What do I make of this? No comment. I did not expect it, especially after our "custody" discussions earlier in the week.
And she just had to come by to give it to me.
No, I will not read anything into this. But my mouth is still open.
Thoughts anyone?
She doesn't hate you.
Remember, the opposite of love is indifference.
You certainly haven't been 'friends' and for the past year she's mostly gotten anger vibes from you, right? But recently you've dropped the anger and given her support and love. Perhaps she feels like she can stop being angry all the time because you're no longer mirroring it back to her?
No, it isn't a "she's gonna come back!" observation. Nobody knows what will happen there. But she sure seems to feel less like you are a threat to her control of her life, and more like you are maybe, just maybe, not the person she thinks you are, or were.
Stay the course, at the very least the war will end and you'll be able to move on.
I think it was a very kind and generous gesture from a woman who still cares about you very much, made an effort to express it, and showed your kids what you do for people you care about on their birthdays.
Hey Jeff, Happy Birthday for yesterday. There you are helping me sort out my issues without me realising the hurt you are still feeling. Seems as though we might be in similar places.
And as for being 'old', I understand how you feel, but turn the negative into a positive. Think about what is possible to achieve in the next 10 - 15 years - it may blow your mind. Middle age doesnt mean that we are finished - far from it. You have loads of life experience, knowledge, skill which many who are younger would give anything for. Use that experience, knowledge and skill to your greatest advantage, make your own luck. GREAT things will happen.
I don't think you check Facebook, so I thought I'd post here. And after finding out you're 52, I feel like a spring chicken again at 41, so thanks, lolol!!!
Seriously, though, you have lived one life, and now you have a new one ahead of you. That's the positive side of a major life change(!) - it gives us a second chance to do what we didn't the first time. It's like living twice as long!!
Have a great year - it can only be better than the last one, right?
~Nicola
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
Are you not the same guy who professes to turn all negative thinking into positive thoughts?
How many times have you had me and others rewrite our negative thoughts into positive ones?
52 is not old and based on your Mom's age, you could live as long as her so how do you want to spend the next 40 years? I hope you don't reach 90 and regret having wasting those years thinking about what a failure you were at 52 because YOU ARE NOT. Imagine when you are 90 wishing you were 52 and how you would have done things differently so DO IT.
Yes, you made mistakes and who hasn't. You will think of yourself to be a real failure if you don't focus on all the positives and learn from the mistakes when you are 90.
It takes 2 to make a marriage work so you did not fail your family alone. Pick yourself up. Show your kids what a great Dad you are, show your son the man you want him to become, show your D the man you hope you finds to marry.
BTW - don't be thinking that this is your Mom's last holiday either. We never thought my grandmother would see her 90th birthday so we had a big birthday party when she turned 89 and you know what, she is 98 and still kicking. Yes, she is frail but she can still remember those Italian poems better than her 70 year old daughter. I told her she will see her 100th birthday and I do believe it.
It had me thinking that if I live to her age, I have another 50 years to live. I don't want to regret having wasted the 2nd half of my life not living it fully.
Yes, there are some hard days and I can get down on myself just as you are doing but I try to pick myself up again. It really is up to each of us to make something of our life, to learn from our mistakes and show God that we never stopped believing that he loves us and wants us to be happy. If we fail, it is us we are failing and no one else.
Few real friends - I know exactly what you mean and if I don't hear from my friends, I call them. I try to see or talk to them at least once a month. I also try to make some new friends. Yes, it's hard especially when they are part of a couple but if you don't try, you will never know.
No social life - again, at our age, it is hard to meet new friends especially since the bar scene is not our thing anymore. So how about you invite some friends over for Christmas Cheer and tell them to bring some of their other friends too. Take a chance.
No sex life; no one to put their arms around you - oh I hear you. During my quiet times, I do think about how I see my future and I do see someone in my life. I do believe that what we focus on will come true but we have to want it enough and be clear about what we want. When it is presented to us, we will know.
As for dating - who says you have to play a game? It's all how you want to approach it. Find someone interesting? Ask them out for a coffee and take it from there. What's the rush? Maybe you're just not ready. I feel that way too but I don't want to live the next 50 years alone so I'm the only one who can do something about it and the same goes for you.
I know what you feel, trust me since I've been through it twice but you know what, I have my kids to remind me that I too have made mistakes but I AM NOT A FAILURE.
I have this posted on my wall from Theodore Roosevelt "It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed." Now post it on your wall.
If Annie, Nicola, Lissie and I can see that you have grown from this experience, you bet your fW is noticing too. Oh ya, she still cares. Whether she wants to come back, you won't know but how about you show her what she could've had or have in the future. Don't do it for her, do it for you.
Bottoms up! Cheers! ISLH
Me: 49 - S22 & S26 H: 41 - No kids M: 10/00 Bomb New Year's Day 2006 H living w OW 01/07; have baby 12/07 D final 07/07 Thread #9 - Hope Lives On
Thanks frank, BBA, Jim, nic and ISLH. Means a lot.
I got through my birthday okay. The kids were great, I cooked a big meal, and we all watched a movie. I enjoyed my railroad book.
But I could still not shake the negative feelings, those feelings of failure and fear of the future.
I will. I just wish fW would go away. That is what I really need.
Her mom dies, I support her family; she shows her old self to me, warm and friendly. Back come the memories. Then a few days later - wait, Jeff is an A-hole and must be treated as such. So she hits me with why is the D-paperwork going so slowly. I call her on that - her lawyer has the papers. She reverts back again - comes to my mom B'day - old self. Then, a few days later - wait, Jeff is an A-hole - I want to change the custody language. I call her little girl on it again. She backs off - sends Jeff a B'day card and a last minute gift.
Now Thanksgiving. Time for her to be without the kids. Jeff is an A-hole keeping MY kids from me. You all can guess - when she came to pick up the kids (early) yesterday she was the bi*ch again.
Oh well. At least my anger is in check. All I really feel is sorrow and anxiety right now. So my interactions with her are consistent. Maybe that is why she is alternating emotionally towards me - trying so hard to press my buttons then reverting back to her old self when I don't play her game.
I will not confirm for her that I am indeed an A-hole. She will have to come to grips with that on her own.
But I could still not shake the negative feelings, those feelings of failure and fear of the future.
I will. I just wish fW would go away. That is what I really need.
Failure is how we learn what success looks like. Right now I see a lot of success, as in .....
Quote:
Her mom dies, I support her family; she shows her old self to me, warm and friendly. Back come the memories.
Success
Quote:
Then a few days later - wait, Jeff is an A-hole and must be treated as such. So she hits me with why is the D-paperwork going so slowly. I call her on that - her lawyer has the papers.
Her issues with her fears of having 'feelings for you'.
Quote:
She reverts back again - comes to my mom B'day - old self.
Success!
Quote:
Then, a few days later - wait, Jeff is an A-hole - I want to change the custody language.
Her fears of 'letting you control her life' show their ugly face again
Quote:
I call her little girl on it again. She backs off - sends Jeff a B'day card and a last minute gift.
Success!
Quote:
Now Thanksgiving. Time for her to be without the kids. Jeff is an A-hole keeping MY kids from me. You all can guess - when she came to pick up the kids (early) yesterday she was the bi*ch again.
Her fear, again.
Quote:
Oh well. At least my anger is in check. All I really feel is sorrow and anxiety right now. So my interactions with her are consistent. Maybe that is why she is alternating emotionally towards me - trying so hard to press my buttons then reverting back to her old self when I don't play her game.
You have no idea how strong a statement this is. She's testing you. As Deida would observe, you are not staying in 'her intensity'. You stay consistent, and are 'the rock'. Not they guy who was reacting to her all the time. The stable influence. The guy who can be depended upon to not lose it.
Quote:
I will not confirm for her that I am indeed an A-hole. She will have to come to grips with that on her own.
are you? If you were, there would be none of these successes.
Jeff, I've seen your comments on WCW's thread and then I noticed we share the same birthday -- I'm just two years older. So, I came over to read your latest thread.
Your comment about being in your home in front of your fireplace and celebrating with your family for your birthday and your comment about feeling old and not wanting to play the dating game really hit a sore spot in me.
I've gotten comments from friends that I just need to move on and get a boyfriend -- I'll feel better. If only it were that easy. My kids were not very happy with me but I spent my birthday this year working at a holiday bazaar. For my 50th birthday, my husband gave me a wonderfully orchestrated suprise birthday party that included web camming in friends from our dating days. Shortly before my 51st birthday, I got the ILYBINILWY speech and "I don't want to be married anymore." Shortly before my 52nd birthday, the D was signed, sealed, and delivered after a 25 year marriage. So, I can find plenty of empathy for your feelings regarding holidays and birthdays.
I've spent the last two years with a lot of anger and resentment, mainly because at a time I thought I would be working less and spending more time with H, kids, and grandkids, I work 70+ hours a week to balance out getting 50% of the bills on 1/5th of the income but I will not allow myself to be the statistical average "older" woman who never regains financial stability after the divorce -- quoted to me by my oh so blunt attorney. Alaska is a great state to live in but not if you are on the receiving end of a D.
So, I would simply say to you to give yourself time to grieve. A divorce, in my opinion, is really a more difficult life transition than the death of a spouse. To that, I added moving from our home of 23 years (although we were in the process of moving anyway so H did not have long commute, it became much more traumatic when there was no new family home), new job, loss of contact with long-term friends, and struggling with what HUD classifies "low income" for Alaska even though I was working one full-time and two part-time jobs (a light bulb moment as I was trying to purchase a place to live on my own as I hated the apartment and have two large dogs).
Even though I was with a lot of people, giving out samples of a new product I'm selling, I found myself thinking about our family a lot on Saturday. I've been on a couple of dates -- disasters, really. As much as I want to hate him, I still love XH and miss him a lot. I've had a lot of therapy on this BB, 1 on 1 counseling for this and a lot of other baggage, and I'm trying as hard as I can to be grateful for what I have including employment, a roof over my head, a car to drive, some really wonderful friends, and children and grandchildren who love me.
What any of us do from this point forward is our choice, without considering the influence it may have on a life partner. For what it's worth, I believe love itself is a choice once the head-over-heels phase of "love" runs it course and I don't buy into the it's not my fault I just fell out of love stuff. I've decided at this point to just be the person I am and do what inspires some happiness in my life. I still have those pangs of total aloneness when I startle awake from a dream and want to snuggle up -- only to realize I'm snuggling with my very hairy 120 pound German Shepherd and not XH -- or when I could really use a shoulder to lean on accompanied by a big hug. But when I look at our children and the hurt they've gone through I just don't see how "finding a boyfriend" could possibly resolve what's still going on in our family.
I don't really want to spend the rest of my life alone but for now that is the choice I've made. I don't know what type of basket case you were when you arrived here but I think you are certainly a wise, tempered person at this point in your life.
I too struggle about *moving on*. I agree if a loved one dies then acceptance is somewhat easier b/c things are indeed final. This D-stuff is never really final, especially with kids in the equation.
Some people here are strong on *standing*. I agree with that but I disagree when their definition never allows a person to move on. It is standing or nothing. Same for dating - I know I am not ready, as you do, but there is a difference between not being ready and being stuck b/c we think we SHOULD not be ready yet.
If you stand and stand or delay the dating again and again, it is too easy IMO to fall into the *victim*, or worse the *martyr* role. That is a comfortable place of denial.
And not at all healthy.
So I tell new folks here to give it some time - to stand. I also tell my newly D'ed friends here to take it slow. But I always add that they should keep reassessing their position. Ask yourself why I am standing or why I am not dating. Be as honest as you can.
