Edie, If your reaction creates annoyance, than you're not in a position to validate his feelings. I don't think you can be annoyed and validating at the same time. It would be very hard to hear your spouse talking about running away from their problems.
If you can manage your reaction, maybe you can model a healthier way of expressing his feelings by empathizing with his feelings, and how valid they are under the circumstances. His statement is a way of avoiding pain, but your empathy can give him the language to articulate his thoughts/feelings in a healthier way. In other words, validate the feelings he's failing to articulate, versus getting tangled up in the content, which is acting-out due to his failure to articulate what's going on.
I assume he doesn't articulate thoughts and feeling well.
This is the ideal for you to practice. It would be hard for anyone not to be reactive with his statements. You will first have to work on the reactivity, and your judgments about his comments.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
But what does that look like, exactly. Is it just recognizing that he is hurting so badly that he wants to run from all of this? And then I would say "I can see how much this hurts you."?
(Sorry if I sound dumb...I just don't want to keep repeating this behavior and I'm not sure HOW to fix it)
thanks CL!
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
Bottom line, what's important is how he sees himself. He can't determine his worth by having it reflected back by others. He needs to develop the confidence within himself to be a man. Asking this congregation or another to do it for him will never work. Running away is not a solution. Being a man and determining who he wants to be, and then being it, is.
Totally agreed - the issue is that he doesn't THINK he has an issue with any of that. There isn't a way for me to convince him of that either. I've tried. The major issue in our marriage is that he was looking for someone (me) to complete him. When asked outright, he would say that he's not looking for this congregation to complete him, yet his actions/feelings say otherwise. Counseling is out of the question - as he feels he doesn't have an issue. So while I would love for him to find it within himself to become perfectly whole - it isn't happening at the moment. I can't control what he feels/thinks/acts, and I certainly don't want to continue adding to this vicious cycle he has created. Meaning, he looks to someone to fulfill him, fulfillment doesn't happen, depression ensues.
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
Edie, I think the first thing is to understand why you're having the reaction that you are. You seem to be making a judgment about his comment. How can you be sure of your interpretation?
Take a step back and try to understand why your were annoyed by his comment, and what kept you from validating and empathizing with him?
I think you've got the empathy, listening skills down. It's your reactivity and judgments to that specific comment that is the issue. This comment unbalances you for some reason. Try to figure-out what's going on with you here.
You're not conveying in your post that you have insight into your reaction.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Thought I found you earlier but I think this is the right post for sure.
Good insight that you are afraid of him leaving again (or afraid maybe of him rejecting you but NOT leaving.. as I know I've posted about and you've commiserated with me on).
Detaching is good.. and hope you can find something to help build up your PMA in the next few days, too.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
I find that the detaching thing ebbs and flows like a tide or waves on a shore. It's difficult to be constant and that is something that I strive for - so it's a tad frustrating. I'm definitely way more detached than a month or two ago, but now see that I was getting sucked back into the kindness and lovingness my H was sending my way. I'm not happy though with where we stand - afterall he is pretty clear that he doesn't have it in him to commit fully to me - so I need to keep that at the forfront of my mind. For a long time I was thinking that if I just behaved the way he wanted or if I changed enough he would want to commit to me. That's backwards thinking. He needs to commit 100% to me. Period. If he's going to be in this marriage, he HAS to be committed. No further discussion necessary about our R until that point. I need to take a firmer stand on that.
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
I hear you, whenever I think "I got it" something happens that makes me want to pull my hair. So, the best thing to admit is, that even we get to a level of detaching/understand we need to expect the lows, that we'll falter, but the important thing is, that we HAVE reached that step of the ladder and we can climg back up.
No, not happy here either, with my H admitting he has no feelings and acting otherwise "as if" would be forcing him. He supposedly was to work shoulder to shoulder with me on this M so we wouldn't go down the way that lead to his second A and him hiding how unhappy he really was. I'm praying that our new MC does get to him and that H is willing to accept and hear what must be done.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Edie, I have found Buddhist concepts to be helpful in practicing detachment. I agree that it is elusive, and a constant practice. We never completely get it, as we are human and want comfort and security.
Buddhism talks about it from the concepts of attachment, desire, and suffering. When we start feeling entitled to something, or think that we have to have something in our lives, then suffering ensues. This includes our spouses and relationships.
Easier said than done. It helps to know that wise people were wrestling and articulating these issues hundreds of years ago, in other parts of the world. We are wrestling with our human nature.
Buddhism has given me the language to articulate and understand the struggles of human nature. It promotes meditation as the means to counter suffering, but I prefer yoga and writing. I think anything that helps someone to lessen reactivity is fine.
I'm not trying to push any religion on you, but merely stating a framework that I've found helpful, and that I understand the struggles of detachment.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
