Ok, maybe I didn't *get* your question b/c it's too early in the a.m., but I don't quite know what you are asking about the physical side of the R. How about trying to re-word that for me?
I honestly know how much it sucks being away -- for quite awhile there, I thought we would either be going through a D while H was deployed or I was going to just have to suck it up & *stand* until he got home and I was hoping that he would have figured out what he was missing by being gone. Luckily, it didn't work out that way, however, him being gone has given him a pretty good perspective of what he was *trying* to throw away last year.
I think you need to just keep up the PMA, as hokey as that sounds. You need to realize that, besides being upbeat when you get the chance to talk to her on the phone, etc., there really isn't a lot you are going to be able to accomplish until you get home. Also, when you do get home, that is going to be a stressful time and your sitch just adds to it.
Just keep working on you -- I honestly think the best thing for you to do is, when you do talk to her or email her or whatever, just act "as if" nothing is going on as far as her wanting a D. Just act like everything is fine. OR you could, as soon as you get back to "the Stan" send her that email telling her how much you love her and want to work things out when you get home and then go from there.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Heh. Good to know you're makin' it safely across the world.
I'm inclined to agree with RedHeadWife's words of wisdom -- just try your best to "act as if" everything's moving along smoothly ... or at least that you're not afraid of getting served.
I would not, however, send your W a love letter. You are obviously a very loving person. Well, we see that as loving. She, on the other hand, sees it as smothering right now. A letter from you is nothing more than a reminder of exactly what she's trying to escape. It's the last thing, IMHO, you need to do.
As far as the physical question, I think that's mostly your mind playin' tricks on you right now. I can't per se speak to it because when my H left, I was preggo, and the hormones were kickin' anyway. Sooooo, it'd prolly be smart if I left that question alone.
Touch base when you can. I sure hope you're able to access the site from the Stan...
...actually, strike the whole "you-need-to-do" stuff; I shouldn't be giving advice ... only suggestions. I shoulda said, "If it were me, I would not send her a letter."
Greetings from Kuwait!!! Now if I can just post from The Stan then things will be rocking. I honestly gave up sleep (thank you jet lag) to get here and check the responses out.
Redhead...for more clarification/I think Flygirl has it right. I have been dwelling on the physical (sexual) side of my R way more than usual. I think that this is my mind trying to grasp any part of my M that I thought was good prior to the letter.
Being back this way I am starting experience the peaks and valleys again. This site truly is a blessing as it helps me to stay sane and not grasp when that is all I want to do. I just want to be able to hold her ya'll. A good melting embrace to be more specific. As if this would change things....NOT!!
Most of the doubts I have about us are a mix of what next for my professional life as well as my personal life. I realize that I am going to be in the same geographic area as my W and hope that she and I are sharing the same house. I would be lying if I said part of me has not thought about how in the world I will start dating again if the big D happens. However, my PMA or traces of it squash those thoughts pretty quickly.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen 2008 will be a very interesting year for me and my family. Without a doubt some of the cheeseless tunnels will be removed (military, uniform etc) but certainly others will be gained or possibly maintained (commuting, slaving for the man etc).
I must admit that I am so squeamish to drop contact. I just had a nightmare about an empty house (no furniture), no car and the like. I would never think my W would do that, but I have been surprised by a lot of things over the last two months.
Oh joy of my days...accountability formations at 0630 and 2030...the pain machine is back.
Thanks for being there everyone. I should have time for more posting later but for now...I am off to be told..."hurry up and wait" is that a parallel for my sitch or what?
mcol Me: 34 Deployed W:32 (EA started Oct 07) S:8 D:3 S:18 mos ILYBNILWY-12/14/07 Request for backdated separation 12/14/07 Top areas to work: 1) Communication 2) Repairing me, focusing on me
Yoyo, I will only be here for a couple of days while I wait for a flight to Afghanistan. That is where the hurry up and wait happens. We have to rush around like headless chickens only to be told to come back in 12 hours. It is very frustrating because you are in total limbo and the air force is controlling your future.
Husband. Will send as soon as I get back to my computer at work.
I am preaching to the choir when I say that this whole thing sucks and I wish more than anything I could see the future. But I am reminded of something one of my old pastors used to say...God will only give you enough light for the next step. Once you have used the light he has given you then you will get just enough for the next step. Everyone keep your heads up as we are all inspiration to each other for the next step. Many times the path is not lit until we actually move our foot.
mcol Me: 34 Deployed W:32 (EA started Oct 07) S:8 D:3 S:18 mos ILYBNILWY-12/14/07 Request for backdated separation 12/14/07 Top areas to work: 1) Communication 2) Repairing me, focusing on me
I forgot to add a couple of things about my sitch:
1) W has an addictive personality that is a family trait. Her dad was tied to online poker (thankfully it was play money). She has alchoholism that runs through her family (thankfully she does not drink) and basically anything that she wants to get involved in she does it non-stop and is almost obsessive about. She turned to her online chat room after she graduated from school and a major void was left. I was gone and she got bored. This is how she met a whole bunch of new friends to include suspected OM.
2) When she got her job, she established her own bank account and I had been having a big duh because I did not understand how she had these new screen names until....***DUH*** I realized that she has started her own AOL account. I know I am snooping but I guess when the sh*t hits the fan and you grasp you look for anything to hold on to.
3) I am scared to not talk to her...even though I am smothering. She does not know that I know about OM and I am afraid that she will feel as though I do not want anything to do with her and this will push her more toward filing. Common DB logic is that she was going to do this anyway no matter what I do but even more so if I smother her. I guess I am just scared that my physical absence landed her in the EA/PA?? she is in now. What will no contact do? Can it get worse??
4) Why does she get to do this to me? I should not have to deal with this sh*t while I am overseas and powerless to knock the OM out for going after my woman.
5) Have I mentioned that my W was involved in a PA with a married man before I met her? Married man's wife called her to confront and she told her that if the W could have kept her man satisfied then she would never have met him...prophetic? It was shortly after that she broke up with the guy. As I understand it the married man and his wife are still together...wonder if she was DB?
mcol Me: 34 Deployed W:32 (EA started Oct 07) S:8 D:3 S:18 mos ILYBNILWY-12/14/07 Request for backdated separation 12/14/07 Top areas to work: 1) Communication 2) Repairing me, focusing on me
Whaddup, dawg?!? Kuwait, eh? Hmmm. Sounds like a blast.
1.) Your W's addictive personality, combined with an online chatroom, added to your physical absence, is of course a potentially explosive sitch. No doubt about it. But your physical absence is *not* the cause of this madness. It may have provided the window of opportunity, but it wasn't the cause. The cause, I'd bet, is her insecurity. You've always been around to fill a void. In short, you were her "escape" mechanism. *You* and your children were her "addicition." When you left, in addition to grieving the death of her father -- and obviously not very well -- she needed someone/a group of people to fill the void. Not only did she land that, she "accidentally" picked up a guy that likes her ... *really* likes her, apparently. And that's fulfilling her insecurity problems...
It's a vicious cycle that didn't begin with you ... and won't end with you. She has to figure that out herself.
2.) Interesting. Her own AOL account, huh? The only thing that makes sense is that she's wanting to keep her online activities a secret from you. Whether you continue to "snoop" or not is up to you. It can indeed give you some great "ammunition," but the problem is -- and you can well relate to this -- the only time you need ammunition is when you're trying to kill or hurt something. Ponder that for a minute.
The better question re: snooping is: What is it doing to *you*? If you can handle it, fine. But if it's tearing you apart -- and if you're doing it merely for your "self-satisfaction" and not to gather information with which to confront your W -- then you may want to think twice about snooping.
I snooped on my H, so don't think that I'm above it. But I remember how badly the truth hurt. Sometimes it's needed. But once you've attained what you need, really think about the point of it.
3.) Rule of thumb in a sitch such as yours is this: Figure out what you *want* to do and say. Then do the opposite. Your knowledge of the circumstances -- or her knowledge of your knowledge, if that makes sense -- will not make or break the circumstances. *She* will do that. What you can do in the meantime is deal with this yourself -- work on you -- and you're doing that. Additionally, you can understand that anything you do or say to your W, as it relates to your M, *is* going to cause a reaction from her. What kind of reaction do you want? Tailor your actions and conversations with her accordingly. No contact with your W, contrary to how you're feeling, is *not* going to make the sitch worse.
You're so right: It's all "hurry up and wait." But the waiting part for you is the "space" part for her. It's giving her the opportunity to find out if the grass is truly greener on the other side. And it's the time when all the lovey-dovey hormones that she has developed for her online friends/OM will slowly die away. The more space you give her, the quicker her fantasy life will resolve itself, because no one keeps those butterflies forever, my friend. They "died" in your M when your infatuation with one another died and love took over. And they'll die in this relationship, too. And I, for one, do not believe that love will take over.
She's been married to you for 8 years. You're no longer per se filling her need for an addiction. You and the children are just "there," having become more of a habit than an addiction, and your family life has kept her too busy to need something to be addicted to. But now that you're not around, she's missing the feeling that she gets being addicted to something. That's why she's looking elsewhere. My hope is that she can break her addiction. And I think she will ... in time. Grant her that.
Contrary to the feelings she has developed for you, and the family you two have created over 8 years, OM is *definitely* and *totally* an escape for her. There are no responsibilities. He makes her forget about the pain of her father dying because her father didn't know him ... (and, I'd bet wouldn't have *wanted* to). When she looks at him, she doesn't see her children or her past or the "shackles" of family life and responsibility. She sees fresh and new. An escape.
4.) It's not fair. Plain and simple. You should not have to deal with this, period. Much less while you're overseas.
5.) I don't think it's a matter of you not keeping her satisfied. I think she's got some serious issues going on that have absolutely nothing to do with you. She's working through them, albeit in a very unhealthy way. And that leaves you in a position to work on *you* as much as possible. If/When the two of you are back together, I know from experience, your relationship will be all the better for it.
Keep your chin up. It was good to awake to an update from you today...
