Maybe not too complicated to understand

[Michael Mc C]

Hi all. I have finally been locked. A link to my first thread can be found in the signature area below.

I've been doing a lot recently in order to really dig into the heart of the matter here. I have had a lot of support from friends I've met on this site as well as others I have been directed to. Thank you to everyone who has helped so far.

In the very beginning, when I first suspected the EA, my wife told me that I had nothing to worry about regarding "HIM" but that there were issues between us that needed attention. MCC is complacent, MCC's W is bored, MCC is not attractive, MCC's W feels stuck, etc.

I spent a lot of time over these past couple of months trying to point out why these issues had been caused by my wife's inability to communicate, leading to my inability to understand what she needs. Last night I had an epiphany. Our situation is due to my wife simply being bored.

This does not excuse the EA but explains why it was made possible. When she first told me that she was bored, I barely took notice. Being bored is so much easier to understand than the intricacies of love and attraction and infidelity. Boredom is something that EVERYONE understands and has been through and it can be countered very easily.

Boy was I wrong to ignore this. I remember what I was like when we first met 20 years ago (I was 18, she was 17). I was a hell of a lot more fun and cocky and much more of a leader than I am now. I remember what I was like but I do NOT remember how to be that person.

In order to be that person I simply have to be myself. I know it's still there, I just need to let it surface. For some reason, and it will probably be important to find out what that reason is/was, I let that 18 year old attitude be replaced almost COMPLETELY by a far-too-serious responsible adult.

I let the fun take a backseat to taking care of business. During this past summer, when things seemed so perfect between my wife and I, was probably a last ditch effort made by her to break the cycle of boredom. We had fun. We had excitement. We didn't have any communication regarding the fact that this increase in fun and excitement was a test. And I tell you, honestly, I failed that test (not blaming myself completely on this!!!)

Because once the temporary fix of the new fun and excitement wore off, where was I? I was back to being a 38 year Project Manager with 3 kids, a mortgage, unexpected expenses, etc. This is where she was trying to hold on to me and our marriage.

Please believe me when I say this is not me beating on myself. It is me stating that I have come to a realization and, quite frankly, some relief in really understanding my wife and her actions.

I know what I need to accomplish here and am looking for ways to do just that. The part that really shocked me with this conclusion is the fact that until it hit me finally, I didn't even notice it was missing.

I have a lot of thinking ahead of me. Thanks to suggestions from others, I also have a lot of reading.

[Dr LOve]

Hey Mcc,

It's is not as easy as you think. The W has to be in the proper state of mind also.
I too have felt as you but.......when I started doing some of the things I did she would say "don't be stupid" Or "you are being an idiot".
Today was a good day. We really need to start reading that book and comparing notes. I still need to check out that web site you mentioned.
Last night before bed I called down the hall from my room. (Used to be OUR bed room) for my son because he was supposed to take a shower. (Only one is in our room). W was on the phone talking to her mother. And yelled back "what did you want?” I said I was calling son to take his shower. She then called son and said I wanted him. When she went back to talking to her mom she said “I forgot what we were talking about with all this crap going on here.”
Hearing this slapped me into a bad mood. Luckily I was going to bed.
So today at work W calls me to tell me I got a call from the P.D reserves office. Then she asked “so how is your day going?” This put me in a good mood. Usually 1. She would not call and 2. When I call home from work is sounds annoyed and keeps it to on word answers. She called and asked how was I doing………….
My point is WE control our moods. I keep hearing this and reading about it but it is so true. I am getting better at it but have a ways to go.
Sorry for taking up your thread but I am trying to show ya what I am going through and I have been at it for 7 months.
Let me know when ya get the book

Oh yea did some therapy shopping for ME. I bought a 19” LCD T.V for my room (talked the sales man down $50.00) and a whole new off road back bumper for MY jeep. Cool It holds two spare gas tanks so when I travel to see yoyo I won’t need to stop for gas as much.

Husband

[Yoyowife]

Oh yea did some therapy shopping for ME. I bought a 19” LCD T.V for my room (talked the sales man down $50.00) and a whole new off road back bumper for MY jeep. Cool It holds two spare gas tanks so when I travel to see yoyo I won’t need to stop for gas as much.

Husband

!!!!!!!!!

[Michael Mc C]

I see your point. The way things go on a daily basis has a lot to do with how WE let them go.

My wife and I had a discussion this afternoon that I was not expecting nor prepared for. She told me what has been a huge factor in all of this.

She feels like a non-entity here, a mom, someone to clean up and make sure that everything is taken care of for everyone else. She doesn't feel sexy, she doesn't feel appreciated, she doesn't feel like a woman. She feels that when she does try to do something for herself to help feel like a woman she gets crap from me for spending too much money.

She is tired of being married because this is what you get when you're married.

I held her and told her that I do find her desirable and that she is so much more than just a mom or a housekeeper. I told her that I have been learning how to communicate these things to her better.

It turns out that over the past week or so, my attempts to let her know that I do find her desirable and sexy were taken as sexual inuendos only. She felt that I was looking to get some and my actions and comments were pushing her away more than anything else. Obviously my delivery is not what it should be.

As for feeling unappreciated, either this is a legacy feeling she is bringing up or I haven't been doing enough to express this. I "tell" her how much I appreciate her but maybe I don't "show" it.

There could be a bit of a self-esteem issue involved here as well but I can't just assume I've done everything I could have to help her feel good about herself. That "help" is on purpose as I'm fairly confident my wife does not "need" me to feel good about herself.

Anyway, something else to mull over in all my spare time...

Have a great night everyone. Haven't been on the board too much lately. Trying to keep up with life as well as this but I have to let life step in - kids and job and just having a good time.

[Dr LOve]

MCC,

Does your W have a twin? I think I married her. You are like me. WE try to make them "feel" wanted but....... We can only do so much. My W is also depressed. But they need to be the ones to make themselves "happy" I really liked your talk with her until the "she does try to do something for herself to help feel like a woman she gets crap from me for spending too much money." there she goes projecting her unhappiness on you. NOBODY can make anybody do anything. Not even if they had a gun to your head. It is still your choice.
Stay strong buddy we are going to get through this one way or another. I think the important thing right now for both of us is WE need to get to a place that we can truly say “I AM OK, I AM GOOD. IN FACT I AM PERFECT.
Funny thing happened to me today at work. I was working with this Female engineer on this new project and Started day dreaming. I looked at her finger and noticed she had no wedding ring. Thoughts started running through my head and then the good little guy in my head jumped and said "WHOOOOOW buddy. Look at her she is just like your W. She was a "fixit" person. The kind of people we seem to be attracted to. Why? Because we always feel obligated to fix other peoples problems. We put ourselves second.
Not to bring you down but look at both of our situations. If we were truly equal to our wives then both of our wives would be trying to meet us half way. They would be saying and doing things like us to save our R. but what is happening is WE are trying to fix these things on our own. Yes we can change which in turn can make our W change but..... They are changing because WE are doing things. They unlike us are not making a concuss effort to change.
Hey but if the end result is that you and I save our families so be it. We will know we have arrived when we start wondering 'Is my W really good enough for me?
Today I spent over $1000.00 on ME It was from a bonus I got. Now the old Manuel would have given it to the W to pay bills because Manuel was not a good boy and did not deserve it. But the new Manuel is a bad boy and is going to get what he wants.
MCC you and are not dogs waiting for scraps …Dude we are pure breads......
Smile guy the sun will rise in the morning

Husband

[novemberrain]

Post deleted by Jamesjohn

[Dr LOve]

Let's not make this more complicated than it is. Marriage IS boring,

NOV,

What????? "Marriage IS boring"? Marriage is WHAT YOU MAKE IT.
Your life is what you make it. Where in your marriage contract did it mention this?

"Warnning Marriage is boring.Are you sure this is your choice?"

so is being a stay at home mother.

I can't comment on being a "stay at home mom" But I was a single father (3mo & 3yo D's ) for two years. It was anything but boring..Had some of the best times of my life.
I think this is where the saying "he's not heavy he's my brother" comes in.
Belive me if I could go back to that time I would.(except I would not have my son and don't know what I would do without him).

This is not your fault, this is the life that she chose. Basically, it's a BS justiciation.

Ok now we are back on track Yes I agree this is a BS justiciation

Have you exposed the A? Is the OM married or does he have a SO?

sop

Husband

[thebrokenthinker]

Wow MCC... I have to say that I really feel your pain man. I read your whole situation and it sounds almost identical to what happened to me... Only in my situation my wife's game was World of Warcraft not Everquest... my wife finally took off 1/2 the country away to move in with the kid.. haven't heard from her since.

I am still fighting for my marriage even though there is pretty much nothing I can do now, but I do sincerely wish you the best in your situation too.

[Michael Mc C]

All - just wanted to check in, haven't had any time this week to keep up, and actually have a lot to discuss. This week has been a full circuit around the track again and I'm still dealing with the aftermath.

I hope everyone has a great couple of days. Will try to do some journalling before the end of the weekend.

[Yoyowife]

MCC,
Take care of yourself. Our thoughts and prayers are with you.