If your reaction creates annoyance, than you're not in a position to validate his feelings. I don't think you can be annoyed and validating at the same time.
With all due respect, CL, I have to disagree. If you are using the DB principles in concert, then you apply "acting as if" when your feelings are running contrary to validating. Additionally, analyzing why we react/do what we do is not always very beneficial (watch some of Michele's video clips). I would suggest figuring out and doing a 180 the next time this comes up. Figure out what would be the complete opposite of the way you've responded in the past. Detach from the idea of running away, and try to think of him as a friend. How would you respond if a friend were telling you about feeling like running away?
I'm new to DBing. I purchased in October Michele's book, The Divorce Remedy because my husband told me in late September that wanted a divorce. We are both on our 3 marriage. I've tried Acting As If and the 180. In the beginning these strategies seemed to be working. But as of a week ago he told me he still wants out. He has been gone all weekend because he needed to get away. He told me he wasn't sure where he was going to go, but that he would be back Sunday (today)afternoon.I haven't heard from him since he left on Friday. Any suggestions on how I should act when he does come home?
IA Child, I think it would take great thespian skills to pretend validation when one feels otherwise. I get the sense from Edie that doing so would be a great struggle.
I think to increase insight around her reactivity and change her interpretations and judgments about her H's comments will lead to a greater likelihood that she will be able to perform the DB behavioral strategy you recommend.
I agree that she must change her behavioral response to her H, but insight about her reactions will increase the likelihood of her being to make that change.
Insight and behavior change complement each other. Of course, whatever combination works for Edie is the correct approach.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Hi, perhaps having your own thread with a little more background history might help get responses. One month isnt' enough, 3+ months didn't "convince" my H to come back, 8 did, I was separated for that long. Tell you you want to give him space and time, ask him if he'd consider marriage counceling.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Hi CL, IA, LWB, Cat and Beautiful2 - thanks for stopping by.
CL and IA thanks for the insights. Both of you, while disagree, have helped me. I do find it difficult to "validate" while annoyed, but I think that by analyzing the situation and discovering what I can do in terms of 180s when in the sitch, I can find ways to get over my uncomfortablness. I must admit that generally speaking I am an open book. If I'm annoyed, confused, happy, sad, whatever, it's written all over my face. I'm awful at acting as if - if I feel it, you know it. That makes awkward conversations rather tricky in my household. But I'm working on this...I'll have to see what happens.
Hey Beautiful2 - every sitch is so different and all of them are loaded with so many levels of behavior and actions - so hard to know from one situation to the next exactly how a spouse will act or how one should act in response to a spouse - tough stuff. I hope things are going ok - your H has been back for a few days, right?
CAT - thanks for coming by and reading and posting!
LWB - I need to catch up on you! i saw that you had a really long thread going -nice work.
Journaling - Not so much going on. I've been busy with ceramics class - which is finishing up in the next week or two - and catching up on school work. I haven't put up any christmas decorations yet (which isn't entirely unusual for me, but I'm starting to get in the mood) and I haven't bought 1 gift yet - eek! All well, I still have time, right?
I hope you all are doing well!!
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
So, looks like everyone is getting a ceramic pot for christmas this year. I still haven't done 1 lick of shopping - all well. I at least know what I'm getting everyone. It's just a matter of doing it - and of course, at the very least, everyone can get an EdieMarie original...won't that be nice? lol.
Just plugging away at home. Working on staying detached yet still loving and trying to communicate. H is more and more loving and seems to be really trying. Of course, not to the level I would like, but I'm about a full year ahead of him in figuring this stuff out. This time last year he still had 1 (or maybe both) foot in his R with OW and 1 foot or toe in our R. He finally seems like he's working on this in his own way. He mentioned this week about getting us new wedding rings for Christmas. I just said, hmm...that's an idea.
However, it's not rings I'm looking for, I'm wanting counseling. I didn't tell him that though. We'll see what the New Year brings...I don't want to push it with him. After releasing him a few weeks ago I took my rings off. I haven't had them on since. I don't plan on putting them back on without a plan (i.e. counseling) to get us back on track. I don't envision that conversation happening any time soon, and I'm not at all stressing about it - just thinking through the plan for when/if it does come up.
I'm planning on moving to New England in June. Most of my family is there and we only live here because this is where H wanted to live when we got married. I wasn't 100% sold on the idea, but agreed to do it thinking it would help him. I've applied for my teaching license and am in the process of looking for work - yippie! I don't know if H will come with me. He knows my plans and talks as if he is going to do the same, but he is one that has a difficult time pulling the trigger - I wouldn't doubt if at the last minute - like the day we go to move - he says he can't do it. It's that committment thing. All well, I don't need to worry about it now. I'm just forging ahead with my plans because it's what I want. I've done too much and made too many allowances for what he wants.
Hope everyone is doing well!!
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
Well - my shopping is almost done - almost! One gift for my bro, one for my mom, one for H and I'll be done. H and I are heading to my parents tomorrow for the weekend and Christmas Eve. Then off to his family for Christmas day. I'm looking forward to the holiday being over - I hate that. I hate to wish for holidays/days/weeks/months to be over. I'm trying to focus on enjoying each and every day and live them to the fullest. I think I read on here somewhere if you take care of the cents the dollars take care of themselves. I think that applies to other situations - you take care of being happy/content/blessing others etc today and the rest will follow. I'm sure of it.
Not a whole lot is going on. I really do lead a boring life. I need to work on that. One thing that I'm working on doing is reconnecting with old friends. I really checked out of everyone's life when H dropped the bombs he did. I should have done better at returning phone calls/emails/invitations to meet up with others for drinks. But at the time I was frozen in this denial, depression, embarrassement, etc that I was incapable of responding. I can't explain it well. I wanted to be with people, I wanted to have friends in my life, I just wasn't ready or able - does that make sense? And now, well, I'm able. I want that. I fear that I have lost some friends for good but I won't know until I try. Most of my friends aren't aware of everything going on with me and H, so this could be tricky. I'm meeting one friend on Thursday evening and another for lunch on Friday. I'm looking forward to it, but know that I may have some crow to eat - all well. Such is life.
Not much has changed with me and H. He's focused on completing him and I'm focused on completing me. We haven't had an R talk in over a month. I'm ok with that. I don't even know what I would say and I can't think of anything I would want to hear from him - except that he's ready to take our R to the physical level - we're at 22 months with no sex, but who's counting? He's affectionate, loving, caring, flirty, etc but NO SEX. None. Zip. Nada. Nothing. Not even pationate kissing and heavy petting - my students get more action than I do - gross. Anyway - if we could get our sex life back on track I would feel a whole lot better about us. Sex watch begins. I'm on day 685 without sex. We were joking about it last weekend and his response was "well, I think that issue is going to be fixed pretty soon." I laughed and wrapped my legs around him (we were standing in the kitchen getting ready to go out) and said "forget going out, let's just stay home and fix it now!" I said it laughing, and he laughed too, so it was a good moment. But we still went out. Truth be told, I'm really nervous about the whole idea of being intimate with him. I don't know if I'm really ready for that. I still have flashbacks about his A and there are some imagined images that I have a difficult time getting out of my head. I don't think those images are going to play out very well in the heat of the moment...
Well - that's it for now. Thanks for reading. Hope you all are doing well!
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
YAY! For Christmas break! Ah, the perks of being an educator. I spent 10 years in the business world before teaching and this is one major perk - getting paid to read novels and hang out with high school students is the real perk - the vacations just add to it.
Christmas was good, overall. We spent Saturday to Tuesday morning with my family and then we went to H's family for Tuesday and we were supposed to stay over night there - more on that later.
Over the summer when H abadoned me 2 or 3 times in the middle of the night and I was beginning to get fed up with his antics, I was bound and determined to leave him if he didn't leave his job/ow. During this time my Dad called him about 15 times to try to reach out to him to let him know that everyone was pulling for us and for him. He really wanted to be supportive. Well, H never returned my Dad's phonecalls and since then there has been complete silence between the two of them. Neither of them would do anything to fix the relationship (they used to be pretty close). Anyway, I was more than nervous about Christmas weekend - 4 days with my folks and H and Dad weren't talking???!! But H pulled through and the week before Christmas he called my Dad. Crises averted - Christmas was saved - yay!!!
During this same time (over the summer), H's mom was trying to reach him too. H had decided that he didn't want to speak with her either. There was just too much pressure coming from every angle and he chose to bury his head in the sand and not return her calls. Well, he never cleared the air with her prior to Christmas so Christmas day resulted in a huge argument between H and his mom in between turkey dinner and pecan pie. H was so fed up he said that's it, we're going home. Em, grab your bags and let's go. So before I could even taste the pecan pie I made for dessert we were in the car heading home. yick.
I must admit,MIL isn't my most favorite person, and I was looking forward to sleeping in my own bed, so I wasn't that heartbroken about their argument. Plus, it really had nothing to do with me - I should have taken some pie for the trip home. It sucks that it had to come to that, but I was proud of h. MIL was upset that we spent so much time at my parents - H said, "I've put her through hell, Mom, if she wants to spend all week with her folks I'll let her. She gets to choose. Not me. It's the least I can do." I thought that was so sweet. I lost all respect for MIL last May when she told H that noone wanted him when she was pregnant and she serioulsy considered putting him up for adoption. She's pretty selfish.
Gosh this is so rabmly - sorry. H and I are just hanging out this week. I have some aunts and uncles to visit this week and I plan on really cleaning the house - that will be nice.
I hope you all are doing well! Em
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
