WAW - We are in a "Hang Loose" mode for now

[SirPrizeMe]

Kerry you seem very strong to me.

Why is it that I left the house when my W continued her relationship with the OM?

Why is it that she is still in the house while I am not?

Why is it that all my money goes to her, she stays in the house, and I live in a borrowed room?

hmmmmmm....

Anyway, Kerry I like what you are doing.
Stay strong.

[Heimlich]

Kerry,
Smart move to tread lightly with the friend. Last thing you need is for your W to start thinking that you're pressuring her through a 3rd party.

Sir, you did all of that because you love your W and family and there are no absolute right or wrong answers for any of this. We just do the best that we can.

BD

[SirPrizeMe]

Thanks BD.
Kerry, we're with you.

[smith18]

This morning was a bit tough getting kids moving for school. I had a good talk with W and we agree that more of a morning time schedule needs to be followed by the kids so it is not so hectic trying to prevent them from being late to school. I also plan to wake up 15 minutes earlier since W is not here in the morning to help out.

Tonight as I was putting D5 to bed after W had left, she told me that when she went shopping for a Christmas dress this afternoon that W told her that she was going to come back to me. She had a real cute smile of happiness on her face like a fairy tale dream had just become true. I kind of grinned myself, but I dont know how much to believe from a 5 year old.

I know that my W needs a lot of time on her own to decide what she really wants. Even if she comes back, I dont expect everything to just be hunky dory right away.

I am still looking forward to just the kids and I having a fun Mexican vacation. I only wish we could go longer than a week.

Tomorrow I am taking the day off to spend time with S7. We are going caroling with his school to various retirement centers. After that, I will help him build his Cub Scout Pinewood Derby car and shop for a xmas present for D5.

[smith18]

My friday off was a really good day. As my son finished up singing at one of the assisted living centers, he did what I recommended he do - he walked out into the audience of seniors and conversed and shook their hands. As I was filming him, it was hard for me to hold back tears of happiness as I could see the joy he was giving to many of the senior citizens. I told him afterwards how proud I was for him to not be so shy and that his friendly interaction with the older people probably brought back good memories of their own childhood. Him and I had a good time shopping after. We then picked his sister up after school and had a good time at my company party. W most likely went out drinking, but I dont care - if that is what she needs to make herself happy, so be it.

I have been doing very good lately in DBing and detaching. One example yesterday was that I called W from Lowes asking her what color stove range hood she would want me to buy. I did not even consider at the moment that she might not ever live in our house again - I just acted "As If" everything was normal.

I need to focus more when W is around and not be so aloof. For instance, a couple of days ago, when she came over to the house, I heard her say hi to me, but I was too busy to say hi back.

One thing I am hearing from her a lot when I talk with her about issues and things I am doing with the kids is "Thank You". The tone of the "Thank You" feels forced, but yet I wonder why she says it so much. I am thinking it is guilt.

She seems so confused and stressed out lately. She was informed various times of activiities I have scheduled with the kids, but she forgets when before she was the one to keep track of most scheduling. For instance, this weekend, we were doing bell ringing for donations with the cub scouts at the door to Macy's and W called to ask what we were doing even though I told her multiple times prior. She showed up to pick up the kids when we were finishing up and she looked bad - probably from being out drinking the night before. I am so glad that I easily quit drinking over 15 years ago.

Anyway, I am content to just stand back and let time take its course with her. The best thing was to get her out of the house for now. I think she is miserable, but I also think it will make her dig deeper into herself to figure out what she wants.

I have gotten myself into a detachment state where I do not love the person my W has become. I realize there is nothing I can do for her which would bring her back to her prior happy self. I am just going to keep focusing on keeping myself and my kids active and happy. She may have an awakening for what she is throwing away, but I am not expecting anything immediate. I need time for myself to grow too.

It would be nice if she could agree to go to Mexico with the kids and I during Christmas, but I am not counting on it. I would love for her to see some other parts of the world with the kids and myself besides the USA and Thailand. Regardless, the kids and myself are excited to get somewhere warm and experience a different culture for a week. I am going to make this a very fun and different Christmas.

[smith18]

I just got off the phone with W. She called telling me some things the kids put on their Santa wish list and was asking about the kids schedule for this week. I asked her about whether she would like to take us to the airport for our trip to Mazatlan on Dec 24 or if I should have my dad do it as he loves to get up real early for things like that. She was a bit frustrated as she thought I did not want her to do it. I think I clarified it for her as something I would prefer her to do, but that my dad could do it also and she needs to let me know if she wants to get up that early (4:0am). Should I offer to let her spend the night before our departure at our house or would that be breaking my line in the sand?

I asked her whether she would want to attend our Christmas get together at my fathers the day before we leave for Mexico. She paused in thought and then asked me if my brother knew of our situation and I said yes. She thought some more and said she would feel uncomfortable as she believes they would be looking at her as a (insert female dog term her). I told her that I understand and dont want to push her to attend if she would feel uncomfortable.

During our call, she brought up that she had something important to discuss concerning our situation, but said she was just too busy with other things to discuss it now. I did not push her to elaborate, but I am extremely anxious as to what it is about.

She also wanted me to have the same story as her if asked by her friends - and that is that we are all going to be in Mexico together. I asked her if she would consider going to Mexico with us and she said no. She says that her best friend in California may come to town or they may meet somewhere else for the holidays. She is worried about me taking care of the kids in Mexico where they have never been. I reassured her that I have and continue to research our trip and will keep them safe.

So now I know that she has something very big to discuss about our R. It is either that she has decided on a D or that she is wanting to return to work on our marriage. Why did she have to tell me that she has something big to discuss, but then not tell me what what it is? I dont know if she is wanting to discuss this until after the holidays or that she was just too busy at the time of our call. I will just be patient and let her decide the time and place to talk. This is like one of those TV shows where they leave you hanging on the last episode of the season.

All I have is bits and pieces of evidence:

1) She has told D5 that she might be returning some day.
2) She does not want to go on a vacation to Mexico with the kids and I during Christmas.
3) She thanks me a lot when we talk.
4) She seems very worn out, stressed and forgetful.
5) She still sees OM but I dont know how often.
6) She misses being with the kids and worries about them much.
7) She does not want some of her friends and associates to know what is going on.
8) She feels uncomfortable in seeing any of my family.

[Torchbearer]

You are being very strong and are doing tremendously well. Don't you hate it when they lead you in with "I want to talk, but not now?" or do something else that leads you to believe they want to discuss something big. Don't get too worked up. It may be positive, it may be negative and you're worrying about it won't change whatever it is. The other thing that I've learned is that sometimes it is something completely out of the blue and something you weren't expecting at all. You're thinking it's either she's finally working on D or that she's going to come back and work on M. It may be neither. Weird, but true.

Keep up the good work. It sounds like you and your kids are doing great. Your son's actions nearly brought tears to my eyes - what a wonderful and selfless thing to do - sharing himself with the senior citizens!!

[smith18]

Torch - Thanks for the kind words.

You are so right - it was neither of what I thought. She told me that one of our kids had let it known to their after school teacher that we were having marriage troubles. W also said that she wants to wait until after the holidays to get something fixed so the kids are not in turmoil. She also expressed that she wanted me to be free so as to date other women. She says that if she goes for a D that she cant see herself getting remarried right away. She also is pretty worried about her health. She says she is a selfish B. Basically, what I got from what she said is that she is still undecided about her future.

I had to reassure her to not worry about me, that I have developed some new emotional strength and that she can take as long as she needs to figure out what she wants.

After W left the house tonight, I had a talk with my kids telling them that it might be best to keep our family matters private. I told them that they should talk to daddy or mommy about anything that is troubling them. S7 started crying and said that he misses having mommy and I together in the same house. I was near tears upon seeing how hurt he was, but I sucked it in and said that they need to be patient and strong. Mommy and daddy will do all we can to keep each of you happy. Do not blame mommy or daddy for the situation. Do not give any pressure to mommy to return to our house. We might need to wait at least a year for our situation to be resolved, but we will get through this. I reassured them that no matter what happens, their lives growing up will still be good. D5 seems to handle this kind of talk ok, but S7 is very emotional. I let them both sleep in my bed tonight so they can feel comforted.

I called W after this and told her about my talk with the kids. She understands and said she will talk with them again tomorrow. I wonder how she will react or feel if S7 breaks down like he did tonight.

My plan for myself is to remain emotionally strong and happy, work hard at my job, keep getting myself physically fit, and focus on my kids happiness while teaching them good moral values.

[smith18]

My coworker has suggested the following on how to interact with the kids. I think this sounds like good advise?

You need to show your personal emotions about the situation to your kids...it will be VERY important down the road for your relationship that they know that you want this to go back to being like it was previously as much as they do. Words alone wont be enough. This is NOT a time to be strong... this is a time to show your kids you guys are all in the boat together and they are NOT alone in their feelings of pain. They will emotionally side with anyone they feel understands the pain they are going through... you can't do that while appearing strong.

I remember an incident when I was very young where a friend of the family died and my Mom knew I would take it very hard...she pretended that it was the worst thing that could possibly happen... so much so that I came to her rescue... trying to make her feel better about it. 10 years later, I learned she played it up knowing full well that in my focus to help her through it... I would forget about my own pain. It totally worked. The way to be strong is to have "their efforts" to make it not feel so bad...actually appear to work to them.

I would also suggest that the kids talking to ANYONE is better than bottling it up... long term what matters is that they get it worked through their system, not anything else. This is a devastating horrible blow to them... they need to talk about it as much as they want and that will probably be a lot. To them, a request to not talk about it is like asking them not to breath.

[Heimlich]

While I would say that telling your children that you want things back the way they were equates to blaming your W and I don't think that's good for your children long-term; your co-workers point about the kids being able to talk to anyone they choose about this makes sense to me. Asking them to keep this in the family strikes me as tremendously unfair to them and only serves to save your W from embarrassment. Well, too bad. Whatever helps them process/deal with this and whoever they want to talk to, let them.

Telling them that it's OK to be hurt and confused and that you're hurt and confused as well is also good. No harm in sympathizing with them that this is difficult for everyone -- mom and dad included.

BD