Here's something really great that MAL posted on another thread! "Solution-oriented" in action!!
Quote: Cathy, I had a similar experience with a coworker years ago.
He used to say things to irritate me, simply because he know he could get to me. I would respond with some smart comment. I tried ignoring him. I tried defending myself. I tried to put him down. Nothing worked, and he kept doing it...making me more mad and more miserable. He would always find something bigger or better to say. After awhile, work became miserable for me.
I didn't want to complain to my manager, because it seemed childish to do so. So the insults and ridicule continued.
During a Pyschology class one night, I mentioned this, and the teacher gave me some advice...
The next morning, this guy started in on me as normal.... Instead of ignoring him or saying something back, I got real quiet...walked across the room to his desk where he was sitting. I walked up to him, leaned over, and gave him a very big hug.
Then I said "G*****, I love you, and I'm glad you work here in our office."
He was speechless! All he could do was giggle this stupid giggle he used to have.
You know what? He never joked me after that day.
If I had known it was that simple, I would have done that long ago.
Do something different!
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
Don't let your DB or DR books sit around and collect dust!
Make it a point to pick them up every once in awhile, and read through them again and again. As your situation changes, you'll more than likely find something in them that you may have missed before.
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
you want advice from someone who is trying to figure out how to save their marriage themselves. DBing has saved already saved my marriage; my 14th anniversary is 2/24/04.
The point of this thread is this, read Michele's books and apply it. Read the best of threads that are at the start of the FOR NEWCOMERS in the Open Forums.
Read the threads bumped by the old-timers, they've seen it all before, same questions, same fears, same panic, same mistakes different circumstances.
I noticed that many of the threads that Michele and James John have fixed at the top of this forum have only 1000 or 2000 views yet their have been over 300,000 posts in this forum (probably 4,000,000 plus views as well in just this forum alone!!). Those threads should be among the most viewed threads on the boards but they are not.
Our natural tendency is to come to this forum and write about our problem and seek help for our specific situation which, in and of itself is not bad. However, the more one reads Michele's written words as well as those threads that have volumes of lessons learned through agonizing experiences, the quicker that reader can minimize their own pain of learning the hard way like so many of us have.
It is good to make friends and get support on your thread, and I cannot emphasize that enough, BUT read those threads Michele and Jamesjohn have sitting at the top and you will not regret it. (If it helps, do like many of us did and copy and print the best stuff and reference it often).
As an fyi,I have pasted my link from last year as my wife and I celebrated our 13th anniversary just to share some thoughts which are not new or unique, but helpful to some, I hope. Celebrated 13 years of marriage this week!
JJ, thanks for the compliment. One way to become “good” at something is to make a lot of mistakes until they penetrate one’s thick skull- that’s how I learned.
I agree with you about the KLA group enough to change my signature line- I hope many get the tapes/CDs and join the group, they won’t be sorry.
Committed2Him- "C2H" All Things (Back from Spain!)...18
Pursuer/Distancer is a dynamic that is present in alot of relationships. My realization of this started in much the same way of alot of folks here.
As my relationship was deep sixing, I was pursuing W big time. I was after her about everything. I responded to all her comments quickly. Sexually, I was after her every night. I was sitting at home waiting around for her arrival. SHE HATED IT.
My realization that I was pushing her away came in waves. 1st thing DBing made me realize was to stop all the crap that was having a negative affect. Not slow it down, stop it! This realization came in the 1st wave. I pretty much retreated into my cave. I basically started leaving her alone until I could devise a new plan. This wave was the beginning of the end of my pursuit.
About the same time, other personal issues were coming to light for me. I harbored alot of anger and resentment in general. Some of it came from my past. Some of it came from my R with W. I resented her for not giving as much as I had given to the R. She was not what I thought a good mother should be. I did'nt say these things to her, but I guess it began to show in our daily interactions. Never forget, resentment begets lack of respect. This issue had little to do with pursuer/distancer but is important to show how seemingly small issues can build on each other and build on themselves over time. I had to let go of this resentment thing or all would be lost. It is impossible to save your M if your harboring resentment.
The next wave came after several angels started telling me the same thing. I may be slow but I'm not an idiot. The words I was hearing were that I was putting way to much effort into the R. I was trying to support it on my shoulders, thus releiving W of her responsibility. Even Michele saw it after a 30 second conversation with me and W. The lightbulb clicked on and I immediately started to back down on all fronts. I stopped iniating conversations with W that had anything to do with us. I started mysteriously going out at night or coming home late from work. I always let her know I was going out but remained dim about the details. If she pressed me I would stay dim and tell her I had some thinking to do.
The more I backed away, the more W stepped up to the plate. This realization was the final wave. Pursuer/distancer dynamic was a heavy duty tool in my DB tool belt.
This will not be true for all. However the process of discovery is the same for all. It's hard work to recover your wits and start experimenting with different techniques, but you gotta do it. If none of it works, don't presume your a failure. If your spouse has hardened their heart to you, you may have to wait for a while. Time usually changes things. Intense situations almost always return to calm. Patience is the greatest virtue one can adopt.
Sorry for being long winded.
kent
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
You mentioned being laxed in the ILY department. I think you should casually bring it back into the relationship as a 180. Start simple. When he calls and you are saying goodbye (and "thank you for calling")simply throw in Love ya. (quickley at the end). Anytime he is leaving the home and says goodbye, do the same. Bring it up a notch as time goes by "Love ya babe". Then in time "Love you Honey" or whatever pet name you give him, until you get to where you want to be "I love you" (with good eye contact). Don't expect to get responses to your ILY's, but be consistant anyway.
He mentioned he cannot bear to be around you and stays away. You need to do something that will make him feel welcome and appreciated when he does come home. No nagging of time or places. Just "I'm glad you are home" and mean it. Try subtle touches in passing. (Even when he flinches) Rethink your behavior and what got you here. Have you acknowledged what he does instead of what he does not? Start picking out the positives, (like how wonderful he is with his son)and mention them to him. Try to make him feel important and needed and he is number one. The same way you would like to feel.
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
Hi Jamejohn--Found this section very helpful. I am been DB on and off again for 18 months. Can see that I need to remember that this is a marathon and not even a 5K. Appreciate the hard work you put into the board. PKDII
