-------------- The Forlorn Hope:...A picked body of men detached to the front to begin the attack....Fortified, meaning strengthened to stand...and thus, positioned for victory
Jeff, I am so sorry for your loss, the loss of your mother-in-law, the loss of your family as it once was and you wish for it to be.
Your willingness to put your hurt, and your feelings of loss, sadness, and anger aside, and go there, to be with your family, was incredibly selfless and courageous. It was the right thing to do, it was also the generous and loving thing to do. From you, we've come to expect nothing less.
Your wife's family will always remember that you were there for them. But more importantly, your children will always remember that you were there, that there was no hesitation, no discussion or angst, or Mom and Dad in protracted, difficult conversations about go, pick up, drop off, meet here, blah, blah, blah...you just went, like the man and the dad that you are, to be with your family during a time when families come together and are there for one another. You showed them, in that span of 24 hours, what a father does, what a man does, and that they can expect you to be there for them. Believe me when I say this, that was a powerful lesson for them, and they will not forget that.
Remember how this feels and build on it as you go forward, whatever the future may bring. This is the kind of man and father your children need in their life, this is what you have the capacity to give to them.
I hope it's not presumptuous to say that I am proud of you, and proud to know you. You have taught me so much about what men should and can be, and that men with that kind of courage still exist.
Again, my sympathies are with you, you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers, blessings, BA
Your post was very moving and sincere. I am sorry I haven't been here much and sorry to hear about your MIL.
You truly are the Superior Man, to put your W and her family ahead of your own hurt and pain. I sensed that her family missed you and especially FIL. I am sure he appreciated your support and the fact that he acknowledged your loneliness, he understood your feelings and missed you immensely. He didn't ignore you but rather wanted to share his deepest feeling with you. That is powerful. The fact that you were there for him, he sees the person that you really are; selfless, compassionate, loving, supportive, a wonderful F and SIL and H.
Even your fW appreciated you being there and whether the hug meant more than just a "thanks for being here", only time will tell. She saw you for who you really are and believe me when I say that if she didn't "appreciate" you being there, she would have given you a hug, not a bear hug.
Your MIL may not have been there in person but she saw you from above and she knows that your absence in the last year or so was certainly not an indication of your love for her.
I hope you found strength in the love that surrounded you. The passing of your MIL does not have to end your R with your FIL. I agree with Frank_d, your FIL would appreciate hearing from you again. Only you can understand the loneliness and emptiness he will be feeling.
Quote:
But this is not a game and something was guiding me.
Allow Him to guide you again. It is when we allow Him in our heart that we truly know that we are doing the right thing. My prayers are with you and your family.
Hugs, ISLH
Me: 49 - S22 & S26 H: 41 - No kids M: 10/00 Bomb New Year's Day 2006 H living w OW 01/07; have baby 12/07 D final 07/07 Thread #9 - Hope Lives On
I agree with Frank_d, your FIL would appreciate hearing from you again.
I agree 100%. Men like that don't look at a divorce as loosing a Son-IL, they look at it as an unfortunate thing that has happened between their daughter and the man they accepted as a son into their family. There isn't any rejection of you on his part.
It sounds like he trusts you and obviously he is hurting right now. It sounds like it would be very helpful to him if he could talk to you.
I was very close to my FIL, to the point that we talked about our marriages on hunting trips. I haven't spoken to him since my wife POINTEDLY told me that she asked them not to call me after the bomb. I missed our last hunting trip together because of this. I hope to regain that relationship with him after this D is over. I don't care what she thinks, this is our friendship.
Strength and honor friend.
-------------- The Forlorn Hope:...A picked body of men detached to the front to begin the attack....Fortified, meaning strengthened to stand...and thus, positioned for victory
Thanks BBA, ISLH, and FH. I will try to keep up with FIL. Former W says he is doing well but the initial stage of handling death is denial. But when I talked to him he did recognize that he needed to keep an eye on his emotions and deal with them. He is not going to make any major decisions for at least several months, maybe longer.
Former W and I are getting along nicely; she is really down so I try to be upbeat. Hard to do with the lawyers involved. She even thanked me for being so friendly and supportive. It would be nice if we could build on that, but that is not in the cards right now. Her focus is to close on the paperwork and make this legal. The main stuff is settled, only minor points remain. I think the lawyers are what is slowing it up - they like to jockey about and after all they want the best for their clients. They know emotions will fade, but the D agreements will not.
I feel real good. No anger at all. And best of all I feel good about ME for a change. My next hurdle is to go back to GAL and start meeting people - especially the opposite sex. But I will not date until this is signed and sealed.
This BB has been a lifesaver: both the unconditional support and pep talks and the 2x4s. Although the 2x4s sometimes hurt, I look back on them with deep gratitude. Sometimes when a person is emotional and angry and full of fear, a cold bucket of water is needed to straighten out the course.
I also learned so much about being a man, what drives a man, how to better interact with both men and women. I learned I am not a failure.
My best gift is learning how to listen without reaction or immediate defensive posturing. To listen and not judge - to share another's frame and see the world from another's viewpoint. Hard, hard, hard. That I am still working on - long way to go but getting there.
I also learned about Strength and Honor here. Words I am doing my best to live.
Hey, Boo, you sound good, like you are in a good place. Doing the right thing for you, knowing in your heart you are true to yourself is very reaffirming. It's important to do the things that restore your center, in order to know who you are going forward.
And you are right not to contemplate dating until all is said and done. You may find even then, that you aren't ready and have more healing and internal work to do. I have found that my emotional stability has come from building same-sex friendships for now; the rest will come when the time is right.
We have been having an interesting convo on Surviving about "getting back on the bicycle", join us if you are inclined.
(((Jeff)))) I'm so sorry to hear about your MIL. You did a great thing being there for you W and her family. In your compassion, you also found your strength. That is very appropriate for you. You are a good man Jeff and it's wonderful to hear that you're feeling good about yourself, strong and confident.
I've no doubt you're not going to have a problem with GAL and meeting the opposite sex when the time comes
Yeah, lawyers are able to drive divorces on behalf of those they claim to represent. They really have no clue as to what is 'right' or 'just'. Just what is 'amicable'.
