Each Day is New...

[bhopeful]

tostada,
Thanks for the suggestions, but I don't think that we're to the point where she would want to travel with me. I don't really see it as an option for me to go either since we would be staying with him.

Jenny,
I woke up this morning thinking about it, so I decided to write my letter. I've posted it below. It does seem to me that she's "feeling me out". It's almost like she wants to know how much I'll take. That's why I feel like I need to write this letter. I need to establish my boundaries and let her know where I stand. Let me know what you think of the letter.
Thanks,
B

-----------------------------
W,

Lately you've been saying how you want to be real. I want to be that too, so I have to be real with you about my feelings about you and XXXX. Your willingness to become emotionally attached to him and how you've handled it regarding me have eroded my trust in you. Your unwillingness to sever ties with him only degrade it more. If you were to go to Spain to see him, I'm not sure that I would have any trust left to give you. I love you deeply and want to trust you just as much. I feel like I owe it to you to let you know my thoughts on this. I don't see this as an obstacle that we can't overcome. Just as you need to build trust in me again, I too need to rebuild my trust for you.

B

[JennyF]

B...I don't know. I sounds like it's got a lot of expectations attaced to it...not just about OM, but also about your R with her. Do you think your R is back to a place where you can put those expectations on her??

I don't see this as an obstacle that we can't overcome.

Are you sure she's at a place where she wants to overcome obstacles?

Also...all she was doing was talking about going right? I mean do the have dates blocked off and flights priced out? If she is just feeling you out...she mat not really be that serious about going and if you go there w/ this letter you could push her away w/ too many expectations. I might be a bit premature to send a letter like this.

I think you could find a way to more subtly establish your boundries...and I think it might go farther if it came up casually over conversation again instead of in a letter. That way you can say "I've been thinking a lot about it and this is how I feel..." And w/ her responses you can help to validate her. The letter could be taken a bit negatively and may make her defensive...I think you could communicate the "love" behind it better in person.

I know I'm being a bit of a devil's advocate...I hope that's ok.
I wonder if anyone else sees it this way or just me? Anyone?
J~

[bhopeful]

Thanks for your input Jenny. You make vary valid points. I've actually been thinking many of the same things since I wrote it. I think that I just needed to write it all down to get it out of my head.

I think that she may be to a place where she wants to think about working on things. So, giving this to her or even bringing it up has the potential to really push her in the wrong direction. Which is definitely not something that I want to do. I know that she doesn't have the money for a ticket over there, so it'll probably never happen unless someone buys it for her.

I've decided to sit on this for the time being. She's still just beginning to open up to me and maybe start to trust me with her feelings again. I can't risk losing the progress that I've made so far. Since he's not even in the picture right now (backpacking in east Asia), I'm going to let things slide for a bit. I'm going to be the best friend to her that I can be and a friend wouldn't send this type of letter.
Thanks for you input J.
Other opinions are definitely appreciated too.
B

[Pudmuddle]

hi b,

I'm going to be the best friend to her that I can be and a friend wouldn't send this type of letter.

This held my interest because when I started being a friend to my H, treating him like I would treat a roommate/friend, the db'ing became much easier. Don't know why, but maybe it helped remove the emotions that way. And it always helped me think to, now would I do this for/to someone who is a friend?

You have some really good insights about yourself, and I can see that you are a centered person. keep up the good work you are doing on you.

[bhopeful]

Thanks for noticing PM! It's one of the things that I've been working on for myself.

My W and I were friends before we started our relationship, so I've been trying to remember what that was like. After 10 years somethings fade from memory though.

I just hope that my W can see the changes that I've made in myself because I feel much better about myself now than I ever have. I've never taken the time in life to really look at myself and figure out who I want to be and what I stand for. So in some strange way I am glad for this time.

[JennyF]

B...I have a whole draft folder full of emails entitled "another one I won't send". Most of the time I too just need to get it off my chest.

These boards are great for it too...helps to put it all in perspective.

You're doing great...I love the insights you've come to since you first wrote it. I get the feeling if things keep going the way they are you won't have to have this conversation with her anyway!
J~

[Lkyguy]

I chose to give my ring back to her & told her I hope she asks me to wear it again someday.......she doesnt wear hers......that was early on.... I lost 70lbs a year ago & was putting it back on when the bomb dropped (had 30 back)...exercising & eating right ...its comming off again...

[bhopeful]

So here's something new for today...

I thought that my wife was going to be out of town all weekend, so I had so expectation of seeing her. So, I spent all afternoon out in the garage winterizing my motorcycles and getting the snowblower ready for another season. There's no phone out there and I didn't have my cell on me either, so I had no idea that she was calling me all afternoon.

Just as I came inside the house phone rang and guess who it was. She must have really wanted to get a hold of me because she never calls that number. This is the first time that she's called it since she left. It turned out that she was on her way home and wanted to stop by to see me and the dogs! I accepted of course. She didn't stay real long because of the weather, but I got the impression that she didn't want to leave. She seemed like she wanted to get dinner, but then her parents called to check on her. They worry a lot when the weathers bad, so she said that she should take off.

It was a nice visit that ended with a hug and a kiss on the cheek. I wanted to tell her to spend the night since the weather was so bad, but instead I told her to drive safe...

All in all, it was a very pleasant surprise for my evening.

[JennyF]

B...What a great day!!!
Whenever things happen to slow things down a little (like wanting her to spend the night but it not working out that way OR even the fact that she called all afternoon but didn't get a hold of you until later) I think it's fate ensuring that things move along slowly for you both.
I'm excited for you!
J~

[bhopeful]

Thanks Jenny. I really trying to learn to just roll with things. I think that I'm in the friendship stage of the separation and it's the hardest yet. But then again, you always think that the stage you're in is the hardest.

One hard thing about yesterday was that she kept making comments about wanting to take the dogs home with her and joint custody and junk. I know that this couldn't happen since her apartment doesn't allow pets. So I let it slide without saying anything, just a smile. Inside I wanted to tell her that there was no way in hell that I was going to let her take the dogs. If she wanted to see them or be with them then she had to come home. But this isn't something that a friend would say, so I didn't do anything. Just had to vent a little.

Just being a friend is hard work, but I know that it's also an important foundation to a relationship. So, I'm going to work hard at it.

Peace to all,
B