Love, PAIN and the Whole Crazy Thing

[mcol]

{In my and other military wive's defense, some of us do understand. }
Redhead,
I would say that about 10% have situations in there marriage where something unfortunate happens. These deployments are not easy for anyone involved. My heart goes out to anyone who is experiencing difficulties. I just know that while things were not paradise with us, my perception was that the issue was not so bad. My frustration comes from those who tell family members not to tell their spouses what is going on back home. We worry anyway about our families. At least if the spouse is being keeping their service member informed, bombs like mine may not happen.

Who knows, I just know that I am done making my family pay the price for my decisions in the Army.

Hope you all are doing ok.

[FlyGirl]

Yo, mcol. I'm not in the military, as you know, so perhaps I don't have the "benefit" of experience behind me when I write. But I think we need to gain a little focus here.

As tough as this deployment has been on your W and your children, and as tough as it is on you, and on *every* military family who has had to face it, it gives absolutely *no* justification for a W to walk away from you ... and *certainly* not to have an A. Also, I will add: If *you* and your career were the problem, why is it just *now* that she's wanting to leave? Is it irony that she's met OM? No, indeed. The deployment was a catalyst to get her into Internet chat rooms. But the *real* problems in your M, I'd be willing to bet, didn't begin until she had commenced this relationship. True?

To that end, we cannot blame solely the military, or use it as a crutch or an excuse or even really a reason that your M is falling apart. *Many* Ms, as you've already explained, make it through deployment with no apparent problems.

A couple questions you may want to address for those of us on the boards (I'm a returning member here ... got back together with my H two years ago, and things have been beautiful since...): I don't think I've seen it addressed how long you and your W have been married. And if you were in the military *before* or *after* she met you. Can you elaborate on that a tad?

And now that *you* have taken responsibility for your role in this sitch, what responsibility belongs to *her*? And, now that you've read DR and can apply some of the principles, what are some of the specific steps you're taking to save your M? How has each "step" panned out so far?

Thinking of you ... and *really* wish you weren't here ...

[mcol]

Hi Flygirl and all
Great questions...W and I have been married for 8 years. I was in the military for 5 years before I met her so I had time to adjust to the culture of the service. Her indoctrination was leave your family, life and hometown to follow me first to Missouri then to Germany for three years. Thankfully, the last four years we have been in NC but we have still be over two hours away. Her family all seems to not know how to handle W and how she has changed since her dad died. It is pretty tragic actually and a lot of counseling is required.

Just to give you all a quick update. We had dinner last night and while I did not talk about R, I did talk about the kids, briefly, family and some parts of my job. However, as the evening went on it was clear that she was kind of going through the motions. She was tired from 12 hours at work with little or no activity. She has started having some physical issues which are only exasperated by everything going on in our lives.

I am so thankful to be close to her family. While I have visited I am staying with M-I-L which has been a blessing. I am trying to stay upbeat and have to continually tell myself that I should not change who I am just because my emotional pain factor peaks each time I see her. I want to run to her and hold her, telling her it will be ok but I know she will not reciprocate thus making things that much harder.

With my ultimate resignation and move when I get home this will be the hardest move yet. The safety net will be gone and everything will be new. Not sure if she will move in with me when I get my house, although, I am planning for it. Not sure what kind of financial changes will be required in order to cover all requirements. I am hoping to find a house that is relatively close to in laws in order to have a social network until I start making some friends.

AAAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!! I feel like I am previewing the next year of my life and I see problems yet have no power to change the things that are jacked up. Oh well, new wardrobe, some new smell goods and a new social network may provide the needed increase and change that I will need to continue moving forward through this thing.

[mcol]

Oh yeah,

I forgot, we spent most of the morning together, took S,D,S to the playground which was sort of cool but she ended up sitting on the park bench messing around with her blackberry, which means likely emailing or calling someone???

I am still determining what extent this EA manifested as W has always had male friends although she has not used them instead of me to get through tough times in her life.

I resist daily knowing what she is doing online when I could likely find her group and tap in but that would require some serious snooping. I go from wondering if this guy is like her other male friend whom I am actually good friends with. I suppose it would be different if I knew this jackass as opposed to finding out from others that she watched a movie with him a couple of weeks ago and has been sacrificing time with S,D,S to spend time with him??!!?? That is BS.

Her anger showed a little today with S-8 and my two nieces. Although their nagging and bickering can make a sane person upset, W had a flare up and quickly got stuff back in check.

Hope all is well and everyone is having a good weekend. I head back overseas tomorrow so my posts may be labored until I get my stuff setup in Afghanistan.

[Dr LOve]

Hope all is well and everyone is having a good weekend. I head back overseas tomorrow so my posts may be labored until I get my stuff setup in Afghanistan.

Hey mcol,

Stay safe and keep your head down. If you have a digital ya got ta send me some pics.

Oh ya and don't drink the water....no wait that's Mexico...

Did ya se that movie with Larry the cable guy I forgot what it was called. They were in the national guards and were deployed to Afghanistan, by got dropped in Mexico and they thought they were in Afghanistan,??

Husband

[mcol]

husband,

I have been there for a while so I will certainly oblige that request. I will shoot you an email with one picture I have already.

All the best

[mcol]

husband,

I have been there for a while so I will certainly oblige that request. I will shoot you an email with one picture I have already.

All the best

[mcol]

husband,

I have been there for a while so I will certainly oblige that request. I will shoot you an email with one picture I have already.

All the best

[FlyGirl]

More later ... but probably not until you're in the skies.

Godspeed, bro.

[mcol]

Ok...lets try this again. I had a good half page ready to post but something happened with my airport connection...naturally I lost it.

I am in Germany right now, on the way back to "the Stan" as I like to call it. I had breakfast with the family yesterday prior to driving down to Atlanta for my flight. I tried to remain upbeat and consider the fact that I only have three more months away and hope that while I am gone my W will do some serious soul searching to ensure that she wants to call it quits. I intend to stay upbeat and try not to get too defeated. As most of you, I bounce back and forth between insanity and happines. I want more than anything to wake up from this vicious dream, wipe the sweat from my forehead, roll over and cuddle with my wife. Although, sitting across the table from her and looking in her eyes, the dream is reality and sadly cuddling is a long way from here. Please God give me strength.

Ok..here is my question. Is anyone else accutely aware of the physical side of your relationships. I guess my mind, in the absence, of emotional stability has turned to a part of our relationship which I thought was pretty good. My fantasies of her have grown exponentially and are very acute. I treasure them but I am quickly brought down by the reality of what I am stuck in. What do you guys think?

I plan to be one of the few that posts from three separate continents in 48 hours (North America, Europe and Asia). Hopefully, the internet in my office will support this website as I need you guys a ton.