Love, PAIN and the Whole Crazy Thing

[mcol]

Good morning all...this is my first post. Those of you who are Keith Urban fans will recognize my title which pays some service to my current situation. Here is the my sich:
M:34
W:33
S:8
D:3
S:18mos

I am an Army officer currently serving in Afghanistan. Two months prior to deploying my wife lost her father in a tragic truck accident. If I have read Michelle's book right (I owe myself a second read), she meets the following criteria: Depressed, WAW, EA possible PA but unconfirmed.

Things had been going great up until about a month ago. I have submitted my resignation paperwork, after much pleading (problem #1)from W. I have enjoyed my time in the service but the Army I joined is not the Army of today and my family is seriously at risk. The Army used to make fun of families saying, "If the Army wanted you to have a family they would have issued you one", our leaders pay lip service to the family but mission comes first and our missions completely leave families in the cold because we have to leave. My wife sent me a letter of concern (not dear jon because she is still around) basically saying that I needed to make my decision taking into consideration that she may not be in my life. WTF?? No idea things had gotten this way. Turns out that she has been talking to many new friends she met online and they all encouraged her not to say how she was feeling. The only reason why she told me was that I submitted my paperwork partially for her, and she wanted me to be sure of my motives.

Needless to say I was severely irate, blindsided and all the other appropriate emotions you can imagine. I had come home for my midtour about 4 weeks prior to the letter and while I noticed a difference in her actions/attitude I attributed this to the grief over her loss.

Skip forward 4 weeks from the letter and I have returned to the US to attend some conferences. I did not know about the EA/possible PA until now. Ha ha...blindsided yet again. She has told everyone that she does not want us discussing her when she is not around. I tried to respect this until my SIL was able to tell me all about Divorce Remedy and what my W was doing.

My biggest problem is that this OM jackass has moved in to fill the emotional void I could not fill due to my deployment. Sadly, I will not return for good for another 3 months, I am scared that a PA will be solidified in my absence (projecting yes but how can't I) and things will be further toward D for her.

My S,D,S are also suffering immensely. My W anger over her losing her father and me has caused to not want to be "a wife, a mother". Thankfully my MIL, SIL and BIL are all scratching their heads like me.

My W is not out of reach. She and I have had time to be alone while I have been around, however, she has this dead look in her eyes as though she has given up.

I am against a wall due to this damn deployment and am trying not to grasp. I thank God for my SIL who succesfully employed the techniques after her H had a PA. They have come through their situation and I pray for the same resolution.

Reading online helps to know that I am not alone, however, I wake up in the middle of the night almost physically ill because of the sich. This sucks!! I want more than anything to hold her and be there for her because she needs me but I know that I cannot give her that right now. Kids are my #1 priority right now and I am getting lots of support from both families since I am gone. When I get out, I will move to where my kids and wife are to be close to them and be very much involved in my kids lives, just wish I did not have to rekindle my marriage while trying to make up for being gone.

Whew!!! That was the second time I typed this. The first time I felt too immature to post. Now having read Michelle's book I feel more able to express what is going on and able to interact with all advice...please help.

Mcol

[Hurtin4certain]

Mcol.. first I would like to thank you for your service our country. Without folks like you, the US wouldnt be the Land of the Free.

I would focus on making each interaction with your W a positive one. Obviously you cant be there in person so you will have to make each phone call, each email, each text message as positive as possible.

Continue to be upbeat when you do have the chance to speak to her. She is obviously depressed and is confused as to how to get over her pain. Be her rock, her confidant.

Sorry I couldnt be of more help.

[RedHeadWife]

I just wanted to say that I can feel a bit of what you are feeling. My H is in the AF and is actually in Korea for his year. We have 3 little boys and I'm here w/ them by myself.

Anyway, my sitch was my H dropped the bomb prior to his leaving. We were only "ok" for about a month before he left.

I honestly think the only thing you can do is be completely positive when you do talk to her at all. I also may suggest writing HER a letter telling her how much you love her (not begging), but get it all out there -- how you feel about her, that you want to work your M out, etc. Obviously, don't let it be a pleading letter, but just a letter so she knows where you stand on everything. I know it sucks you are kind of in limbo for the time being and can't even attempt to "work" on things or DB in person.

As for the A, what's going to happen is going to happen. Hopefully once you get home, things will change and, once you start DB'ing, she'll figure out the A was just b/c she was lonely or something along those lines (not that that excuses it). My H actually cheated on me numerous times while he was deployed.

Also, you have the relatives in your court and hopefully they will have some influence on her as well.

[mcol]

You know what is funny is that I draw strength from others but every time I talk to W I feel the energy being sucked out of me and start to slip into that worrisome abyss again. Being new to the DB game I am sure I will adjust. Thanks for the response.

[RedHeadWife]

My H never moved out, as he wanted to be w/ the boys until he left for his deployment. I would be very strong once he left the house in the a.m. and then @ work b/c I could just get so pi$$ed off at him for what he was doing. However, then when I would leave work each afternoon, I would literally get sick to my stomach, b/c I never knew what to expect when I got home and also knew I had to act "as if" I was totally fine w/ all of this all evening w/ him there at home. It sucks, I know!

Let me say this, BE THE MAN SHE WILL WANT TO STAY WITH. Be the man that she would not want to leave. That would include being very strong, confident, in control.

Try to figure out where things went wrong and what you may have been doing/not doing that was not good for the M. I did a lot of soul searching and changed a lot of things. I think H finally realized my changes were for real. I stood by him the whole time. I never got angry and yelled & screamed which was probably a 180 for me

[mcol]

Try to figure out where things went wrong and what you may have been doing/not doing that was not good for the M. I did a lot of soul searching and changed a lot of things. [/quote]

This has been one of the hardest parts because I know there are things that I have done wrong. One of my more notorious no see-ums is always telling her I would be home by a certain time and then busting that. I was always still working or on my way home. She got calloused and just kept saying whatever, we'll see you when you get here. I would try to call enroute but I think by then it was just one of those things.

Soul searching is painful but certainly a must. More than anything I hope you are right, that by me coming home from deployment things will get better, I will still be partially dislocated from them, she has moved home and will stay there. That is where I am moving too once I am out, job is still up in the air and really too early to find.

[RedHeadWife]

Well, I truly hope your getting out is what YOU want too. I would hope that you don't do it just b/c you think that may make her happy and end up resenting her for it whether you end up working out your M or not. (By the way, my H is enlisted, I was actually in for awhile, but my dad was an officer, so I've seen it all from all different perspectives)

One thing you will have to do FOR YOU is accept your shortcomings (and I'm sure you had more than the not getting home on time) and FORGIVE YOURSELF. You cannot live having regrets about the things that you could have or should have done differently. You need to do that immediately and get on w/ the rest of the *stuff* you will have to deal with. You can't change the past, but you can make changes for the future.

[FA]

Hey MC...I am active air force....my sitch....got D'd a little over a year ago....I was married for 15+ years. I have a S16 and D14...I know that "Military didn't issue...." line also.

From what I've read of your sitch....yeah it blows goats that's for sre. The best thing you can do right now....or when you are back home (I am deployed right now and won't be back till Jan) is be the better catch....time to make up for lost ground...new wardrobe...cologne (go online and figure out what is the newest smell that women like), look for clothes...no matter how much you say "I would never wear that..." Guess what? Try it....you may like the new you....and I know about the hair thing so i won't even go there. The thing is, there is a lot you can do to be the better of the two. The first thing though is....you have to start with you. It doesn't happen overnight and she WILL notice. Women notice EVERYTHING!!!! So...game plan? Write down what you wear...look up online when you can...what is new out there and start thinking new stuff....you nee to get out of the rut of what YOU like.....because change is always good.....if for the right reason. Next....don't go with all the "nice" stuff you did in the past....this is old news to her......time to be creative. Look online....there is a sh!tload of ideas out there that cost little info anything to get the message across. And finally, deployments suck! Plain and simple....the spouses will NEVER understand....BUT I do know one thing...I tell my guys this all the time.....DO NOT piss and complain about how bad it is over where you are....I don't have to tell you that...I am positive you know this....but they are under a HUGE amount of strees when we are gone. The VERY best thing to do is just talk and listen about how THEY are doing....piss on us. They can't do a damn thing for us. It makes them WANT to disconnect with us because of all the complaining.

Last thing....I'm watching your scoop....I'm here...you have questions??? I've been there and done that....fire away because I have 28 days till I am out of this sh!thole!

TSgt
USAF
15+ years

[mcol]

FA and all,

Quick update...I have had some time to spend in the US over the last two weeks. Specifically the weekends I have in the same area as W and S,D,S. I am so thankful to get the time but I go through peaks and valleys while here. When I see W, she hugs me (I hug back) when she arrives and when she leaves...baby steps?? However, then I hear that she has seen an attorney and all the other stuff in talking to IL. Confusing as hell. I just don't want to get served overseas, I do not honestly believe that I could feel any worse than I felt when I got her original letter of concern but then again I am not looking for an opportunity to outdo that feeling.

FA..thanks a million...great advice. I was in DC and my brother, who is very trendy, helped me shop. I felt like an idiot, 12 years in the military gives you a sweet set of blinders. What do you mean cardigans are not in style anymore??? Ha ha! As I wrestled with no sleep last night (an all too frequent occurence lately) I started thinking about my 180 and FA I will definetly be looking to spice up my warddrobe...Lord knows that the W has and she looks good.

I think we are going to get together tonight, my main goals is to not talk about R, military or kids....this should be interesting....anyone know any good conversation lines?? LOL.

More to follow tomorrow, although I feel it will more of the same.

FA stay safe over there...wish I could trade my three months for your 25 days...thanks for what you are doing over there.

[RedHeadWife]

In my and other military wive's defense, some of us do understand. That's why I haven't bitched & moaned the entire time H has been deployed, even though I am here, working full-time and taking care of everything, including our 3 boys under the age of 7.

AND I haven't brought up our sitch AT ALL -- H was trying to D me about a year ago and we were "ok" for about a month before he left. He cheated, etc., etc., and I have not brought that up time & again either. I have been nothing but supportive of him.