October 18, my husband of almost 7 years (December 2 is our anniversary) came home from work, asked if we could talk and proceeded to tell me that he didn't want to be married anymore, without much else of a reason. He also said that he felt he couldn't bring me around because people had "issues" with me, again without much explanation. He continued to tell me that when he goes out he does not think of himself as married and has tried to meet someone but then can't go through with it. He said he doesn't want me around more than he does want me around, and that he just wants his space. I mentioned counseling and he said, "We'll go in, the doctor will ask why we're here, and I'll say 'I don't want to be married', he'll look at you and say 'there you go' and that will be the end of it." If that's not bad enough this is the third time he has said this, (2003, 2005, now) all right around our anniversary and the holidays and each time I found out he was with someone else I can only assume there will be this time. Each time I have moved out and completely upheaved my life while he lives his life exactly how he wants. Each time we've gotten back together and things are great, then we blindly fall into the same routine. A friend of mine informed me of a profile on a dating website that said he was divorced (along with a b.s. bio), neither of us have filed for anything. After all that, crazily, I still want things to work and am willing to do anything, but I cannot give up, I won't give up.
M 29/H32 M 7yrs/1 dog Bomb 10/18 M in apt 11/13/ H in the house 1st now
Everyone is going to tell you to read DR or DB. I just got DR and am working on it.
IMO - If this is what he wants, you should NOT be moving out and completely changing your life to suit his A. that doesn't quite seem fair. I just started here, so others may have a different idea, but as this seems like typical behavior for him, I don't see how you should have to do that. Your life will change drastically, but it should be because of changes that you are making for you!
Good Luck and you've come to the right place. There are some awesome people here with great advice and real life experience.
take care - Ann
If i can't fall in love... I'd like to fall in chocolate! ~ Author Unknown
Ann is right. You need to get your hands on a copy of The Divorce Remedy (or it's predecessor Divorce Busting). Read it and get to know and understand it's principles. It might help you understand why this keeps happening in your marriage.
I also agree that you shouldn't be the one leaving the home. He's the one with the issues, so if you can take it, stick it out in the house.
Can you give us some more detail on your current situation? Do you have children? Are you still at home?
Peace, B
Me: 29 W: 28 T: 10 M: 7 No kids 2 Dogs and 1 Cat With Parents: 09/16/07 Apartment: 10/13/07 Back Home: ~2/16/2008
Well I actually checked DR out from the library today but I guess I was too late. He called me tonight and said he is going to file for divorce and he's made his decision, nothing I can say or do will sway it. He does not want to be married, he does not want to work on things, he likes his freedom and is enjoying his life. Thanks for your responses, but I guess it's time to give up. I don't know what else to say.
M 29/H32 M 7yrs/1 dog Bomb 10/18 M in apt 11/13/ H in the house 1st now
Even divorce isn't always the end of a relationship. My wife's parents remarried after being divorced for two years. I would suggest that you still read DR. There's lots of good advice in there that you can use. If you read the threads on here, a lot of people have heard what you heard tonight but they still haven't been served papers. You need to take things one day at a time right now. Don't give up hope unless that's what you really want. Do you have anyone that you can turn to for support right now?
Me: 29 W: 28 T: 10 M: 7 No kids 2 Dogs and 1 Cat With Parents: 09/16/07 Apartment: 10/13/07 Back Home: ~2/16/2008
There's no need to give up yet. It's fairly typical for them to say it's over, I made up my mind, there's nothing you can do to change it. Sometimes that really is the case, but sometimes it's not, plenty of folks have heard those words and then made progress on the R. Don't give up till you know that's what you want.
Me: 43 W: 41 Together 2009, Married 2011 Sons 10 and 6, Daughter 5 Bomb 2/21/21. W moved out 10/2021
I made a small step (I think) last night. I left him a message saying I reacted irrationally and that I should respect his decision. He called back and said that meant a lot to him. I'm not sure what that means but we'll see, anyway. . . I just beagn reading DR this morning and so much sounds like our situation, incredible.
M 29/H32 M 7yrs/1 dog Bomb 10/18 M in apt 11/13/ H in the house 1st now
That's usually a good first step. If he thinks you don't respect his decision he will never want to talk about it...he'll just be on the defensive thinking you're always intending to convince him to stay, and he'll just add that to the things he doesn't like about you right now. It may take time, but there may now be a potential for future dialogue.
Me: 43 W: 41 Together 2009, Married 2011 Sons 10 and 6, Daughter 5 Bomb 2/21/21. W moved out 10/2021
Thanks mako, I really appreciate the input. I read your thread and found a lot of similarities I think. It sounds like you are making great strides though. Been reading more of DR, I just hope it's not too late. Realized that I have been pursuing too much lately, sending texts, and emails. I've decided that I will NOT do this anymore, unless there is a dire need I will NOT call him. I'm going to give him his space, and take one day at a time, and work on getting to know the person in the mirror again and making myself happy. That's all I can do right now.
M 29/H32 M 7yrs/1 dog Bomb 10/18 M in apt 11/13/ H in the house 1st now
