Nuggets of Wisdom from the Veterans!

[PKDII]

Hi James John, Found this information very helpful, Thought I would give you a quick bump. PKDII

[Jamesjohn]

From DB Coach Laurie!

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Mallin,
You use the word "limbo", but it seems there is progress being made. You are making positive changes for yourself AND your R and she is taking noticeable, small steps toward your R. However, this waiting is driving you nuts, right?

Let me tell you what I hear from spouses that have decided to leave, but then see their partner make amazing positive changes. First, the WAW or WAH tend to believe the changes are just a ploy to keep them from leaving – they don’t believe these are real changes. Then after some time, they still don’t trust the changes but begin to get curious, maybe even hopeful that their spouse’s changes are real – but they are still very “on guard” with their feelings. At this point, they are usually not willing to admit they notice the changes or appreciate them. They need more time to believe in the changes. They may even distance or create conflict somehow to “test” the new improved changes in their spouse – to see if they're authentic. Or, this could be a time when the WAW or WAH respond in some positive behavior, but as already noted, are not yet ready to verbally acknowledge these changes.

Then, at some point, possibly many months, they begin to trust and enjoy the changes. They may verbalize their appreciation or simply be more hopeful and responsive in their actions.

Michele offers a great overview of how changes get put into place and progress is slowly made in the DR chapter called, “Pulling it All Together”. I believe those would be very helpful to reread. (Notice that “Carol’s” example covered of over at least one year.)

Mallin, I’d encourage you to be patient. And, I know there are many on this site that have gone through this and will verify how important it is to plan on changes happening very slowly and to hold onto your patience. I wish you well, Laurie

[geebo2b]

If you place everything you have, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, into salvaging your relationship, you're going to drain yourself down to nothing.

You'll be so deep into the forest, that you won't be able to see the trees. You won't be able to see some of the obvious solutions that are sitting right before your eyes.

YES, this is true. I am doing a lot of things for myself, BUT, often, without realizing it, I get myself into an 'obsess aabout the relationship mode' and next thing I know I am on thee boards almost 24/7 and the pain of the break-up starts hammering me without letup.

Then I read something like this and 'take' my life back'

Tonite, I started Ballroom Dancing and for the hour and 15 min. I was there I completely forgot about my sitch and actually enjoyed myself!

I can go to Ballroom dancing 3-4 times a week so I am going to do that for now.
Tonite I learned to waltZ, Salsa and Swing. This is something I have wanted to do for years.
Thank you JJ for the reminder to focus on me so as not to burn out.
I was at the end today until I went to Ballroom class in the evening.
I feel refreshed emotionally and I now have something that I look forward to rather than waiting for the 'ohone to ring' .

[Jamesjohn]

"Venting" can be a great release for your emotions, and can often help you to get things off your chest, and back to a place of calmness. The people on the board here are fantastic for listening, and can be very compassionate to you, as they can understand most of what you're going through.

However, TOO much venting ain't gonna take you to the place you need to be. Don't get too lost in your feelings, and don't dwell in them too long. They're bound to lead you astray, and you'll get nowhere.

Focus on using the basic techniques that Michele has taught us. That's what most of all the "success stories" around here have done. Vent as you must, but also ask yourself what you can "do" next to help you move forward in your efforts. Don't get stuck in doing the same thing over and over again. Concentrate on being "solution-focused".

[Jamesjohn]

I saw this little nugget that midwest wrote, and thought that it belonged here!!

Think expectations for a minute. You know how H never meets them. Think about our expectations as preplanned resentments. HMMM. So if we let go of the expectations then we won't resent them. Or be unhappy with us for not meeting our own expectations. What do you think??

"preplanned resentments"

Wow, I like that! Sort of puts a whole different twist on things for me, how about you?!

[Just_Me]

I agree. Excellent advice. I know I've been crushed when expectations are not met or become mad at my ex-W. Our spouse isn't required to meet our needs.

But on the other hand I think it does somewhat go with the DB territory. We "act as if" everything is going to go swimmingly and then if it doesn't we are bound to have some negativity about that.

[NYsurvivor]

But on the other hand I think it does somewhat go with the DB territory. We "act as if" everything is going to go swimmingly and then if it doesn't we are bound to have some negativity about that.

"Acting as if" everything is dandy doesn't need expectations to be met. If everything was indeed going fine, then we wouldn't have to act as if they were, so when things don't go fine... that's a given. Whether expectations would've been met or not, one is still able to "act as if" everything's just fine.

If negativity sets in because expectations aren't met, that's where detachment comes into play so as not to have that kind of emotional reaction - and not having expectations, of course.

[TJBrk]

Great thread. About the venting. Well this place has helped me alot. But sometimes you let things sit inside of you for too long and then they can come out at you in a bad way. Now in my sitch I could yell at my WAW for a long time, and it wouldn't get me anywhere. But I really don't have an outlet to blow steam off.

So when I get angry I quickly right down what I'm angry about in my journal. Then put it aside. No long explanations. Then at night I go and type out a long rant letter to my WAW putting down all those stupid things you might say and could never take back from a moment of anger. When I'm done writing the letter I print it out. I read it, then tear it up, and then delete the file.

And after I do that it feels like a giant load has been taken off of my shoulders, and I feel mentally free. Just my .02

[sgctxok]

[Jamesjohn]

Here's a good one from sparkie!!

What is the difference in looking for answers than looking for solutions?

Looking for answers vs looking for solutions.

You driving your car and you get a flat tire. You get out and:

A. Stand there staring at the flat tire, looking for an answer. What caused the tire to go flat? The answer may not be so obvious. Loose valve stem? Picked up a nail in the road? Rim leak? Could be one of many reasons but you're wasting time and not moving forward.

B. Think of a solution that will enable to continue on your way. What can I do to make this situation better. The solution is obvious, change the tire and go on your merry way. You'll find the answer later at the service station.

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