WAW says "I'm filing for D", but no papers

[jon2911]

SirPrizeMe,
Just a gut reaction, but why would you file for divorce if you want to save your marriage? Maybe one of the DB coaches can help you, that just seems antithetical to me.

I completely understand what you mean about forcing the practical realities. I've felt like this at times, my wife has filed for divorce, but still wants me to come comfort her when she has a migraine, and still wants sex. I've been told by everyone that this is just comforting her in her decision, but the views on this board are somewhat different. My dad and C said to not spend any more time with W until she apologizes for what she's done, to not be her friend. Then I read DR and it says to never expect an apology. So, different views, but I'm desperate and the DB and DR stuff is my last hope.

[SirPrizeMe]

Just a gut reaction, but why would you file for divorce if you want to save your marriage? Maybe one of the DB coaches can help you, that just seems antithetical to me.

What you say makes a ton of sense to me! But as I said, I am still trying to figure out how to balance the "give space" and "be patient" and "act as if" advice with the "she needs to face the realities" part.

But you've all given me some good things to think about. I appreciate it~!

[SirPrizeMe]

My dad and C said to not spend any more time with W until she apologizes for what she's done, to not be her friend. Then I read DR and it says to never expect an apology.

Not long before my wife threatened to file (she has not, as yet), I spoke with her and pointed out that she never once apologized. This was after she told me how abusive and controlling I was. I heard this, tried to validate. I apologized and told her that must be horrible for you, I'm sorry I did that, I don't want to be that way for you. But after, I pointed out she never apologized to me. Thus endeth the conversation.

Sheesh, it is so hard for me to control myself sometimes.

I really gotta work on that.

[SirPrizeMe]

In the name of G-A-L, I'm doing a couple things, I've decided.

• putting my wedding ring back on. I took it off after failing to follow rule #1: believe none of what you hear and only half of what you see. She told me she was filing for divorce imminently. I believed it, took my ring off. It's been 3 weeks. The ring is going back on til the D, if it comes to that, is final.
• getting some new cologne. I used to wear cologne. What happened? (She stopped buying it for me, for one.) Whatever, I'm getting some new stuff.
• getting some new clothes for the holidays. New threads always make me feel better.
• finding an apartment or house to rent. I'm currently staying with friends, it's not big enough to have the kids stay over.

Yikes!
I also just did something a little provocative - registered for a retrouvaille weekend, without her agreement. I entered her information, address, phone, etc. The Retrouvaille people are going to contact her. We'll see if she agrees to go.

Maybe too pushy?

[limbo]

Sir,

I did the retro weekend back in September, and it is a wonderful thing, but she has to agree to go, both parties have to at least be willing to go.
I think that you should talk to her about it, you don't want to blind side her with this, with a call from the program and she knows nothing about it.
It can be a great help, but just approach it very carefully.

[SirPrizeMe]

Yep, I see you are right about that.
Do not blindside her.

Things have been kinda touchy with us lately. Since she announced she's filing for D, I have been upset. (Darn! not good DBing). I don't really know the best way to broach the subject. I just sent her an email with the heads up.

here's what I wrote:

I'm not sure of our exact plans in the new year, but on the off-chance ...

Last night I reserved a slot in the January Retrouvaille weekend in (our hometown).

They will be contacting you, I think, to see if you are available.

I wanted to let you know so you wouldn't be surprised by the call.

[SirPrizeMe]

By the way, I had a great time Sunday with my kids. I picked them up i n the morning, we went to church together. Met the Pastor, he noticed us and made a special effort to come and meet us. The kids are young and of course church can be not so stimulating to them at such an age. But they were well behaved if bored.

Then after church I brought them to my friend's place where I am staying. We made lunch, they did most of the work. Mac-n-cheese and tuna salad, nothing fancy, but they like to make it. When I was in the house we'd do this all the time on weekends. It's a pleasure.

Then we went outside and played catch. My son (10) had lost his football so I had gotten him a new one. What a joy it was to just toss a football with my sons!

We kicked the soccer ball around, walked by the lake, ran races, just fooled around. Laughed til my stomach hurt. After a while we got chily so back inside, hot apple cider, a little game of scrabble. Making up silly words. My daughter, 5 yrs old, was just climbing on me, hanging on me. Oh it felt so good to see them, to be with them.

and afterwards I made dinner. I felt like a family man again. I miss this soooooo much.

My daughter (5) made a crayon drawing, of a smiling girl, with a sunshine and flower. She gave it to me "To Dad, From S", told me it was Mom, and that she made it so I would be happy again.

After dinner I brought them back to the house, "their house", kissed them goodbye in the driveway. W did not come out to greet me.

Anyway it was a special day for me. Like any other day, I guess, when I used to live in the house, but now it is so rare.

[SirPrizeMe]

I felt so good last night (Monday) that I called the house to talk to the kids at bedtime. You know, since I moved out nearly 3 months ago, I haven't been calling them every day. I only spoke to the kids when I saw them, which was once or twice a week.

She had been asking for space, and I was thinking, me calling every day isn't going to be much "space".

Also I was thinking, me not calling every day would give W a look at what things would really be like if we were to split. I love my kids dearly but thinking about it, I don't think I would be hanging around the house, calling them every day, if we were to divorce.

I'd find another adult relationship, I'd find another woman to be close with, and I'd make a new family. Maybe not have new babies, but probably "new kids" (new to me, anyway), new place, new rituals, new rhythm, new life, and none of it would revolve around the "old" family. So I was thinking, not calling - well that would be the reality, wouldn't it?

But it's not really what I want. I don't really want to move into a new family. I love being in a family, but y'know, I already have one. Yep, it's slightly broken, but I want it to work, and I'm willing to work to fix it. I was trying to imagine what it would be like to "adopt" myself into another woman's family, and it would be strange. Darn it, I have a family, why not adopt myself back into it?

I tried to take an honest look at myself on this not calling the kids thing. and I don't think I refused to call my kids out of spite for my wife, or even hurt. I don't think so. Yes I was hurt by her continuing to talk to the OM, continuing to openly admit it to me ferpeetsake, but even so, I don't think I was trying to "get back at her". I just want her to see what things would really be. I was trying to inject a little dose of reality.

So anyway, regardless of whether I was operating from a place of hurt or a place of honesty, after all that, I decided I don't like the idea of not calling and talking to my kids. I miss my kids. I miss my family, and I'm gonna call 'em if I want to.

This has a side benefit of me talking to my wife if she answers the phone.

I feel like she still has her finger on the big red button with a sign on it that says "launch nuclear weapon", but whatever, I know what I want and I'm not quitting just because she makes threats.

Believe none of what you hear and half of what you see, SPM!

[SirPrizeMe]

I found a post on this forum that said

She's demonized me in her effort to justify both her affair and ending our marriage and in so doing ceases to see me for who I am. All she sees is some evil, dark motive where there isn't one. And she reacts to what she sees without getting clarification from me.

This is so true for me.

This morning I called and spoke to W's father. He is 77, on his second marriage. His wife (my W's mom) had an affair when my W was just 6 years old. (My youngest is nearly 6 now). This led eventually to the divorce of my W's parents.

My FIL apparently believes all the stuff my W is telling him about me. She has changed the locks on the house and I am sure she is telling him, "I had to change the locks, he is so crazy angry all the time."

At least that is what it seems like, because my FIL just finished a 20-minute lecture to me about this.

I have previously spoken to my IC about this; am I angry? Do I have anger management and control issues? I wanted an honest answer. I really do want to save my marriage. I'm not in self-preservation mode here. I'm not self justifying, at least I don't think so. I've already been humbled by the whole affair thing, my wife and my best friend. Come on. Don't you think that's enough to rock my world, have me take a hard look at myself?

Of course, looking at it from her side, she could say the same thing.

This is when I really start to question myself.

The real me says BALONEY. I don't throw things in the house, I don't yell constantly, in fact I yell less than she does. The unconfident, self-doubting me says, "is she right?"

NO NO NO.

I'm not the one who had the affair. I'm not the one who lied repeatedly. Darn right I'm angry. I'm angry because my wife and partner left me for a drunk. I'm angry because the life I imagined with my kids is bring ripped from my grasp. I'm angry because she has stepped back from all responsibility.

She actually told me "You have all these books on how to recover your marriage, and none of them apply to us! you know why? Because you're angry and you've abused me for 20 years."

She told me "The only way for this marriage to survive is if you change. I don't need to change!" she says to me, "only you!"

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't deny I need to change, but this is a two way street!

The affair was my fault? Her lying was my doing? Her continued refusal to stop talking to the OM? Her refusal to go to MC?

need.... to......calm.....down........

[SirPrizeMe]

Got the call from my attorney today.
My attorney heard from her attorney. The D papers are coming tomorrow.

I called my wife.

Surprise! She's not interested in working it out, in going back to counseling, in Retrouvaille.

More accusations. More rehashing of the rap sheet against me. More demonizing.

It's not sane. It doesn't seem real.