Thanks Soul Mate, I agree, I should not feel like I need to help her anymore - she only gets upset.
I have been told by all of the people I have confided in that I have done nothing wrong and to not let this eat at me too much. Even my W says that the few friends and family she has talked to say she is making a huge mistake. All through our marriage, they have told her how lucky she was to have me. W even went so far as to suggest she knows 2 single friends of hers that would be knocking at my door if we get divorced. I told her that I am not interested.
Finally, my W told me last week something I do that bothers her and it is that I act a little goofy at times to be funny. I told her that I did not know that it bothered her and would make a point in the future to change my behavior. To be fair, I told her something she does too that bothers me which is having so much sprawl and little possessions around the house.
I had a nice 4 day weekend in Seattle with S7 and D5. I let W initiate any phone calls to us. The kids liked the short 4 hour train trip and the activities we did in Seattle.
When W picked us back up in Portland on Sunday at 6 pm, I noticed that I thought I smelled alcohol and as she drove us home I noticed she swerved out of her lane a few times. She left our house to stay at her teacher friends house after helping get the kids ready for bed. I ended up waking at 3 am thinking about the possibility of her driving her family under the influence and that she most likely was drinking that afternoon with OM.
This morning I may have violated some of my DB'ing that I was doing so well for the last week. W had to drop our van off for repairs and I picked her up after I dropped the kids off at school. On our drive to her work, I brought up my suspicion that she had been drinking prior to driving us home. She denied it at first and then responded a little irrationally by saying she was an alcoholic. I just told her that I was concerned about safety and that she should have had me drive when she has had some drinks.
I then asked what her plans were after this week of her house sitting/separation was over. She did not know. I told her to do whatever she feels she needs to do and that I will always be here for her to return to. I mentioned about a couple like ourselves (asian lady/caucasian man) that I observed in the aisle next to me on the train. They did not appear to talk to each other for the whole 4 hour trip and both seemed to be lost in their own thoughts. I told W that I thought they were maybe going thru the same thing as us. W commented that life is not like the movie "Enchanted" (which coincedently the kids and myself watched in Seattle and W watched in Portland this weekend). I told her that she and I have opposite view points on that matter right now.
She asked me if I went running this morning (I run almost every day at 6 am) and I said I did and that I had woke up at 3 am because I had a hard time sleeping. I then told her that my reading of R books and this forum was giving me much inspiration and hope, but at times I am down.
We both said good bye and have a nice day when I dropped her at her work.
Our talk was not confontational, but I wonder if I should have just kept my mouth shut and talked about our day/week plans for the kids.
One more thing - She did seem to really miss the kids being away for 4 days. She did not thank me for taking good care of them, but I know that she realizes that I am a great father to the kids.
I may decide soon to take the kids for a longer trip during Christmas to Mexico. The kids would like it a lot and I think W may have some envy about not being part of a family vacation.
I picked W up to go and get D from school and then get our van from the shop. We had time to talk and I brought up the subject of going to Mazatlan Mexico with the kids for winter break. I asked her if she would be willing to join us as a family. She gave various answers and the one that got me most depressed was her suggestion that I do a week with the kids and she does another week with the kids and OM. I told her to think about it and would like an answer within a week so as to do the reservations.
We ended up talking R some in a nice manner. I told her what I have learned about affairs and the walk away wife syndrome. I reiterated that even though I am hurting emotionally very bad, that I am willing to wait for her to figure out what she wants. I told her that if she finds that the OM does not work out that I will be here for her. She says that she feels that it is so unfair for me. I told her that I will find a way to wait it out.
She ended up opening up some with me about the OM and said that he is a lot richer than me (has a bigger house, flys first class, visits Beverly Hills, etc..) and that she has met his family. I told her that I hope she does not base her love on financial status. She said she understands this. Also, I pointed out that she (an OM) are feeling good now because their relationship is still in its early stages. I told her as time wears on that one of them may have different feelings. That is why I am leaving my heart open for her. She did seem to say that if this R with the OM does not work out that she will decide that is enough and return to me.
She says that she has already told our kids about him.
I asked her how come she has not filed for divorce. Her quick answer was that it had to do with me providing health insurance. This just goes against logic. If the OM is so rich, health insurance would be no problem. I think she wants to use me as a safety net in case the R with OM does not work out.
At least now I have some better understanding of why our M is where it is at. I dont know if there is really anything that I have done wrong and I believe she was swept off her feet when she met him at the night club. She did admit that she liked flirting. As I look back on our M, prior to her metting OM, we had a beautiful R.
I still have so many things to ask and clarify with her. I think I will write a nicely worded letter so she can answer some questions and read my thoughts about where we are.
Had a talk with W in the evening to clarify some things for me. She now indicates that her R with OM is just as a friend and she does not know if it might go further than that. She has been introduced to his family and he has wanted to meet our children. I talked about what honor is and that I see no honor in a man that would pursue a married woman and possibly cause the breakup of her family. She also told me that her loss of love for me happened shortly before meeting him, so this means I really do need to find out what I have done wrong in our M and fix it. I am getting good info from "The 5 languages of Love" and will soon read "For Men Only: A Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of Women".
She still seems to think that it would be best for me emotionally if we just got the D over with. I had to really make her understand that I will not give up on our M and family life together and that I am learning to endure through the emotional pain. I told her that I wanther to feel free to do as she wishes and that I have no timeline. I gave her a nicely worded letter to clarify my thoughts. She knows that an A would be devastating to me, but I also have told her that I truly believe we could recover from it and I could forgive and start over with a clean slate. I have confidence in my W and whatever decision she comes to.
As for myself, in the nearly 2 months since this started, I have been watching what I eat and have been working out strenuously. I have lost close to 20 pounds to a point where I was before I got married (165). My goal is to get down to around 155 but because I am doing some weight training, my muscles mass might not get me their. One thing I remember various times my W said during the marriage whenever she looked at some pictures of me when I was single and a boxer with a ripped stomach was that she would sure like to meet that guy. Well, my tire around my stomach has pretty much disappeared and the washboard is coming back. Sooner or later she will start to notice. I do know she sees me get up and run in the cold almost every morning. She has told me that the OM is old (58-67) and fat. Surely, if she sees the new me with my shirt off in comparison to the OM that has to be worth something in her mind.
The golf lessons I have been attending during the week days evenings are a lot of fun and I am going to enjoy this sport. I always do things with the kids on the weekends while W does a class or some other thing. W never just has the kids by herself on the weekend. I was thinking that I still need to find something for myself to do just by myself on the weekends. From one of the other threads, someone mentioned about http://www.meetup.com and I have checked this out. I am excited as this looks like there are all kinds of groups that I might enjoy. And if we do end up getting a D, it sure looks like a great way to meet others for a possible future R.
Wow, you just can't stop talking about the relationship and the OM, can you.
She must not be that far gone or she'd tell you to piss up a rope. Know what all that talking about relationship books does? Makes you appear like you are being superior. Putting down OM and all that just makes her think more of him.
As I read through these relationship talks, I saw a very desperate and needy man. You are willing to hear about this OM, or be her fallback plan. You have not scrawled one line in the sand and I think with some boundaries that you might appear more attractive. I personally would have asked her to move out, for my own self-respect, and worked on attracting her back from separate households, but that's me. I know you aren't ready for that, but you have GOT to quit with the R talks and how you are her fallback plan. Start thinking about your own life and how you want to live it. Focus on yourself and your kids. She needs space and time and an understanding that you aren't automatic.
Think a little into the future. If she came to you tomorrow and said she wanted to be with you, would things just be rosy? Or would you suddenly realize that she isn't necessarily all that trustworthy? What have you done to work on your issues? What have you done to build up your self-esteem? Believe me, it needs work if you are actually telling her to her face that you are there when things fall through with OM.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Last night was the first time that W stayed away and did not help our children off to school in the morning. I took care of that with no problem this morning. She just called me to see how it went and I said no problem. That along with my taking the children on the 4 day train trip to Seattle surely must help her to realize that I am a super dad.
Even though I have my hands full with paying bills, doing dishes, doing yard work, fixing things at home, I am trying to take the initiative to do any other household chores that W normally does such as the laundry. I figure anything that I could do to relieve any stress she might have has to help with our situation.
And what is your wife doing? You have taken up all of the slack. She has zero responsibilities. There may come a time when you are doing 100% of the stuff around the house because she no longer lives there, but until then, don't take up all the slack. Thank her when she chips in and congratulate her on a job well done. Being Mr. Mom may actually be seen by her as a superficial attempt to win her back and may not earn you a lot of kudos. Consider doing stuff that is just for yourself and your own growth. What do you enjoy doing? It can't be just housework.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
You are right about the cant stop talking part. Just when I think I have detached real well for a week, she brings up something that I cannot ignore. I have got to be like a duck and let these things roll down my back like water.
I am very desperate as my fear of a D is eating at me. I so much want to spend every day with my kids and fear that a D is going to take them away from me. I know that if I get a D that I will find another companion and be sucessful in my life, but I fight for my marriage mainly for the benefit of my kids.
I have told her I dont want to know anything about the other man, but she still lets bits and pieces out.
We did have the talk before of her moving out and my taking the keys to our house from her so as to simulate what divorce would be like. This just really pissed her off and she talked about meeting a rich guy so as to afford a good D lawyer. I so hate being a doormat right now, but I cant really think how else to be firm with her without having her file for a D. For now, I seem to have a lot of time to work with.
If she comes to me tomorrow and wants to be back with me, I fully realize along with herself that we are not done working on our M. I have told her that if she has an A that it will be a difficult commitment on both our parts to rebuild our R.
I do have confidence in my W and love and respect her still. I am optimistic that we are going to get through this with time.
