I'm really glad to hear that he has agreed to MC with you.. that's wonderful news I hope that you find a "good one".
I have only one more comment for you:
Originally Posted By: undercoverwife
hurtandlost - I agree with your point about him needing validation. I wonder if this is something I didn't do enough or if the kind of validation he's looking for is something that has to come from within...his own self-pride kinda thing. Maybe my saying that he doesn't have to get a job if he doesn't want to or something is making him worse. This could get really confusing.
DomR- Yes, he's a "bored housewife". But I am not a work-a-holic! I am home every evening by 5 or so, we bowl on a league two nights a week.
I mention the "bored housewife" thing, because then, it can hopefully give you ideas on how to improve things. It doesnt matter that you arent a workaholic... what matters is his view of what he is doing.
As you replied to HaL... I think it's all about self-validation. I dont think he views what he is doing is fulfulling. or fulfilling "enough". I think that's the trap that many SAHM/housewifes fall into. you might look into things that they do to deal with those feelings, and see if any appeal to him.
And/Or... support him in efforts for him to find a job. You cant "get him a job", though. he first has to get excited about getting one, himself, i think.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
In our conversation last night, my husband and I talked about the amount of free time he has...his boredom. We have talked about some job opportunities and some training opportunities, but we know those don't happen immediately.
This is going to sound kinda cruel but in the meantime, we agreed that we would write down a list of household chores he can do every day to help keep him moving (instead of watching tv and or turning on the computer). He was agreeable to that, he says he doesn't mind doing that stuff but doesn't always think of doing those things. He is a little scatter-brained sometimes.
I am hopeful that the counseling can help him to see the value of what he does do. It does mean a lot to me and our home...and yes, I am hopeful that he can ultimately find a job. It will help in so many ways.
Thank you too for your comments! They were challenging and made me think in some new directions.
"This is going to sound kinda cruel but in the meantime, we agreed that we would write down a list of household chores he can do every day to help keep him moving (instead of watching tv and or turning on the computer). He was agreeable to that, he says he doesn't mind doing that stuff but doesn't always think of doing those things. He is a little scatter-brained sometimes."
I agree with Dom R. It's hard for them to open up about these issues and the validation must come as you said from within.
I wouldn't go with household tasks right now but encourage to get him involved with things related to his area of expertise so he can feel motivated to go back to work. Also and do some healthy things for himself like some sport that can build his self esteem. I say this because if what happened has something to do with his boredom, he can get resentful by doing something that he does not appreciate right now.
I agree with both you and DomR about his validation needing to come from within and that the housework is not a solution, it is a temporary diversion tactic and a quick option during the context of our conversation last night. We'll obviously have to get more creative to find ways to engage his interests while also kinda feeding his ego. It might be a bit of a challenge but we are keeping our eyes and options open.
He actually does love doing some projects around the house...and there are plenty to do. The thing that is stopping him/us is that things are pretty tight financially right now. The holidays will be a struggle...I've asked that we put off those projects (which were nickel and diming us to death) until after the holidays when things will, hopefully, get a little better.
I hope that you find a "good one".