Plank removed from eye, too late for WAW? 9

[Gone Dancin']

I know you don't have any intention of telling her, Heim. I can see you getting better about things like this. I guess I just thought it was a good idea to look at your potential motivations for desiring to do so, and whether or not those motivations were healthy, positive, helpful in meeting your goals, etc. Just giving you something to have an inner dialogue with if you already hadn't .

And it is good that you're posting those honest emotions, whether they are good or not. I know that after my X sent that subtle extortionesque email to my atty several weeks ago, my emotions weren't the best either. Now that the D is behind me, I feel much more comfortable keeping the changes going with the X, because I don't feel like it comes across as an attempt to win her back and stop the D. It feels like it is genuine now for her, and confirmation that these changes are permanent and for real.

Take care during the holiday season, my friend. Your on a positive path right now, so do your best not to stray. Always remember that your W knows your heart, so there is no need to remind her.

GD

[Atlas]

Heim,

I hear ya about those ornaments. Just killed my PMA for the whole day. I did hang up one that is our first X-mas together, I don't think she noticed and honestly don't care, it was for me and not her.

Those things are happening on her end also, she just chooses to ignore them because it doesn't reinforce her decision. Just like the geology law of uniformity, is that it? If it's happen over here, it's happen over there, except replace space with time.

[Heimlich]

Just giving you something to have an inner dialogue with if you already hadn't

Another bonus of having Chicory, now, when I mutter outloud to myself, I can at least pretend I'm talking to the cat.

Thanks, guys. I know that she's almost certainly seeing the girls missing being a family. I think I'm just hypersensitive to it because I'm the one that moved. Our first Christmas together after we were married, we made a star out of foil (really couldn't afford a regular topper). I think she still kept it rather than throwing it out even though it's not on the tree this year.

Just another quick journally thingy: When I spoke with my W on Saturday, I mentioned that there are a few more items I'm ready to take and that I'd like to get them before she leaves next week. Said you know how I work, takes me a while to figure out how I want to decorate, but once I do, I move quickly and I'm ready to finish feathering my nest. She seemed kindof taken aback, so I just let it drop. Funny how the mind works, I know that it's just a scheduling thing for her. She's got a list of things she wants to get done and she gets nervous before travelling (funny, because last year, I sat down with her and made a to-do checklist for doing things day by day about a week out from when we were to drive down. She said it made travel last year almost stress free because she had a handle on it. Looking back, that was a 180 for me at the time, something I did a few other times between that Dec and April as well. And she says I can't change. Silly girl.). Instead, I started thinking, "Hmmmm, maybe she's starting to reconsider and that she doesn't want me taking all of that stuff because she's wants me to come back home." I quickly got a handle on that flight of fancy, but it's amazing how, even now, it's easy to let yourself interpret a non-comment in such a way.

BD

[PhD_ChrisD]

Heya Heim,

Just keep on keeping on, my friend. Hang loose with the W, and try to just take things on face value. Reading subtle meaning into her words or actions can really make you nuts! I think my problem is somewhat the opposite: I am quite the literalist. When W asks if this dress make her look fat, I will tell her the truth. Somehow I am supposed to interpret her question as a metaphor for the confines and trappings of an 8-year marriage.
Who am I, Kreskin?
Probably doesn't help when I tell her it is her body that makes her look fat, not the dress.
Some people have no appreciation for the truth.

This time of year is a tough time emotionally. Given what we have all endured, this is probably one of the toughest years of our lives. I think recognizing how challenging times are goes a long way in helping to deal with life. All of us have to harden up and be strong in order to get through. I am willing to lay odds that you are going to feel 100s of times better in 2008. The trick is to take it easy, take it a day at a time, and try not to let the little things (ornaments, W's attitude, etc.) get to you. Keep with the PMA, buddy! And I hope that one day your W asks you if a dress makes her look fat.....

Best,
---Chris

[Heimlich]

LOL. Thanks, Chris.

It'd actually be easier if she were one of the crazy aliens. Instead, she's just herself.

Looking forward to 2008. It'll be the best year of the rest of my life. As will each successive year going forward.

BD

[PhD_ChrisD]

Heya Heim,

That's the PMA I have grown to expect from my favorite butterfly! 2008 will rock for you.

The amazing Kreskin sees a boat, sports car, or a Harley in the future...


Best,
--Chris

[IAChild]

Heim,

You're doing a great job navigating a very tough situation. Holidays are always difficult, especially the "first holiday" after a bomb, move, etc.

You're getting great advice here. All I would add is that sometimes you just have to treat a thing as a thing, a day as just a day. For example, when I had to move out (I couldn't afford to keep the place H2B and I were renting together, so I moved), I had to move most of my belongings into storage. I moved in with two F room mates, and there just wasn't room for all of my furniture and stuff. At first it really broke me up -- seeing my "life" all boxed up and covered up in a storage unit. But I learned to tell myself that "it is just stuff". It's an "act as if" process, and in the end it really worked. I got to a place where it didn't bother me at all, and I actually grew to appreciate a less cluttered way of living. After H2B and I started talking again, he asked to borrow some of my "stuff". I asked him to meet me at the storage unit. When I opened the door and he saw all of my "stuff", it really hit him hard. At first he just stood there and stared at everything, and then, in a voice with a bit of a quiver he said, "Wow, this must have been really hard for you...putting all your stuff into storage." My response? I just shrugged my shoulders and said, "Eh, it's just stuff." Then I squatted back down to lock the door and gave him a bit of a thong shot, if you know what I mean! That drove him crazy! Crazy in a good way, if you know what I mean...gave him a little reminder of what he was no longer getting!

You know, he still talks about that...hee hee hee! I love being a girl!

Anyway, my point is that the holiday is just a day. You have to go to some effort for your kids, but for you, just keep it low key and remember that it's just a doggone day, just like any other doggone day!

Keep up the good work!
M

[Heimlich]

Christ, IA, a thong shot. You're killing me! Go to my happy place, go to me happy place. CVA, turn the hose on me!

All makes sense, folks. Though, to be honest, Chris, I'm more likely to buy toy soldiers than a Harley or sports car.

W forwarded an email from my mom yesterday regarding Christmas, what she had bought for the girls -- I need to do some shopping this week. Anyway, W's original email to my Mom was an apology for not having spoken with her until a few weeks ago -- that she had always felt close and was sorry for treating my mom that way. My mom emailed back with a thanks and they both signed off with "love you." (W and mom have always been close, so that was good to see.)

Got a wee bit of a shock. Was washing dishes and talking to the girls while they had their snack, telling them about the schedule for this week and asking if they're ready to go see Nana. I said something like, "You're going to have fun with Nana and the two of you." Lauren says, "The three of us? Mama said she's staying as well." I was a wee bit stunned. I've never pumped them for information, but I was like, "Are you sure?" "Uh, huh" "Mama is staying at Nana's?" "Yes, she said she might, but isn't sure." Obviously, hear say, but stunned that my W would even entertain the possibility.

GAL note, signed up for the Cherry Blossom 10 miler in April. I need the structure of something to train for to keep running. Since you have to run the course in under 2 and one half hours or be asked to leave, embarrassment also a great motivator (when training for the Marine Corps Marathon, I did a half in 2 hours, so shouldn't be a problem).

BD

[S.T. _I Made It!]

just stoppin to see how you were. had to catch up a bit.

and I totally understand what you want W to feel about the kids. She might see some, but really, she's very much focussed on how SHE feels right now. So, even if she did see them or hear them, I'm not sure how much it would really register. But believe me, someday she WILL register it.

glad to hear your backing off a bit, and that she's telling you a bit more. baby steps are still good, when they're going in a good direction.

[PhD_ChrisD]

Heya Heim,

I wouldn't get your expectations or hopes up too much here. Even if your W stays with Nana and the girls, it could be for economic reasons only. It sounds like she is just focued on herself, doing what feels good, whatever she wants and not the right things. I hope she doesn't wreck your childrens' expectations of her staying with them. That would be really sad (but not suprising).

Good to hear about the GAL stuff. Keep on running and doing good for yourself!

Best,
--Chris