Thanks everyone for stopping by! I hope you all had a great holiday!
Redhead - I certainly haven't reached ULTIMATE detachment considering that I have checked my cell phone 100 times this weekend expecting H to call. I am working on it though, at least I don't have my cell phone on me - it stays in the bedroom and I'm usually elsewhere in the house. You mentioned freeing the spouse - letting them go to see if they will come back - so true - so difficult. For me, it has been the living with the fear of things not working out - the fear of H just walking away for good without looking back that has prevented me from truly freeing him. YOu can't free someone until you are comfortable with the prospect of that someone never returning. That is tough stuff. I'm not totally comfortable with it, but I'm keep thinking that if H were going to leave, he would have left already. I've made his life a little too comfortable around the house, for various reasons, none of them justifiable.
Saffie - thank you for coming by! I hope all is well with you. I've been following your heat sitch - hope you are finally warm! And, I hope all is well with your horse. I'm not one for animals really, but I have ridden a few times - I'm certainly no pro and end up terrified everytime I get on a horse. It's fun tho.
Limbo - it's been a long road and I feel like I've just gotten on it. I am so glad to read about all the positives with you and your H. I'm so glad you are going to CORE. That's awesome!
LWB - my H has actually said that he wanted our R to complete him. At the time he said this, I just said that I didn't believe it was possible for anyone to complete another - in my mind I was thinking, Darling, you ARE NOT Jerry McGuire!
Cat - I'm sorry that depression has reared its ugly head - that's not good. I am still working at the releasing bit - that's tough. It is exponentially difficult considering we live under the same roof. But I'm constantly thinking of ways in which I can stretch my legs and make some movements without him.
Believing - I've read your thread on and off for awhile. Your story resonated with me - especially with the struggles you've had with the Christian community...so much to say on this topic...
Journaling:
A recent conversation overheard between my Mom and my 3 yr old neice: Neice: Grandma, can I look in your ears? Grandma: Sure, of course you can. (G'ma turns her head so Neice can look) N: eeewww...it's dark in there. Can I look in your mouth? G: of course you can. (G'ma opens her mouth wide) N: ooohhh...it's dark in there too, and I can see all of your cabidees (cavities). Grandma, can I look in your nose? G: sure can. (g'ma tilts her head back) N: WOW! It sure is dark in there too and full of cobwebs!!
I'm spending the weekend with my 4 neices (ranging in age from 1 to 8), my Bro, SIL, MOm and Dad. It is so relaxing and enjoyable. A much needed reprieve from the chaos at home. H decided to stay home - not that I really invited him to come along. (I'm 4 hours from home) All he has to do to be apart of things is to ask - he doesn't ask, he doesn't get to go. I miss having him around, but it's nice not having him around too.
The Thanksgiving Parade was alot of fun! I don't know if I'd do it again - at least not for a long while. We had a great place to view the parade and we couldn't have asked for better weather. I would have preferred if we were with my folks for the holiday (traditionally H's parents, and my whole family have T-day together - it just didn't work out that way this year), but I'm glad that we did something completely different. Going to the parade made it ok to not be "home" for the holiday.
So, I head home tomorrow - not looking forward to it. I would love to stay in this cocoon of love FOREVER, but that isn't reality. On top of all that, I have a major cold coming on - feels like there are razor blades in my throat - yick.
I have really missed posting and hearing from all of you. I've been reading and following you guys, tho. I'll swing by your threads sometime tomorrow....I'm off to gargle with salt water...blech.
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
I am so tired today - exhausted! I just keep thinking of all the stuff that has to get done. I'm disorganized at work, disorganized at home. Everything needs a deep cleaning - i hate it when everything gets like this. And I'm too tired to focus. I haven't fully recovered from the long weekend and still fighting a cold. I took airborne though and that seems to have had kept my cold at bay, which is nice.
Not tons going on at home. H is making a huge effort. Tells me ILY at least 3 times a day, is affectionate, caring, courteous, etc...I'm just being me and not getting too attached.
I had ceramic's class last night. I threw 4 pots - that was pretty cool. I have to order some glazes tonight. I am enjoying my class immensely! I will miss it when it's over.
Ok...off to watch Charlie Brown's christmas - ahhh...i love that.
I hope everyone is doing well!
Last edited by ediemarie; 11/28/0712:58 AM.
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
Edie, Thanks so much for reminding those of us in Piecing that we still need to continue with the GAL activities, and not take on feeling responsible for our spouses happiness.
It's so easy when some stability and connection has been restored to go back to old patterns. My old pattern is feeling like I'm not a good husband when my W is angry with me, and is unhappy. I somehow think that if I try harder than things will be better.
What my new patterns need to consist of are continuing with my GAL activities (dancing, writing), giving her space to work out her problems, assisting her when I'm able to, maintaining connection when she wants it, letting her know when she's being disrespectful, and not allowing the turbulence to create a black cloud over my head.
Thanks for sharing, and keep us posted.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I must admit it - I'm a TV junkie. I love it. I love reality TV, soap operas, MTV. I don't really care for shows like CSI though or Law and Order - they require too much thought - but I love TV. One of my favorite shows of all time is John Edwards crossing over - it just is so fascinating. He just really seems to be talking to the dead...fascinating. I could watch that for HOURS.
Anyway, I tell you this because sometimes in my TV watching I come across tidbits of information that really do apply to real life. And I guess as I'm watching to escape from the painful realities of life, I'm processing my painful realities. One woman on the show lost her 4 year old boy to cancer. He happened to come through during a reading. The mom, who wasn't in the audience was reached by phone by her husband who was in the audience. John Edwards asked her, as he asks all those that have gone through trumatic events, "what is it that got you through this rough time?" She said "Only blessings, never losses." She said she just focused on that - we are always blessed. Always.
That has given me a new outlook. If a woman can lose a 4 year old to cancer and walk away saying Only Blessings, Never Losses, I can get through this. I can let my H walk away and figure out his life on his own, without me. I will be ok. Only Blessings.
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
Hi Cat - I signed up through our community school. It was relatively cheap and is held at the local high school. I can't wait to sign up for something else for next semester...fun, fun, fun!
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
I have never read any of your posts so I don't know your story but from what I just read, you are working towards one hell of a testimonial, no matter what your husband ends up doing.
You are awesome role model and I am going to direct a couple people to your post.
I had a brief run-in with H this morning. He still takes me to work in the morning, as his car is being worked on. This morning he was onery and I fell for the bait. I'm not quit sure how to avoid the confrontations - very frustrating.
In short, H feels unwanted/unloved by the folks in the church he was kicked out of. (and rightly so) To make matters worse, a lot of my family members are apart of that church. I haven't been back since he was kicked out. H feels he needs to go and clean up his name, so he's been going for the last couple of weeks. I get all of that and I actually respect him for doing so. It's something he feels important and necessary to do in order to move on. BUT, he is expecting them to show all sorts of love towards him. And to a certain extent, they should. They should recognize the fact that he is attempting to make restitution. Unfortunately, they couldn't care less. Add to this the fact that H defines his identity through others (and he went to church last night) and this morning was a recipe for disaster.
It began when H said that he just didn't understand the reaction of the church people (I didn't/don't either). I agreed and said, yes, it's frustrating. Then he proceeds to complain about how no one cares for him and everyone would be better off if he just disappeared (this is not a new complaint. he has said this for awhile - incidentally he's not talking about suicide, he's talking about running away and starting a new life). This is where I lose it EVERY time. I feel like he's saying it just so I say "oh, H, that's not true." But I just can't bring myself to say it ... so I said nothing. Then he proceeded to complain some more and I finally just responded with Oh, you'll feel better later on. You'll be ok. Don't worry about it. But I was really annoyed so my tone wasn't so good. I just don't know how to validate his feelings/control my own tone/words when he gets like this...any suggestions?
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
I'm sorry that depression has reared its ugly head - that's not good. I am still working at the releasing bit - that's tough. It is exponentially difficult considering we live under the same roof. But I'm constantly thinking of ways in which I can stretch my legs and make some movements without him.