Each Day is New...

[JennyF]

I'm praying daily (maybe a few times a day) for a friendship stage!!!

I hear you on the custody. My H wants 50/50 custody of the kids but why should I lose my kids 1/2 the time when HE made these choices???

Do what is best for the dogs...I would imagine an apartment isn't all that great for them.
J~

[bhopeful]

I'm in a strange place right now. When W didn't contact me much for a month, it became real easy to not have any expectations and live my own life. Now she bounces in and out of my life whenever she feels like it and it's hard not to expect certain things from her.

I'm still GALing and I'm not just sitting around waiting for her to call, but I really thought that she would though last night. I wasn't too crushed when she didn't. I tried to look at it as a learning experience in what not to expect.

So, today I have no expectations of her and she starts IMing me. Said that she just wanted to say hi. Nothing of importance was said, but it was good to hear from her... Back to no expectations...

Peace, B

[Wooglint]

How long did it take you to get to that point? Any words of wisdom on how to be able to make that work or is it more just a passage of time?

[bhopeful]

She pretty much cut herself off from me for a month. I didn't try to make first contact at all and she would typically call me once a week (Sunday night) for 10 minutes. In hindsight, I maybe should have called her once or twice just for a friendly hello. I say this because I had to have couple conversations with her to get her to believe that I still cared about her once she started talking to me regularly again.

I think that time was biggest factor in helping get to this point. But I also used the time as constructively as I could. I got myself to a pretty good place in that month. Getting a Positive Life and creating a Positive Attitude towards your life can go a very long ways towards getting you through this. You have to learn to be happy with yourself. A lot of this sounds cliche until you actually start living it. You will feel better about yourself and your spouse will see it too. I often wondered how my wife was going to see all of the ways that my life had changed if I only talked to her once a week. Somehow she did though.

If you read through my threads you might be able to get a better idea of what I've been through and what I've been doing. It's hard to sum it all up in a single post. I really do think that the principles set forth in DR work. Stick to them and you'll come out the other side of this ok no matter the outcome.

[Wooglint]

Thank you. I'm working on it and I agree that I'll be better for this one way or another.

[JennyF]

I'm in a strange place right now. When W didn't contact me much for a month, it became real easy to not have any expectations and live my own life. Now she bounces in and out of my life whenever she feels like it and it's hard not to expect certain things from her.

B...it's so funny that you bring this up. My H was a complete a$$ for the last month...angry and cold for no reason. So the last couple weeks detaching has become easier and I even found myself wanting to pull away. Then in the last 5 days he starts acting all nice and I'm reading into it all again!! Wondering if this is his turn around. BUT...now I know what I didn't a month ago and that is DB'ing as well as my new found support system on these boards.

Someone told me on my thread that our job as great DBers is consistency. They will go up and down riding the rollercoaster and we have to maintain ourselves to be effective.

Keep doing what you're doing!!
J~

[bhopeful]

That's why detaching is important. For our own sanity, we can't let ourselves ride their rollercoaster. Consistency in our actions is very important.

Case in point. My wife just called me this morning because she said that she was having a bad day. I told her that I was glad she called and that she could call me anytime she wanted. Then she started asking about what I was doing tonight and if I wanted to get together. The old, not detached me would have jumped all over the opportunity. The new me however has a yoga class tonight. I offered her to come along if she liked and told her what nights I have free otherwise. She said that she couldn't come to the class since she didn't have any workout clothes with her. She also said that she would think about getting together another night. I don't have any expectations about getting together, but we'll see.

So, you can see that she came to me when she was down and I was willing to listen and validate. However I wasn't willing to compromise my GAL activities just because she called. I did offer alternatives, so that I wasn't shutting her out completely.

I think that I handled the situation well. What do you all think?

Thanks,
B

[JennyF]

I think you handled it PERFECTLY! Good for you. How does it feel?

My H is not reaching out and talking to me on a personal level at all. It's like we've become aquaintances....like all our history is suddenly vanished. It's really weird...and hard.

I want to ask him how he's doing, but I know I can't make this first move so I'm waiting. Hopefully his mood change is a step closer to this.

Way to go B...you rock!
J~

[john210]

bh,
That is awesome. You did extremely well in my opinion. I would have never been able to refuse her offer. Hell if I had tickets to the hockey game tonight and WAW asked me to join her, I would do it in a flash. I guess I am not detached....yet. i am not consistent and I ride that rollercoaster almost everyday to the point of nausea. i have to read the section on detaching again because I am not there.

[wawpioneer]

I think that I am pretty much in the same sitch right now. WAW is pretty much content with little contact. It is like all of our history never really meant much and she is not wanting to bring it up. It seems logical that consistency would be important. I am just hoping that she will make the first move. Then I know it would be because she wants to.