MCC... thats absolute craziness! Dont give up just yet. I bet the dude is a one tooth loser.
I cannot believe that she would be so callous about all of this!!!
What are you doing to show her you are prepared to move on with your life? Have you been going out and meeting new people? Perhaps whats good for the goose is good for the gander.
Im praying for you MCC... Keep trying to be the greener grass, you are obviously a class guy. Make sure that is reflected in your mannerisms.
If she does decide that this guy is the one for her...I can almost guarantee it wont last.
Try your best to detach and prepare yourself for yourself for the days she is gone.
THe most important thing is how your kids see you handle this, show them how an honorable, decent and loving human being acts when faced with adversity.
Hurtin: 32 WAW: 30 D: 8 Bomb: 10/05 Sep: 12/05 Back together 8/07 Bomb (OM): 11/07 Filed for D (me): 12/07
Okay, here's a long one. It's not about giving up but instead about coming to my senses. This is based on some realizations I've had over the past few days. I need to work on me more to allow me to handle this.
I have done some real thinking these past few days (hours really) and have decided it's time for me to "man-up". I need to realize that I've done just about everything I can to save my marriage on my own. I'm not afraid to face our problems and do what it takes to fix them. I'm not afraid of going to see a counsellor to learn what it is we've been doing wrong. We were kids when we got together and didn't know any better. I've recommended, and requested, counselling in the past and at first it was "we're doing great, we really don't need to see anyone" and now it's "I'm far beyond that".
I don't believe that a couple should stay together for the kids but I believe that a couple with issues, regardless of how large (except where abuse is involved) is obligated to take every step conceivable to keep the family whole. I know that marital counselling is not a magic bullet and that there are some relationships that cannot, and should not, continue. Without trying, how do you ever know? I'm proud of what I've done for me, my wife and for our kids. I hold my head high knowing that as a single entity struggling to keep this together, I have exhausted just about all options. The amount of research, reading and the help I have sought these past few months far outweighs the "bury your head in the sand" approach she has taken through countless hours of gaming, MySpace questionnaires and solitaire.
The sheer logistics and lack of reason in a relationship between the two of them is astounding. They both agree that long-distance relationships don't work for long, they both have children and family concerns that could very well keep them from moving from their current locations, they both have fallen in love in-game and through phone conversations. The list goes on, some more important than others (age difference, current living arrangements, employment opportunities, financial responsibilities, etc.)
They find comfort, solace and attraction in each other. They have the romantic, in-love spark that occurs at the start of any hot new relationship. Without ever having met, they profess their love for each other and are willing to chance everything.
The amount she is willing to risk on this is also astounding. She is contemplating permanently leaving her childrens' home, needing to find a job to support herself (regardless of where she lives) and trying to juggle school with all other responsibilities. She is risking so much of what is truly meaningful to her and what she has worked so hard for. What she has found in him, at the moment, is more meaningful than anything else. She is determined to pursue that and adamantly denies that it could ever be rediscoverd here.
I am aware that even if things don't emerge as a long-term relationship between the two of them, she feels so damaged and unfulfilled by our marriage that she will seek, and she will find, a relationship somewhere else that is workable. As independent as she claims to be, she does not want to be alone. She will eventually find what she is looking for but she will not look here.
No amount of logic can talk someone out of an emotional/biological, feeling or decision. I have learned from my counsellor how these things work and the reasons why these things happen. Nothing I've written here is an emotional response to the situation.
The below, however, has some dealings with my emotional side:
She is telling everyone (except her very close "opinionated" friends) how happy she is. She is feeding off of the emotional high she gets from her excitement as well as the responses she is getting from others. They tell her they are happy for her - they tell me they don't know what she could possibly be thinking. Those who would share their opinions with her need not, and have not, been involved in her life to any great magnitude since this all began.
I am going to tell her, some time soon, that I support her decision to go to him. That will be the hardest thing in the world for me to do but I need to let go. She already feels controlled by me and anything further I say or do that even remotely appears to be interference will only add more damage to what little remains of our relationship.
We exchanged harsh words on Friday that were a complete emotional response. I felt betrayed again, I was deeply disappointed and I felt used. I was utterly blind-sided by what I heard and saw that night. It was as if all of September and October were compressed into a single instance and unleashed on me. I wish I had a better grip on myself when she asked me not to give up on her the night before. It felt so good to hear though.
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Me: 39/W: 37 D13-D11-S8 M/T 14/20
EA confirmed: 9/13/07 D-Bomb: 9/19/07 OM Gone since 12/18/07 W wants to fix marriage: 3/16/07
In a few weeks when she takes off for fantasy land you can pack her [censored] and send it over to her mothers. Let them raise her. It is time for her to be served up a healthy dose of reality. A reality that you have been laboring over. All done lovingly. Time to become unpredictable and you are in the right frame of mind to do it.
Yeah, except in NJ I don't believe I can actually kick her out. Maybe if something physical between them occurs that would be an option. Need to read up some more.
I honestly don't want her to leave. I want her to be here for the kids' sake but I don't know what I'll be able to handle after she takes her trip.
One correction to what I've written in my prior post. I do NOT "support" her decision to go see him, I simply will not interfere. There is a world of difference in my mind. Also, I do understand that she feels she NEEDS to go.
Latest Thread
Me: 39/W: 37 D13-D11-S8 M/T 14/20
EA confirmed: 9/13/07 D-Bomb: 9/19/07 OM Gone since 12/18/07 W wants to fix marriage: 3/16/07
I honestly don't want her to leave. I want her to be here for the kids' sake but I don't know what I'll be able to handle after she takes her trip.
She has in effect already checked out.
Originally Posted By: mcc_xfer
One correction to what I've written in my prior post. I do NOT "support" her decision to go see him, I simply will not interfere. There is a world of difference in my mind. Also, I do understand that she feels she NEEDS to go.
All you really have to do is take the gaming console/computer and move that over to her folks house. She will follow it with protest.
im really sorry to hear all of this. I think you need to do what you posted, you need an end in sight, and for your health and for your kids something needs to break.
You HAVE done everything possible by yourself, but she has to be a willing party to try and work through the M. She's is in lala land and is too selfish and self centered at this point to even think rationally.
I wish you hope and strength.
tal
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
When my W and I first separated, it was her decision. I figured she would go rent an apartment on a month by month basis. Come to find out, she BOUGHT a house in another town 60 miles away.
I realized at that point that I needed to completely detach and move on with my life, I was absolutely certain we were over. I mean she bought a damn house for crying out loud!
It was when I let go and even started dating that she realized that she had lost a good thing. She can running back and calling morning, noon and night. Unfortunately I wasnt ready at that point to commit to her and now I am, but she's not(hence my reason for posting on this forum).
The point is, even when things seem to be absolute, you never know what the future holds. Detach, GAL and spent quality time with your kids. You never know.
Hurtin: 32 WAW: 30 D: 8 Bomb: 10/05 Sep: 12/05 Back together 8/07 Bomb (OM): 11/07 Filed for D (me): 12/07
Thank you all for your comments. I have to say that I have not given up my desire to remain married to her, assuming the "her" can meet my needs in a relationship. Right now this woman does not come close to being what I want as a partner for life. She feels she has grown and I have not. To hear her say those words is just mind-blowing.
So we had our talk. There is still a lot that needs to be said but I had to get some of these words out early on today. Since I work from home, I took a half hour break and we sat and discussed things (not verbatim...):
Me: I will not interfere with you going to see this guy. You already feel controlled by me so anything that appears to be interference on my part will destroy anything remaining here.
She: Nods as I'm saying the above
Me: I understand that you feel you need to do this.
She: Thank you.
Me: I don't think I should be expected to bankroll this trip. I will not make a big deal out of this but you need to understand what you are asking me to do.
She: Right... I understand.
*NOTE* I should NOT have said I wouldn't make a big deal out of this. I should have expressed my feelings and let her figure something out. Damn, lesson learned. I need to stop giving her an out.
Me: Our budget is already pretty tight. The amount of money this trip is going to cost is going to eat into our budget for Christmas presents. I don't care about presents for me, I don't care about presents for you, but as this is our last Christmas as a whole family, I will not let the kids be impacted.
She: What expenses are you talking about? There's gas for the drive down and the drive back.
Me: There's gas and there are tolls. You figure filling the van 3 times will be somewhere between $180 and $200. Tolls, rounded up, will be about $50. That's $250 taken away from our budget.
*NOTE* We have made this trip dozens of times on the way to my father's house. I did not put any time into investigating what it would cost.
She: Well you know if it becomes a choice between me and the kids I'm going to do what needs to be done for them. I'll see if I can defray the cost of the trip, otherwise it will have to wait.
Me: Have him pay half?
She: Yes.
Me: Okay, but that's still $125 out of our Christmas budget for this unplanned trip.
She: Okay
Me: There are other things we need to discuss regarding long-term plans. We can't get into them now really but there are certain financial responsibilities that you will need to take on yourself.
She: What do you mean?
Me: There are things you can't expect I'm going to continue paying for.
She: no words but she got the "now you're being a spiteful S.O.B." look. Seen it before.
Me: None of what I'm saying is spiteful or a way to punish you. I'm not making decisions here, I'm telling you we need to discuss these things. We also need to start looking into what it's going to take to pay for the divorce you want.
She: Right, okay.
A couple of moments later, she said she was glad we had this talk. I am too, but as we walk away from the table, what disturbs me the most is the upbeat attitude she has while all I can envision is the damage that lies in her wake.
HOWEVER - my job is now to minimize that damage. I do not mean that I will protect her honor or make excuses for her. When the kids are hurting, I will comfort them as best I can.
Okay, there is more that I need to post but it's going to have to wait. The past few posts have been about me more than anything else. The next will be more about what's happening at home.
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Me: 39/W: 37 D13-D11-S8 M/T 14/20
EA confirmed: 9/13/07 D-Bomb: 9/19/07 OM Gone since 12/18/07 W wants to fix marriage: 3/16/07
A couple of moments later, she said she was glad we had this talk. I am too, but as we walk away from the table, what disturbs me the most is the upbeat attitude she has while all I can envision is the damage that lies in her wake.
Par for the coarse. She has not felt the consequences of her actions so would you expect her to feel any different? Again, she is on a collision coarse with reality with no airbags. Just get out the way.
