Speaking from experience drop the phoney email NOW! Do not respond to him again and don't let him know that was you.
You realize there is a problem in your marriage. Focus on that. If you can tell us more about your relationship. Has your H expressed unhappiness? What led you to look for him being unfaithful?
Not using the phoney email won't be hard. I really don't know what else to say there now anyway. It is, however, the only "proof" I have that he is at least contemplating an affair (while I suspect he's having one online anyway).
I'm sure there are a lot of things about our relationship that might have indicated a problem a long time ago. But, since this is my first "real" relationship, I probably deluded myself.
I'm not sure what led me to think he was being unfaithful. It is probably my own insecurities. But lately it's probably blatenly obvious to anyone else...
Anyway, yes, we have problems. We have not had any kind of physical relationship for a long time. I've tried, but get no response from him. I also have some health problems that make it difficult to be intimate, but I know that I would respond if he showed any initiative...but he hasn't. I'm trying to get the health stuff "fixed", but it isn't easy. And I'm afraid I defeat myself when my insecurities are that he doesn't find me desirable (because he doesn't respond)...its a vicious cycle.
I think he also thinks I'm a bit of a prude. I've asked him about his fantasies, but he says he doesn't have any. I caught him looking at a bondage website the other day...that was kinda the tip of the iceberg for me.
My husband doesn't work. I am the sole provider in our household.
I am sorry you are here. I had some of the issues you are facing now. If you need to get evidence there is an easy and unsuspected way of doing it. If you use the Internet Explorer just go to the small star on the left of the browser click on it and then click on history. If he did not delete it you can see all the websites he is looking into by date.
Be calm and use the 48 hour rule people describe in this forum before you confront him. I did not do it and wish I had but I did not know DB by then. The good news is that you found this website right at the start of your suspicious so you can plan your moves ahead.
My nightmare just got worse. I checked the phoney email inbox again. He is apparently interested as he sent a second email to let me know his two instant message contact ID's!!
Checking the history may be possible...I'll have to see tonight. That is, of course, if I can figure out which computer he is using and if he hasn't changed the passwords (which I'm sure he has). He changed his email account passwords.
To be honest, I don't care he is looking at porn...hell, in a way I'm glad he's at least showing some interest in sex! Of course, that means that maybe I am what he is not attracted to...
If I could, I'd find out who he is chatting online with and what is being said...but I suspect those messages are lost when the chat window is closed.
I really don't know how I'm going to look him in the eye tonight. How will I have a conversation with him when all I want to do is cry...
I know snooping does not help. I've learned that here and in real life but just for the sake of gathering evidence this is what I did to find things out.
I checked the history of the internet browser and found the websites he was looking. The first bomb was an online dating site. I signed up myself and started to look for his profile. Since he was stupid enough to post with a nick name that was predictable and posted pictures, it was pretty easy. You can always count on their stupidity and underestimation of our intelligence to figure things out because they are foggy. The second bomb a while away was a cyber sex site. It was harder because he was smarter by then but left tracks like birthday dates and physical description, but I could break his passwords, again it was predictable since he does not have a very good memory and tries to make them easy for him to remeber.
The chat messages can be saved locally in the computer he is using.Sometimes it's automatic and if it's saved you will be able to see them by going to options.
See, I can tell you by now you are with your heart running fast, knots in your stomach and your head spinning. Snooping is not healthy so just get enough information for the sake of evidence and to direct your decisions because it's easily addictive. Try to occupy yourself, read a book, search for information about infidelity in the web. There are good references in this forum. It will calm you down.
About what you said of him not being attracted to you, I have some experiences in my threads and you can see that is not exactly like that. I think Tired and Lost had some of the same issues so you can go to the those threads as well. In addition, several of us experienced our H's having EAs. Read the posts in this forum as much as you can.
Yes I'm a jumble of emotions. And trying VERY hard not to cry anymore. I have two important work meetings this afternoon and I can't look like a mad woman.
I am wondering if I should print out a couple of the articles here and leave them where he can find them...
Should I cut off his access to money? The internet access? I feel like he's had a lot of freedom for a long time and the reigns need to be tightened...but that feels vindictive.
I am terrified how this is all going to work when I get home tonight. He'll know something is wrong and playing sick may not work (especially if I lose it).
How do I confront him? How do I make sure I don't make things worse before I get a chance to talk to the counselor?
I'm mortified to tell my friends...I've only told one and she's too far away to help other than listening to me rant.
how long have you been married, any children, why doesn't your H work... that kind of thing
I know the emotions you are going through right now. Many, many of us do. Please try and keep your cool. One rule here is do not take any action for 48 hours.
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
Please take Hurtin advice. Don't do anything. Don't leave any articles around. Try to use the 48 rule. Talk to your counselor first. Right now you are in trauma shock and you need to be healthy to make decisions. One thing that can be helpful(it's been helpful for me to manage my anger and not spit it out) is to write all that you'd like to say to him in a journal, all the questions you have and all the possible answers you could think he would give you. It's like having a conversation in paper without it actually happening. You will feel better. But don't show the paper to him.
If you feel you will not be able to control yourself around him, I'd suggest to say you don't feel well and avoid contact one on one with him. Go to bed early or do some workout. Occupy yourself. Your head will be clearer by morning.
We have been married just over 2 years. We met nearly 6 years ago. No kids...we're both in our 40's and this is a first marriage for both of us.
Why doesn't he work....hmmm...that's a question my mother would like answered too. lol. There are probably a hundred reasons why he doesn't work...he is not incapable. And, in fact, it is kinda nice to have someone else run various errands, do the laundry, take care of the dogs during the day, clean (sometimes). It just happens that I am in a better career and have a much higher earning potential.
I appreciate all your advice about not doing anything for 48 hours. I just don't know how I'm going to manage that. He will know...just as I think he suspected something yesterday (he was incredibly attentive). Besides, I'm not sure I won't be able to burst into tears when I walk in that house.
I'm going to stop at the bookstore and see about that book...I almost wish I could work late, but he'll call again if I'm not home by 5:15 or so. Oddly enough, he hasn't called again today since our regularly scheduled 10am call (which I did not return).
God I wish I could make him feel all this insecurity that I am feeling right now. I wish I could make him wonder if I'm meeting someone or talking with some other man.
Thank you all so much for your advice...I just have to get through 'til tomorrow at 3...
I don't know what advice to give you, but I can tell you what happened to me. I was involved with OM over the internet. My H snooped and found my messages. He was very hurt. He confronted me about it. I was furious. So much in fact that I almost hated him. I know what I did was wrong, but I felt like he had violated my privacy. I know that sounds stupid, but remember the "fog" that the person is in and they are not rational. I have resented him very much for his snooping. One thing led to another until the next thing, he was going through my dresser drawers and telephone bills. It will turn you into a crazy person.
There are ways you can find out. And, as it has already been pointed out, we that are in the fog will underestimate the computer knowledge of the spouse. I certainly did my H! But, I am afraid that it will only hurt you worse in the long run.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
