Please help a newbie...

[Dom R]

Why should he look at porn when I am here and willing...

there's a difference between "willing" and "eager". a very big difference.

"willing" has the implication of, "i'll go along with it, if you do all the work".

Whether you mean that or not... if that's the feeling he's picked up from you... it can be a major turnoff.

You may need to be less passive in that department.

Thank you all for listening and talking to me...I need the diversion tonight.

you're welcome.

[undercoverwife]

DomR -

I appreciate what you are trying to say. And I do understand that I have played a part in the problems we are having. That's part of the reason for seeing the counselor. I guess I need to fix me before I can fix the marriage and see if he wants to fix stuff too.

But this relationship is a two way street. Yes, I have insecurities and doubts but he is not participating with me either. HE has to be willing and eager too, or it's a turn off for me. WE need to try this together and quite frankly, lately, I feel like I'm the only one who is trying.

I have TRIED to talk to him...several times over the past several months. I have tried to ask what I can do to help him have an interest. I have tried to open the lines of communication about the lack of a physical relationship and his response is always that nothing is wrong and it's not a big deal to him. I have tried initiating things, I AM responsive while he is focused on something else and there is zero response from him.

It's not like he's trying and I'm not...it's the other way around. I'm trying and he's not.

[Hurtin4certain]

The trick is to change yourself so that he will in response want to try (and change).

[NNP1965]

UCW are you okay with you supporting the both of you? What does he contribute to the relationship?

I agree that you need to work on you first and foremost. That is what I am doing.

One thing my C said last night was that I am learning to talk, it is yet unseen whether my H will be able to listen when I am able.

[undercoverwife]

Hurtin - I guess I see now that I have to change myself. I think I got "complacent" (God I hate that word!) in the six years we've been together. I got comfortable and there were other issues too (health related). I feel like health wise I'm in a better place and can make some other changes too, with help. After I talk to the counselor, I may make an appointment with my regular doc too.

NNP - I don't have a problem supporting both of us. It's funny, people think there might be a resentment issue. And sometimes I wonder if I'm weird 'cause I don't have that. Yeah, sometimes I'm a little jealous of the free time he has but on the other hand I now see what it has done to our marriage. In reality, I feel like no one would have much of an issue if our situations were reversed. My mom made sure I was very independent in that respect, so I pursued a career that would allow me to be comfortable. I like having someone to share it with.

His contribution (from my point of view) is that he takes care of me and our house. I'm wondering how that sounds to all of you...I think I am appreciative but maybe not enough. He does the laundry, runs all the errands for us (prescriptions, vehicles need work, pick up stuff from grocery, etc.) and just generally is a "house husband". We are working (slowly) on redecorating our house and he has lots of "little projects" going but it's hard sometimes to finish them when money gets tight.

I think you have a good point about being able to talk. I have tried, but I guess I'm not getting it quite right. I too can only hope my husband will listen and want to make changes too.

[NNP1965]

As long as you (and he) are okay with you being the sole support of the family, then it does not matter what anyone else thinks. You are right, it would probably not even be a thought were your roles reversed.

I was just wondering if he feels "less than" for not earning a paycheck. Not saying he should, but sometimes people are funny like that.

[undercoverwife]

I was just wondering if he feels "less than" for not earning a paycheck. Not saying he should, but sometimes people are funny like that.

I wonder about that too...and that's a tough issue.

But, in all honesty, I don't think money is our issue as it can be in other marriages. I could be wrong about that though.

[hurtandlost]

I agree with you an NN.
It doesn't matter as long as you are fine with it.

There is one thing about men though. They are brought up to produce (work, intellectual, anything tangible) and their self esteem and self image are proportional to that. I've seen lots of them shatter the other aspects of their lives because they need that type of validation.

[Dom R]

His contribution (from my point of view) is that he takes care of me and our house. I'm wondering how that sounds to all of you...I think I am appreciative but maybe not enough. He does the laundry, runs all the errands for us (prescriptions, vehicles need work, pick up stuff from grocery, etc.) and just generally is a "house husband". We are working (slowly) on redecorating our house and he has lots of "little projects" going but it's hard sometimes to finish them when money gets tight.

aha... so basically, he's a "bored housewife" then.



oh, PS:

I think he smelled a setup, with your email. he guesses it was you. that's probably why he suddenly has changed his behaviour.

you "played" with him. he "played back".
possibly.

So, maybe just let it go, dont make any assumptions about him based on your email exchanges, and just treat your situation as "you are having problems with your marriage", and that never happened?

[SueS]

I've seen lots of them shatter the other aspects of their lives because they need that type of validation.

HAL- Boy did you hit the nail on the head there. My H has really done that. He STILL frets over a position he was let go from 7 years ago. He put his heart & soul into it and was, as we found out later, wrongly fired. He NEEDS constant validation or everything goes to H#LL.

SueS