I want to thank everyone for their advise, encouragement and inspiration. I so highly value it and hope as I become more proficient in DBing and detaching that I can provide benificial knowlegable advise for other threads.
Nothing much to report today. I went to see and film my sons Ukelele recital while W took D for violin lessons. When we came home, the whole family including W went out for Sushi. When we got back and S finished his homework, I took him to the cub scout den meeting and he had a blast. I really like scouting as it allows my S to learn values they dont teach at school along with doing volunteer activities for the community. I hope to get D5 started in Girl Scouts next year. When I got back home from cub scouts, W quickly left the house, but she was concerned about me preparing lunch for the kids in the morning (telling me how to heat up chicken nuggets-I almost laughed). After getting the kids to bed, I decided to get a fair work out and release some frustration by doing a boxing workout in my garage. Hitting the heavy bag may seem like all brute rage, but I try to remain controlled and focus on technique along with doing consistent rounds.
It seems like I have been going for stretches of a week to a week and a half without talking R. It just seems that whenever I get some idea in my head or W would talk vaguely of R that I would blow it by talking about our R. From now on, whenever I get an idea, I will note it in my diary (another something new for me) and let it sit idle for 2 days at which time I will ask myself what I expect to gain by talking to W about it. This should terminate my initiating talks. And whenever W initiates any sort of R talk, I will just listen and prevent myself from adding my own commentary. She already knows my viewpoint so I dont want to be like the pesky bill collector that keeps hounding for payment when W has none to give at this time.
As far as detaching, I like the advise and I think as I get more into making myself happy and better for myself, it should come naturally. I have written down the Mantra that Lanzo mentioned plus I have printed out the following "let go" poem. Both are next to my bed so as to read before falling asleep and upon waking.
To "let go" does not mean to stop caring. It means I can't do it for someone else.
To "let go" is not to cut myself off. It's the realization I can't control another.
To "let go" is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To "let go" is to admit powerlessness which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To "let go" is not to try to change or blame another. It's to make the most of myself.
To "let go" is not to care for, but to care about.
To "let go" is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To "let go" is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To "let go" is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
To "let go" is not to be protective. It's to permit another to face reality.
To "let go" is not to deny, but to accept.
To "let go" is not to nag, scold, or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To "let go" is not to criticize and regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To "let go" is to not regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
I'm glad you read my post and copied my mantra, but it seems to have disappeared from your thread (well I can't see it anymore).
Anyway keep thinking detachment for now, when you interact with your W, think I'm interacting with a friend. If you have that in mind then they'll be no need for R talk. You may think about it, but there will be no need to talk about it.
Trust me once you start to move away from W, then you will find that she starts to move towards you. Ignore any talk of OM or other stuff she throws at you to goad you back in to your old behaviour, just keep doing what you started to do.
Life sucks at the moment but we all know that DB works or is working because we're all going through it thats why we've all stepped in to help you.
Me:50 W: 49 T:20yrs M: 14 yrs D:11 2005 PA 2006: EA (2003 : 2007) 2007: April ILYBNILWY Aug PA, Sept Separate 2008: Feb Piecing 2009 Limbo 2011: Separated (same house) 2013: Divorcing
I got home from working out last night around 7:30. I stopped at the Big 5 and bought a speed jump rope to add to my workouts at the YMCA and home. Upon walking throught the door, W explained what I need to make the kids for lunch tomorrow morning and she was out the door in 5 minutes. She even wrote the lunch items on the white board we have on one wall. I think it is funny that she obsesses over something so simple as putting together a lunch for the kids.
As I was coaching the kids to get moving out the door in the morning so as to not be late for school, W calls the house like she has done the last 3 mornings. I dont answer because I am leaving the house. She then calls my cell phone. I dont answer because I am getting kids in the car. 5 seconds later, my cell rings again, I answer it and tell her that I will call back when I am not busy and I hang up. After I drop the kids off I call her back. She wont let me talk first about some school issues, she just has to ask about the lunches. At least she is concerned about the kids.
She calls me at work 30 minutes later. She has a class on Saturday and besides myself doing some door to door food collection with the cub scouts, she wants me to take my son to a birthday party in the afternoon because she wants to go shooting with a friend around the same time when she gets done with her class. I assume the friend is the OM. About a month ago when she blew up hysterically on the news I had contacted her brother/mother, she seemed so far gone that I worried that she could be suicidal so I changed the combination to the handgun safe and even took the trigger off my rifle and put it in there. So now, I wonder what it will be like when she trys to get her guns from the safe and cant open it. One other thing about the guns - she always relys upon me to remind her and help her to clean them. Not anymore - this is something she needs to take responsibility for as it is her hobby.
Even though I have so very little time to myself, I still want to try to do something by myself on a Saturday, but dammit, she keeps having conflicting schedules and I end up with the kids (who I enjoy regardless). Sunday, she takes our son to chinese class while I take care of D (usually take her ice skating). So I need to find a good meetup.com group to join and just tell my wife I am busy on a particular saturday. I am thinking about a hiking/outdoors group. I saw Heimlich say he joined a single one, but I dont want to be available for other gals just yet. I think a hiking one would be nice as I could still socialize with other ladies, but not make it appear that I am available as I still wear my rings. I also have considered joining a divorce support group or a political group (although I am not that passionate about politics). There even is a group for moms and dads to bring their kids to and play together.
It is a little difficult getting a life for myself, but I am going to try.
Just got off the phone with W. I called to tell her that I picked up some forms for her at a Dentist we are switching to because of a change in my company insurance plan. She thanked me for this and reminded me about the weekend plans with the kids. She also told me that she was having blood in her stool over the last 10 days, but that it did not hurt except during the end of urination. I told her my concern, that I have no idea what could cause that and that she better see a doctor very soon.
I realized that her temporary stay away will be ending this Sunday, so I asked her what her plans are after that. She did not know, but says she misses staying with the kids. I told her that she cannot live in the same house with me if she is still seeing OM. I told her that I have my dignity and she needs to respect that. She cant have it both ways. Get an apartment if you are going to keep dating him. She asked whether she should move her clothes out too - I said yes, by all means. I also told her that I was booking the trip for the kids and myself to Mexico. She wanted to know the dates as she wants to do something with the kids around that time also. I told her I would get back to her on that, but that it is so wrong if she intends to take our kids on a vacation with OM. I told her that if she does not know of her own future with OM, that I refuse to allow our kids to be confused about their own future. I told her to think about it from my perspective. She was quiet and we said goodbye and hung up.
I dont believe I have violated any DB rules. I needed to make a firm stand for myself and not allow her to take advantage of me and have control over my plans. I feel quite good about myself now. I am not thinking of her as my wife anymore. I have to say that I have no love for her now. If she returns to the way she was, I can love that person, but the selfish woman she has become is not someone I can respect and care about.
If she decides to fall in love with the OM, she will still need to be the one to initiate the D. I will still hold a place in my heart and mind for her for to return to. I cannot give up as I want to tell myself, friends, family, and kids in the future that I persevered in trying to make my M work. I am now focused on making myself better for myself and whoever might become my next love. If my current W likes this and wants back into my life, I will just see how I feel at the time about her and whether she is willing to never stray again.
She is being a damn fool. I think she is having a mid life crisis and the meeting of this rich guy, who she says is old and fat, is clouding her common sense. She knows that I am a partial owner of a software company and that my company has been getting a lot of exposure recently. Never in my last 20 years of working for my company have I felt this confident that I am actually in for some very good paydays in the near future. Maybe she sees the guy that is rich now and figures that will make her life good. If she bases her happiness on money, I dont want her as part of my life.
Womens attitudes sure have changed since the womens lib movement. I remember a time before I was married, I was taking ballroom dancing lessons with mostly senior citizens. There was one time that an old guy around 70 confided in me that he did not envy us young guys now days. He said that when he was younger, that women seemed to be more grounded and dedicated to their relationship with their man. I did not understand what he was talking about then, but I sure understand him now. It sure seems like something has changed for the worse in our society that women now initiate 2 out of every 3 divorces.
I think you took a good stand when it comes to your kids. DB sometimes doesn't apply when it comes to protecting the children which is the most important. I told my H awhile ago that he could not introduce our son to OW, until he was positive of his future with her. I couldn't see bringing someone into my son's life when she might end up leaving someday too. Plus the confusion and hardship this would cause for him. So I think you did quite well, you were direct and firm without being insensitive to her.
I agree to that you don't love that person they have hopefully temporarily become. I didn't love that person my H became either. Therefore it became MUCH easier to detach. It is good that you are seeing things more clearly now and not just with your emotions....you are on a good path, keep it up.
Congrats on your software company, that is huge. What company do you own? Just curious because I am a software tester. YOu don't have to post it here if it would cause problems. Just curious.
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
I hope my situation becomes like yours is sounding now. You must be so happy. You are going to need to update your signature and move your threads into the piecing forum. Keep up the good work and attitude!
I am a device driver developer that specializes in fax.
I like what my brother in law from Thailand told me recently - It is quite hard for a man to succeed in work and love at the same time. He is a successful othopedic surgeon, but alas to my knowlege, his marriage has been quite stagnant for many years.
Wow! You did great. I think you drew the correct line in the sand. As long as you were able to have the conversation without anger, then I think it was just right. You set your boundaries. Great job.
Me
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I had a nice golf lesson tonight. Upon coming home, I helped W get the kids to bed. I heard D5 ask W when she was going to sleep with her again. W said on she would be back on Monday night to sleep with D5. As W was leaving, I asked W, "So you are moving back in on Monday?" She said "I guess so". I said, "So you are done with the OM?" She gave a big sigh that meant "no" to me and seemed quite upset. I told her that she is not living in this house while she is still having an affair because I need to maintain my dignity and expect her respect. You need to find yourself an apartment right away. I finished by saying that she needs to consider if our situation was reversed - would she put up with me having an affair and living under the same roof. Upon that note she started walking out the door. I said "good bye". Throughout, I maintained a cool and calm composure.
Shortly, after D5 called me to her room and asked when is mommy going to be back home and sleep with her again. I was truthful and told her that I really dont know. It may be a long time. We just need to be patient.
I do not want my children's integrity hurt by my W's actions of pretending that none of this matters to them. I am dedicated to be their rock of a father. I need to be in a position to keep the pain from them to a minimum. When they truly grasp what is going on, any indecision will be like a knife through their hearts that just keeps getting twisted.
I am now going to do a boxing workout in my garage.
