Listen

Tip#2: Listen

Tip#3: Listen

Yer spouse is looking for someone who will listen to them without trying to control them. If you don't, they will turn to someone who will. Don't offer fixes or try to coerce your spouse into leaving their relationship with OM/OW. And never badmouth the OM/OW.

The idea is to create as large of a 'safety zone' for your spouse as possible. A zone where your spouse feels comfortable talking to you about anything. A zone in which you can further fight for your cause by displaying the changes you have made to yourself. This is much easier to do if you are on good speaking terms with your spouse.

Stay away from saying things that give the walkaway the impression that its OK for them to f*ck around on you with OM/OW. Things such as: "I hope you have a wonderful life with him(her)", If you love him(her), then maybe you should be with him(her)", "Do you love him(her)?", etc... Avoid using OM/OW's name when you speak to your spouse. Basically, speak to them like OM/OW does not exist. I guarantee your spouse will find it very odd that you totally look past OM/OW.

Things you can say: "I hope you find the happiness you are looking for", "Anyone would be lucky to have you", "I appreciate you being so open and honest with me".

Peace,

Greg