Here is a post from my "hall of fame" posting list. It is from an esteemed poster with linguistic gifts I can only dream of. I read this post a few times a year.
Quote:
Oh my goodness, Scott. I wish I were you. I am married to your fiance's twin. Same issues; same arguments; same unwillingness to admit any ownership of the problem; same insistence that, if I just relax and "not focus on sex" that it may or may not get better, but I must love her just the same and concentrate on "growing closer."
Here are the differences between your sitch and mine: We are married. We have one child together, and I have three kids from a prior marriage who view her as a great stepmom. There are other differences, probably, but those are the main ones, and, to me, the only relevant ones.
Scott, if I didn't have children in common with my W, I would divorce her. Don't get me wrong...I love this woman. But, like you, I don't feel particularly loved BY her. Oh sure, she insists that she loves me, and she wants me to be confident of her love for me. But to me, those are empty words that match the feeling in my heart. It shouldn't be a battle just to get your wife to admit that your needs are valid. It shouldn't be a battle just to touch and be touched. Sex, as I recall, can be quite fun.
But not with a woman like your GF or my W. The only "fun" thing about sex with them is remembering how good it used to be. The fun disappears when you compare it with current reality.
And what is up with their insistence that, if we just don't "focus on sex" for some indeterminate period of time, the problems will be solved? And, like you, when you intentionally avoid the subject of sex for weeks or months, absolutely nothing happens. You don't feel closer to her because, well, you need the physical contact in order to feel close. And she doesn't feel any closer to you because she can get inside your head and she knows you are full of anger and resentment over the whole issue. Of course, you can't talk about it with her because it involves sex and that is the very subject you're supposed to NOT BE FOCUSING ON.
(sidenote: Do they fail to understand that by telling us NOT to focus on something, it begins to engulf us? It's like telling the guy holding the armload of boxes to ignore his itching nose.)
You say that her "plan" puts most of the effort on your lap. Welcome to my world, Scott. It is up to you to make your GF's world perfect, after which, she may or may not grace you with the gift of her body. And if she does grace you with the gift, don't go thinking that everything is hunky dory. No, my friend. While you weren't looking, while you were in bed with her, the boulder rolled all the way down the hill again. The wheel was un-invented. Get out of bed and start pushing the boulder up the hill again. Start re-inventing the wheel. There is no room for complacency. There is no time to enjoy the afterglow. Get moving.
Is it worth it? Can you look at yourself in the mirror, Scott, and say, "dude, you are exactly where you want to be today! You are in a great relationship with a great woman who, despite her faults, you love deeply. And, despite your faults, she loves you, and shows her love in the way that you want. You are fortunate." Or do you look in the mirror and furrow your brow and say, "dude, it's got to better than this."
I envy you. To me, your path is so clear ahead of you. One road shows me years of effort and frustration and sadness and anger and resentment. The other road...well, who the f#ck cares what the other road looks like? It's another road. And, if it sucks, then you take another. Or another.
You are in your mid-30s. Believe it or not, that's young. You are not married.
I am clearly biased, but I say, go join the land of the living.
Gone the carvings and those who left their mark. Gone the kings and queens, now only the rats hold sway.
[quoteshe is underweight (85 lbs, 5'2 inches tall) and tired a lot.][/quote] That's pretty seriously underweight. It's hard for your body to make normal amounts of estrogen, testosterone and progesterone when there is so little body fat - that could be contributing to her lack of libido, as well as her history of abuse.
Why is she underweight? Does she have an eating disorder? Does she exercise obsessively? Or does she have digestive problems (celiac disease comes to mind)? Should she have her thyroid rechecked? Does she have thyroid antibodies?
Told her how I felt yesterday, and told her that I would like to postpone the wedding until we can get the sex issue resolved. It didn't work out very well. She was depressed/sad the whole day and today, which made me feel terrible about it. Spent the whole day trying to cheer her up, finally did, then I got angry with her when I tried to initiate sex and wrecked the fragile peace we had going. Sigh. I got mad cause she hasn't really put any effort into changing since I told her yesterday. I guess I was just hoping that she would be eager to work it out. We're having the worst week we've ever had and I don't know what is going to happen with us. I can't imagine living without her, but I feel that it is a dealbreaker if I have to beg for sex once a week the rest of my life. Things are going to have to change, I just wonder if I'm obsessing/pestering too much after just breaking the news to her about the postponement.
You are barking up the wrong tree. If you have to beg now, there will be no sex after marriage. Some women like sex. Most women like sex. They fantacize about it, they do things to make it happen. Go find one of these women. She says you are a typical horny man? Go find a typical horny woman. You know why it's typical? Because it is the norm. You are not going to change her. You might get her to hide her true colors for a while, but you won't change her. The best time to get a divorce is before the marriage.
As you will see, this is my first post. I am a long-time lurker, but decided to post because you are in a position to really change your situation. Most of us are not. Most of us have made the commitment through marriage, have kids, and have an "investment" in our spouse. While we can tinker around the edges, most of us look back and think, what if...
It sounds like your fiance has issues that go well beyond the SSM ones. For most of us, at least things were good early on and in your case, that is not even the case. Dude, all I can say is END IT! Period. End of story. Telling her you want to postpone and trying to make up the next day is, sorry to be so harsh, pathetic. You know in your heart what you have to do. Trust me, do it. While you will certainly be sad and maybe even regretful in the short term, you just have to trust me, you will be happier in the long term.
One more benefit. Next relationship you are in, once she finds out that you were willing to call off your wedding because your previous fiance didn't meet your affection needs, will likely be better at it and know you mean business. As George Costanza said "you will have hand."
Sorry that this is not the answer you sound like you want, but it is the right answer.
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
Spent the whole day trying to cheer her up, So magnify that by 10 and that is your future.
I got mad cause she hasn't really put any effort into changing Two things wrong with that situation. One, you got angry. Why? She is a different person than you expect/want. It's like the saying "don't go to a Mexican cafe and expect Italian food."
Two you expected a change. She shouldn't have to change for you. That is who she is. Do her a favor and let her find someone that is more her speed in the sex dept.
No, I am not making you out to be the bad guy. If people are not to your liking or don't fit your life-style, move on.
There are women that are a better fit for you and maybe a guy that is a better fit for her.
My W and I had it good when first M. I always thought she liked a higher life style than I could produce. She was a Dr's daughter and I thought by me working two jobs, she would see how much I put into the M and appreciate me for my extra effort. It worked for a long time but eventually I wore out.
See, find someone with more compatibility traits. The next one will probably love you as much as this one.
Some people can change and like it. Some change but don't like the changes they have to make in order to stay M so revert back to what they were.
Look at it from their POV. It is work to do things that aren't natural. If she changes, how long will the change stay and how happy will she be if she resent the changes she has to make to stay in your life.
Some people do make the changes and are happy. Sad news is some people just die a little each day they fake it to make it.
As I have seen Dr. Phil on his show say to men in YOUR situation, "Are You CRAZY!!!". If you are not compatible with sex before marriage, you NEVER will be after. IT ONLY GETS WORSE.
I would suggest that you dump her and move on to other women. THe trick is to find a REAL HD women, which is roughly 15% of the female population. If you find such a person, date them for 4-5 years, to the point where the infactuation stage has worn off, and THEN you will see the real women.
I'm sorry bud, but I've got to agree with the rest of the board on this one. As much as it hurts to break things off with this girl, I'm afraid it will only get worse for you in the long run. You sound a lot like me in my situation with my first wife. "Sexual hang-ups...but I love her so much...things will get better...etc..." I went through all the arguments to stay together and why our marriage was "good." Truth is, it sucked ! It was only a matter of time before resentment not only from me, but from her as well began to creep into our relationship.
Not saying this will happen to you, but that resentment built up over the years until finally something had to give - she did... and into the arms of another man..and still with the same sexual hang-ups so that lasted a very short time.
Unfortunately for me, I was already into my marriage and thus a little more committed. YOU ARE NOT THAT FAR IN YET !!!! Run...Run like the fcking wind !!! {sorry, I just saw 7 or 8 years of my life that I wasted go rushing past me, and given my current situation, I would REALLY like them back about now } Of course you love this girl, have strong feelings for her, don't want to hurt her but you also have to think about YOU and what kind of marriage you're going to have and what might happen down the road. I'm not afraid to say it, my wife knows it...but yea, I still have some feelings for my ex-wife... we shared some special times together but do you really want to take a chance on maybe things miraculously changing? And what happens when they don't change, only now there's children involved?
Take the special times you shared, cherish them, they're a part of who you are but seriously think about ending this. And if you do, try to do it in a good way without a lot of anger...you'll both feel a lot better about it in the end. Think about it pal. Good luck to you.
BTW, I might have missed it but how old are you two?
} Of course you love this girl, have strong feelings for her, don't want to hurt her but you also have to think about YOU and what kind of marriage you're going to have and what might happen down the road. I'm not afraid to say it, my wife knows it...but yea, I still have some feelings for my ex-wife... we shared some special times together but do you really want to take a chance on maybe things miraculously changing? And what happens when they don't change, only now there's children involved?