WAW - We are in a "Hang Loose" mode for now

[Just_Me]

Pud,

I think we'll have to do that.

But I didn't say I couldn't forgive an affair or that I couldn't understand what motivates it. I can. I just wouldn't be able to live with my wife if she was openly and blatantly continuing to have an affair while living with me.

Me

[Pudmuddle]

Good point about enabling Kerry. I guess I didn't see my sitch that way because my H had originally asked ME to move out while he was having the affair. I stood my ground and said why should I move out when YOU don't want this?? So he moved to the other bedroom and THEN starting telling my son all about OW!! I again stood my ground and said unless he and OW future was serious, he was NOT allowed to discuss her or even introduce my S to her...

Then I let him live his own life (albeit still in the same house). We did not have sex, I would not allow that while he was still seeing her "loyally". He stayed in the house because of our S and that is the only reason. So in my sitch I did never feel like I let go of my self-esteem for the reasons I listed above. Others might see it differently.

But in your sitch Kerry, I can see that allowing her back in after she has been out, is different and one I would handle the same way you are. She wanted out, she needs to deal with the consequences of her actions.

You are a wise man KerryK, you will do well in this journey.

[Heimlich]

I'll just say, Pud, that I couldn't have done what you did, but don't think less of you for having gone about DBing in the way that you did.

BD

[Pudmuddle]

JM,

If my H had not had such a quick (lol@quick in db time - 2 months) turnaround and realized his mistakes and had not shown that he was willing to grow and change on his own, I could not have continued that way either. I would have at some point told him he must move out if he was going to continue on this path. I guess everyone has their points of tolerance and for me it was a little longer in the taking rather than immediate reaction of pride. Maybe the difference between you and I is our point of tolerability. Yours is more immediate and mine I give a little bit more time. So I think we are on the same page after all, just a different paragraph.

[smith18]

We all went to watch S7's winter school concert tonight. I was very moved as I did not think K-5 kids could put on such a good show. W and myself are very impressed with the quality of the curriculum and behavior of the students in the charter school that we have him in now. We hope that D5 can go there next year, but that is dependent upon a lottery process.

Once again, when W was putting D5 to bed, I heard W tell her that she would be back in our house on Sunday night and would sleep with her. After we left D5's room, I talked to W and reiterated to her that she is not staying in this house while she is seeing another man. I made my point clear why and she said she will be here Sunday night to talk to the kids about what is going on. I told her that we need to talk to the kids together about this. She was her usual irrational self and said "why dont we just get a D" if you want me out of the house this bad. I of course said that would be her decision as I am not going to give up on our marriage. She did the typical threat of, well I'll just have to think about doing that.

I think she finally understands that we will continue the way we have been for the last week where she can come to the house during the day for the kids sake, but not live here overnight. She seemed to indicate that she may continue to live at her teacher friends house, even after her friend comes back this Sunday. Good for me as I know the friend has told her before that she is making a big mistake - maybe her friend my help her to see the light some in the coming months. She also wants to know about some sort of schedule where she can have the kids. I just thought to myself, you could have them tomorrow, but you would rather go shooting with OM. She is so selfish that she cant see how little time she is making for spending time with her own children.

While we were talking, she was getting the gun bag out to pack her guns so as to go shooting tomorrow with OM. I told her that I had changed the combination to the gun safe and I would show her the new combination. I told her the reason I changed it about a month ago was on that particular day she seemed like she could be suicidal to me. She was quite upset that I would think this and did not want to know the new combination. I opened the safe and she got her guns out.

I guess because I was talking about death (ie. her suicide), she then started talking about what she wants me to do with her body (donate parts and cremation) because she thinks she is dying from within because of the blood in her stool over the last 10 days. I told her to stop with trying to lay guilt on me as she has not even bothered to go see a doctor. I have told her many times that I am concerned about what is happening with her and to go to a doctor immediately. It may be nothing serious, but if it is, the earlier you detect something the better the chances that it is survivable. I told her that if I had blood show up in my stool more than once, I would be at a doctor right away. Her procrastinating on taking 1-2 hours to see a doctor just confirms to me that very little of her common sense is functioning in her head. She could even pick up the phone and call her brother, who is a doctor, for advise.

I then told her of the dates that I plan for the kids and my trip to Mazatlan Mexico and that if she changes her mind that we could most likely add her on later. I reminded her to not have our kids do anything with OM while we are still married. She thought I was talking about her going on vacation with OM and the kids and asked if it was ok for her to take them out to dinner with OM who she says is just a good friend. I said, do not confuse our children right now by introducing another fatherly figure into their life. I told her that our children should be both of our #1 priority right now. I also told her that I briefly told the kids yesterday that I dont know when mommy is coming back and that if they have any questions or worries that they should not keep it to them selves but let me or mommy know.

She finally said we have to stop talking as she was getting worn out and wanted to leave. We only talked for 10 minutes and none of it was R talk. I think she does not want to face the fact that I am being assertive about my boundaries. On her way out the house, she asked me "as a friend" if I could return some things tomorrow to the library.

During our short talk, I made a point to not talk about our relationship, but instead focus on making her understand that I need to be happy and her staying in the house and coming and going as she pleases to date other men is not something I can tolerate. I somehow think she now can understand it from my perspective.

[Teddy]

Hey Torch,

Nice response.

[smith18]

When I was doing the cub scout food collection on Saturday, I had some nice talks with some of the other fathers. At the end, I gave a ride to the Scoutmaster who I found was divorced. He told me that the first year of a divorce is bad because of politics, but it gets better. He seems like a great role model for me as he is so commited to working with the scouts and he says that even now he is not considering re-marriage. I think he and I really connected as our conversation could have gone on all day, but my kids were wanting to go.

Later, while I was sitting at the computer doing a little research about my upcoming trip to Mazatlan, W's best friend from Thailand, who lives in California, started IM with me asking me about Hawaii because she wants to go there for a 4 day vacation. Towards the end of our chat, she expressed to me that even though she is W's best friend, that she considers me a very good friend too and offered me any help. She repeated what we all know which is to "Let go, and if she is yours, she will come back to you". She says that I am an excellent father and husband. She so hopes and feels that this will all work itself out with time. I know that she talks to my W quite often, but she mostly listens and just acknowleges instead of voicing her opinion of what my W shoud do. Anyway, it is somewhat a good sign. W's 2 closest friends both feel she is making a mistake.

Today (Sunday), W came by and picked the kids up to go shopping and to S7's chinese language class. I had the whole afternoon all to myself! I did a boxing workout at home and went to work out at the YMCA without the stress that I have to hurry so as to get home to take care of the kids. I then got to go to my favorite man store (Home Depot) to get some things so as to help my S work on his Pinewood derby car. I feel refreshed.

Tonight, the kids, W and myself all went to a Chinese restauant. W had the discussion with the kids (mostly focused towards S7) about mommy and daddy's problem and that mommy wont be staying at home for some time. We told the kids it is nothing they have done wrong and that it is an adult matter between mommy and daddy that we are going to work on. I see it as a good sign that my W is acknowleging to the kids that she is willing to wait this out for a long time. She did ask S7 that he should feel free to come up with any ideas, at which time, he did by saying we should just get back together. I feel most confident about my situation.

[Just_Me]

Sounds good Kerry. Sounds like you have handled stuff pretty well.

maybe her friend may help her to see the light some in the coming months

Sometimes this has an unintended negative effect. The more people tell her to do something or that she is wrong, the more stubbornly she'll resist. The decision to work on the marriage is something she needs to arrive to on her own. Hopefully the friend isn't too vocal about her opinion.

[Pudmuddle]

Sounds like a lot of positive things Kerry.

I would be a bit cautious of confiding with the W's friend as she may 'slip' and tell W things that you didn't intend. I'm sure your aware of what you are sharing, but I have seen it backfire before. Friends mean well, and they always want to help, but sometimes it does interfere.

It's good to talk to your kids always about what is going on. They hide way more than they show sometimes. We found this out with my S. Once he got to a C, he broke down. My H felt the full impact of that one like a hammer to the head...he didn't realize at the time how selfish his actions were...or how it affected my S so deeply.

Good thoughts for you, I think you are doing well.

[smith18]

I told my W last night that her friend IM'd me about Hawaii which W and I both agreed that it was crazy of her to only go for 4 days. I think you need at least 2 weeks in Hawaii. Especially considering that this would be her honeymoon.

I was indeed very cautious in my responses to W's friend regarding her sincerity about our situation. I pretty much just thanked her for her concern and left it at that.