DR Chapter 2 - Start with a Beginner's Mind

[Jamesjohn]

How SURE are you about things that are going to happen?

How much do you rely on the past, and especially the present, to predict the future? Especially about the "negative" things?

How would you see the situation you're in from an outsider's point of view? What if you were a third-party looking at the events that are going on? How would you see things differently?

If there was no past history to taint your views of the possibilities of things that could happen in the future, what might things look like?

What if you were to "take off your blinders", and see things from a different perspective?

What would your answer be to the "miracle question"? Your answer to how things COULD be, instead of the way that they are?

If you were to start things over from scratch, with a clean slate, what would your relationship be like?

[Jamesjohn]

One thing that I've observed over the years here is that people often give brilliant suggestions when posting to other people's threads, but often have a difficult time in THEIR situations!

If you were to look at your own situation like you look at other's, if you were to take a "third-party's" point of view on your situation, what would you post to yourself? What advice would you give to you?

[3K451]

JJ, looking back, my biggest hurdle to overcome was that I always set myself up for failure. My STBX is going through a huge MLC, and I had a difficult time seeing him as going through a metamorphis. I expected him to do, think, be as the man I used to know. In other words, I expected positive reactions and thoughts from him whenever we needed to interact during this separation/divorce situation. For example, if I were to call him to say "kid needs school fees paid, split bill with me," I'd expect him to do as before... he'd say "ok, check forthcoming." Well... it took me a million times to get burned before deciding I'd better expect the worst out of him. So, now I just usually don't ask or even request.

Now, of course... many requests come through an attorney. And, he's still dishing out the worst.

But, I'd advise anyone to expect the worst so not to set themselves up for failure. On any interaction, just keep any requests, questions, statements simple and expect nothing in return.

[Jamesjohn]

For example, if I were to call him to say "kid needs school fees paid, split bill with me," I'd expect him to do as before... he'd say "ok, check forthcoming." Well... it took me a million times to get burned before deciding I'd better expect the worst out of him. So, now I just usually don't ask or even request.

I'm wondering if there might be a way to say sorta the same thing, but say it differently.

This may sound kinda petty, but for me, in certain situations, "need" is a trigger word for me to go into a defensive mode. Exerts lots of pressure.

Could there be another way for you to ask for what you want, and for what you need?

For example, maybe something like, "The kids have some school fees coming up, and I was wondering if you could split the bill with me?" Or any kind of way with a slightly different approach.

To be honest with you, bluekeys, I see that you NOT saying anything about it will lead to disaster, causing resentment and bad feelings on your part.

In his mind, he may be perfectly happy and willing to help with the kid money stuff, but feels forced into it. That pressure thing again.

Your ultimate goal might be to have him help with the bills, without it being such a fight. What different and creative steps can you take to help get there?

[rjd5974]

I can agree about giving solutions to others but not seeing what's right in front of you. In that regard, I've found it helpful to try and give advice to people on here because sometimes it causes a light bulb to go off in my head. The good karma of trying to help often comes right back.

[oxy2]

JJ,

I reread the beginner's mind section again trying to understand the concept better.

I'm guilty of assuming my potential soon to be WAW is stubborn and always has been so she will never change. But if I look at it from the outside i would tell myself to not bring up the R and treat her like I would want to be treated.

I can't change my wife I can only change myself and hope she reacts to my actions. It is extremely hard sometimes to do that but it is absolutely necessary. Believe me I want in the worst way to unload on my wife about what she will potentially be doing to our family if she becomes a WAW. That will get me nowhere in the long-run.

[Jamesjohn]

jcmroad -

But if I look at it from the outside i would tell myself to not bring up the R and treat her like I would want to be treated.

Yes, and no.

How YOU might want to be treated may be different from how SHE wants to be treated.

One person might want to be treated with "kid gloves", and may want to be treated in a subtle way.

Another person might want to hear it like it is, and be up front with things, in a not-so-subtle way.

The key in dealing with how to handle the situation is looking at what has worked in the past, and repeating that action. If what you're doing hasn't worked before, then try something different.

DO keep in mind that respect for another person is key here.

Believe me I want in the worst way to unload on my wife about what she will potentially be doing to our family if she becomes a WAW.

Have you ever "unloaded" on her before? Or even close to it? Does she know how you feel about the situation? Have you been passive about this situation, and others, in the past?

I'm not telling you to "unload", but to just take some time to really look at what you've done in the past. What has worked, and what hasn't worked.

What would your 180 be?

[Jamesjohn]

Up we go!!

[wbfnm]

I started off with a beginners mind but now I tend to see the reality and really feel it at times. I decided to take a break from the DB forum because at times the advice is not the way I see it and when a discussion forms around it I feel torn about what to do. I need to stay clos to me...

This past week I reread my sitchand just read so many positives it helped. I think part of my difficulty in seeing things from a beginners mind is that I am starting to feel a lot of resentment. At times I want him to hurt the way he hurt me and I know this is not the way to get what I want!!! I'm struggling to find a way to deal with the resentment.

I'd love to start with a beginners mind again but I'm not sure how to do this. I feel pressure because DH will be moving into an apprt in our house next month....

There is another issue I can not get over and causes me to spiral downwards. I have talked about it with a lot of people who know about this stuff but the longer I'm in this limbo the harder it gets to let go of this issue...
My fathers wife told me 15 years ago she went to see this very gifted clearvoyent and he said that the relationship I was in at that time would end and i would meet this spiritual great guy and stay with him for a long time (not sure but even said we would have a child) and we would break up aswell. I was shellshocked and devastated after she told me. At that time I had known her for a month and never asked her to ask about me and she never asked my permission to ask about me either. She really dropped the bomb. I did break off the other R. I always knew it was not serious enough... and now 12 years along the line with this great guy he leaves us.
I feel a lot of resentment towards my dad's wife. i never understood why she asked about me and would like to share such a negative future for me to me. This really gets me down. My therapist told me i never saw the clearvoyent myself and so many things can happen in the 15 years to alter the course I should let it go. But it keeps nagging me and bringing me down when i'm at a low point. My therapist tells me we are making a new future with DH and creating a new M. So there might be some truth to the breaking up part but the reconciliation part is still to come...Wow..i just came up with this...LOL Sometimes writing helps you get out of your thinking pattern...

[JAK58]

[/quote]
Have you ever "unloaded" on her before? Or even close to it? Does she know how you feel about the situation? Have you been passive about this situation, and others, in the past?

I'm not telling you to "unload", but to just take some time to really look at what you've done in the past. What has worked, and what hasn't worked.

What would your 180 be?
[quote]

My 180 would be to bring up the R talk in a healthy non-combative way.

My H wants to just brush everything under the rug. This is his way of fixing the R. The old me would just go along with it and not talk about what lead to the problem to be able to work on it. The new me however can't do that. I need to be able to talk about the EA to help me heal. I need to to some extent. not details, but if he knows what lead to it. So far he has said nothing. He does show me in differant ways though that he is trying. It is just not enough for me anymore.I think if this does not happen I may become a WAW myself because I will not live in a uncommunicative M any longer.

I am just waiting for a good time for R talk as H is in MLC,(although i think he is thru the tunnel) and i am making sure that he won't go back into the tunnel by confronting the sitch.

It's hard to GAL act as if and try to piece. Ime' an independent person but when you are spending more time together it is easy to fall back into the need thing. Does anyone know what im'e saying here.

jak