WAW - We are in a "Hang Loose" mode for now

[smith18]

I used to enjoy a lot of outdoor activities like sailing, mountain climbing, back packing, skiing, etc before I got married. As my endurance gets better, I plan to go climb Mt Hood and ski down it soon.

My W does thank me for things that I do so that has to mean something. One thing I need to really work on for myself is to thank her more when she does special things.

You are right about the cant stop talking part. Just when I think I have detached real well for a week, she brings up something that I cannot ignore. I have got to be like a duck and let these things roll down my back like water.

I've been reading through your thread - You're nothing close to detached.

I am very desperate as my fear of a D is eating at me. I so much want to spend every day with my kids and fear that a D is going to take them away from me. I know that if I get a D that I will find another companion and be sucessful in my life, but I fight for my marriage mainly for the benefit of my kids.

Right now, you can't fight for your marriage - At least directly. You have to fight for yourself. Your W doesn't care about working on your marriage at all, so don't even try to make that part of any discussion.

We did have the talk before of her moving out and my taking the keys to our house from her so as to simulate what divorce would be like. This just really pissed her off and she talked about meeting a rich guy so as to afford a good D lawyer. I so hate being a doormat right now, but I cant really think how else to be firm with her without having her file for a D. For now, I seem to have a lot of time to work with.

Why let yourself be a doormat? Why put yourself in the position where you would 'simulate what a divorce would be like'? You need to get a life, do something on your own, and not act like your spending all your time waiting for your W to come around. Does OM spend all his time 'waiting for her'. I doubt it.

If she comes to me tomorrow and wants to be back with me, I fully realize along with herself that we are not done working on our M. I have told her that if she has an A that it will be a difficult commitment on both our parts to rebuild our R.

And I'm sure you telling her that scared the crap out of her. WAWs are vulnerable and scared. Putting pressure like that on them is just going to push them away quicker.

I'll be really honest - I'm not seeing a guy that a W would want to come back to. You are totally weak when it comes to her behavior. You ask her about going to Mexico for the holidays - She basically said no. Make reservations for you and the kids, then tell her you're going. Is it impossible to add her later if a miracle happens - Nope.

As for OM - Forget about him. She's scared, she's alone, she's looking for someone who can solve all of her problems in one go. That's him right now. We both know he can't do that, so eventually it is going to come crashing down around her. Who do you think she'll come to when that happens? A whiny guy who has to ask her permission to do anything, or a strong and assertive person who she can rely on to be there for her.

You need to take a few steps back and look at how you are behaving around your W.`You seriously need to go get a copy of DR and read it before you have more interactions with your W.

My W does thank me for things that I do so that has to mean something. One thing I need to really work on for myself is to thank her more when she does special things.

We both know that isn't 'for yourself' in the way that DR suggests - That's a hope that your W will come around.

Sounds like you really need to find yourself, and find things to do that are not focused on your W....

[smith18]

You all are so right - I am letting my wife have the upper hand and control my life. A woman is not attracted to a man that is someone they can control like a worm. I am going to have to change my behavior about this situation and become more assertive towards my life without W affecting me. I must dig deep into my self and force myself to change and make these changes permanent.

Even though your responses are harsh and to the point, I want to thank you so very much for them. This is the reason I post - I highly value opinions on my situation as I am so confused emotionally right now and really need to be hit upside the head. This is beyond any doubt the hardest thing I have ever had to go through in my life.

I understand everything written in DB and DR which I have read. I dont agree with bits of it such as having sexual relations while your marriage is in turmoil. However, most if it has spot on information that goes against my initial beliefs on how to save a marriage. Trying to implement the last resort technique sounds easy, but I am keep failing at it and back sliding. I am going to have to get this right soon.

How long did it take you guys to start DBing correctly?

[craig54]

kerry, it took me almost 3-4 weeks, of flayling around , before
i was able to consistently start to db effectively.it is hard, it goes against everything we want to try. plus emotionally i was a mess. i let my wife see this, i wish i hadn't . it scared her.

[simple25]

GET PISSED OFF!!! that helped me to do a little detaching.

I've realized that I don't deserve this BS. Do I still love my H - yeah - somewhere in there I see it, but right now I am so frigging pissed at the way he has treated his family that I have lost major respect for him as a man...this helps me to detatch.

How long did it take you guys to start DBing correctly?

It took me a week or two, but only once I started to detach did all the pieces fall into place. You can 'fake' DBing for a while, but you won't really be doing it. Only when you actually separate yourself from what is going on will you realize why it makes sense.

I don't really consciously DB anymore - I do the things that have a positive effect on the relationship with my W, and I don't do the things that don't. It's pretty simple. I don't go around second guessing everything I do anymore, nor do I put as much weight into what she does day to day as I used to.

Start out by lowering your expectations. If your W comes back, it might be a year. It's not going to be a month or two. I'm four months in, and while my W and I get along much better, she hasn't even started working on her own problems... Whatever happens, it's a LONG haul, so prepare yourself for that.

[Wooglint]

Detaching is the only way I'm getting through this. I've picked little things to focus on and look forward to if I end up on my own. For example, I won't have to deal with flower sheets and poofy pillows on my bed. Stupid I know, but effective for me.

It's things that don't diminish my love of W, but are things I look forward to.

[Teddy]

Things are still pretty raw for you. Can't say I can really respect a woman that would run from her kids. At some point you are going to have to find some respect for yourself and not take that kind of behavior any more. If anything, remember that your son is watching how you handle this. Remember that right is on your side.

Just my thoughts...

[Torchbearer]

I second Brit, you can 'fake' DBing for awhile and I think many of us do it in our early efforts. You read the words and you try to act on them, but you haven't really internalized anything yet. I know that once I really came to terms with the situation and more importantly, my role in our situation, my anger subsided and I really I think for the first time understood what was going on. At first I was really angry at my H for leaving, but as I developed a true understanding of what was going on and had been going on I was no longer angry with H. I didn't like the sitch, but I was more at peace with it. I didn't want a D, didn't even want to think about it, but I had to because he filed and I was served papers. That was the "all business" side and I dealt with things in a practical and realistic manner. I began doing things 'as if' the D was going to happen. Not a positive thing, but it helped me build strength and realize I could go it alone.

I'm not really sure on the timing, I think it took me about a month before things really started to kick in after floundering for a few weeks.