Love, PAIN and the Whole Crazy Thing

[kml]

Here's my take on your sitch, hon -

- wife's father dies tragically
- you leave for Afghanistan
- depressed wife fears another "abandonment" - you could die over there
- wife pushes you away because it seems less painful to push you away now than to risk losing you tragically later
- wife finds comfort online with OM
- wife has inherited addictive tendencies = vulnerable to the "dopamine high" of infatuation, similar brain chemistry to compulsive gambling, internet addiction, etc.
- wife has low moral character: not necessarily because she was dumb enough to get involved with her married lover, but she told his wife it was HER fault - and is shameless enough to admit that to YOU later? Geez - seems like something one would be ashamed of admitting to one's new boyfriend/husband. (Wasn't that a big red flag????)

Anyway - in this setting, I make the following recommendations:

- quit pursuing, but don't "go dark". Part of the problem here in the first place was your absence. Make frequent contact with the kids, be an exemplary father, make your contacts with her upbeat and positive. Act As If you know nothing about the affair. Don't engage in R talks. Try to postpone any divorce talks until you get back home. Read up on validating - it's a great te
chnique.

- think about her "love languages" and try to speak them. Of the following, which are the two ways she's been most likely to "hear" your love in the past (which got the most positive reactions)?
- gifts
- words of affirmation (compliments, love letters, etc)
- physical touch (not sex, but holding hands, touching, snuggling)
- quality time (spending time together, giving her your full attention, frequent contact)
- acts of service (doing things for her, like washing her car, etc.)

Also - be careful about those in-laws. I know they're supportive, and SIL pointed you here. That's great - but in the long run, MIL will not sacrifice her R with her D for you. And things you say to them will leak back to W. And W will resent you for "turning her family against her". See it here all the time.

Take care of yourself over there. Make plans for your civilian future; dream big. Focus on your kids and on improving yourself.

This OM is a loser. With any luck, he'll have shown his true colors before you get back. After all, what kind of man pursues a married woman with three kids whose H is deployed? Either:
- a guy who just wants to get laid and preys on lonely women; or
- a guy with the same dopamine addiction issues as your wife; or
- a loser who can't get a woman any other way and so is willing to take on one with three kids and a H; or
- a loser who has to make himself feel like a "big man" by "rescuing" her

He'll never compare to you in the long run. Stay` strong. Be the superior man.

Ellie

[mcol]

kml and flylady...

thanks very much for your help, support, hugs and other advice. Being new to the DB process I am sure you have seen a lot of this stuff before and I appreciate you taking me by the hand through the steps to rekindling my M.

Flylady...you are right on about the relationship losing its addictive status and turning habitual. I think kml caveats your observations very well with the recommendation on the love language recognition.

kml you make a very good point about me dying. W has said often that she cannot see a future for us as I am in this line of work. Hoping that my change in careers helps that. Bottom line up front (BLUF), I think she feels put behind my career. Truthfully, she is right to a certain extent.

Not sure if W is happy about being hoodwinked into an affair but when other W called and attacked her the fight or flight kicked in. I did not really have feelings on it one way or the other back then because I did not know what I know now. However, I still believe that is the past and truly believe that she was not looking to get into a relationship with a married man. I do know that my W broke that relationship off shortly after she found out he was M.

Yes, I have not gone dark but I am also not spending a ton of time on the phone either. More than anything it is just telling her that I hope she is doing ok and checking to ensure she is ok financially which I know she is since she gets paid the weeks I don't.

Flylady correctly points out that she is testing the waters with the OM loser/manwhore/terd and I do hope that she realizes that my love and our relationship is not worth that jacka$$

I have successfully done it. I am now posting from Afghanistan and I am so thankful that I have my own laptop which I will use in my room to continue posting.

Thanks again friends...chat soon.

[FlyGirl]

Also - be careful about those in-laws ... things you say to them will leak back to W

Hmmmm. Prolly not so much.

The only other thing on which I disagree with Ellie is:

wife has low moral character: not necessarily because she was dumb enough to get involved with her married lover, but she told his wife it was HER fault - and is shameless enough to admit that to YOU later? Geez - seems like something one would be ashamed of admitting to one's new boyfriend/husband. (Wasn't that a big red flag????)

I can see how someone might reach such a conclusion. But void of some pertinent details, I think we'd be making a pretty broad assumption by saying your W has low moral character.

For instance, did your W know the man was married when she was in a R with him and was later confronted by his W? Many of us on this board know all-too-well how difficult it can be to just "smell out" our spouses' As. If your W didn't know the man was M, the phone call from his W was prolly one heck of a surprise to your W. And as hurtful as it is -- do I dare say it? -- what your W said has some truth to it. My H left me, and I don't take responsibility for that; but it's true that I should have been a better wife to him pre-bomb. And no one knows whether that would have made a difference in his leaving. But it could have.

Additionally, some would argue that the reason your W told *you* this part of her life is basically because in some Ms, spouses share everything, including details (even shameful ones) about their past ... basically just to get everything on the table. I won't judge whether that's good or bad, right or wrong. It's simply an individual choice. I appreciate you making yourself vulnerable and sharing it here, because it gives us some insight into your sitch.

Now, if your W *knew* that Dude was married and was in a R with him anyway and then had the kahoonas to say such things to that man's wife (and later to you), then, yeah, maybe we could debate the "low moral character" thing.

Why does all that matter?: For someone to say your W has low moral character, especially when you're new here and to your sitch and very vulnerable, is kinda a little harsh, methinks. It's also drawing a conclusion about a person's character based on one sitch for which we have very few details. Also, to say your W has low moral character is not only an insult to your W. It's an insult to you, too, because it suggests that you have a poor sense of judgment; after all, you chose her as your W, and have kept her as such, for 8 years.

All that being said, I think Ellie makes fine points on everything else (all the stuff that really matters). She gives you a lot of very valuable info. to ponder and brings with it a lot of experience and knowledge. Ellie helped me, too, when I was here...

How are things today (whichever day it is in your necka the woods)?

[FlyGirl]

Oops. Just saw that you had replied before I posted.

...Yay! You made it over and are still posting!! Woo-hoo!

[mcol]

So...here we go...I can get online to post at work which is great. I am also going to get the internet in my room so I can read more which will ultimately be my salvation through this whole crazy thing.

Looking forward to hearing and chatting with you guys.

[Dr LOve]

Hey mcol,

saying glad you made it just don't sound right. Wish you were here is more like it. but take care buddy. try not to let things distract you from your present sitch location. Take care of yourself over there.
Then when you get back worry about this place.

Husband

[mcol]

H,

Pics sent. Yeah I know its pretty jacked up when you look forward to getting to Afghanistan. I think I bounce back and forth on mindsets. Sometimes I am anxious to get here so I can get the time done and other times I am in the depths of despair because I miss my family pretty bad. Right now things are not too bad but that is what happens when you have over 1000 emails screaming for your attention. Trust me, I am really not that busy but I pretend to be so I can avoid more work.

Hope all is well

[mcol]

Quick journal...

Hey all...hope everyone is having a good day. I have been able to clear about 2/3 of my emails that were waiting for me....jet lag is an a$$ kicker but provides a few hours of uninterrupted work time to do some stuff.

Talked to SIL today about sitch and some of the stuff that happened during my last weekend at home. MIL noticed upon my departure to come back that W was very weapy and had tears in her eyes which is a good sign.

She is a good person and I love her very much. 1 yr anniversary of her dad's death is coming up and I know this will be a very low point with her. I asked her if she was planning any type of special ceremony or anything and she started crying. I apologized later and let the convo go, nothing further from her side.

I know that she went to see a lawyer last week and got some sort of packet. I am not agreeing to anything until I return in late March. Thankfully, my state requires a 1 year separation if that is the route she chooses. If things continue to go down this road then it will likely be 14-18 months before a judge or mediator becomes involved. Plenty of time to DB and deal with sitch, I think things will be dramatically different when I return and I hope for the better.

Right now, it is cold as all get out in Afghanistan which should make the next 3 months very interesting. However, it promises a white christmas which I have not seen in several years so that will be cool.

Hope everyone has a great day. I should be getting internet for my room later and that will avail me more time to read and post. Right now I have to share a computer with others.

cheers!

[mcol]

KABOOOOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!

Contrary to popular belief that is not the sound of mortars coming in to Afghanistan. That is the sound of the bomb that just went off in my sitch. My W sent me a letter today detailing her meeting with her attorney. She believes that a legal separation is the way to go right now but she wants to backdate it to the date of my deployment. My state requires a 1 year separation agreement prior to pursuing divorce and if she backdates it to my deployment date then she basically could seek a divorce prior to me returning.

So, I had to rule some stuff out so I went to see an attorney from the Army who gave me some very settling advice and I believe it will give me the necessary time to develop this situation post deployment. I am not going to agree to the backdate, I will only agree to a separation if she continues to pursue with dates oriented to my return. The earliest I will agree to is the date of her letter to me 30 October 07.

I also did an anti-DB and got the information pertinent to my financial obligations currently and in the future. Suffice it to say that because she is a professional and working the horror stories we always hear in the military are not going to be the case for me. We always here how the spouse will take us to the bank in child support. Not so in my case unless she stops working and the burden of the support for the kids falls on my shoulders.

I have spoken to my boss to see if I can come home early. I feel totally helpless over here and my personal situation has consumed me making my focus on the mission that much less and consequently a hazard when supporting our troops. It is a head thing more than not and I think I can re-program but it is very hard.

I cried for the first time today about my sitch. I have been in shock and rage up until now. My emotions could not be contained and I ended up on my knees praying to God to help me in this situation with tears staining the chair I was resting on. It felt good to cry and I have a feeling that this will be the first of many tears I will shed, ultimately, I pray leading to tears of joy as my marriage resolves itself.

I wanted to share a couple all too familiar phrases from my W letter to me today...sound familiar?

--I seem to pull farther and farther away every day
--A marriage needs two people to work on it and ours just doesn't have that
--Even seeing you did not move me or cause me to feel excitement or joy
--ILYBNILWY--need to add this to my profile
--This whole fiasco is my fault
--I have to regain some peace and clarity in my life; although legally separating from you will not bring that, it will help me feel more organized about this process and our marriage

Will somebody please introduce me to the alien that has infested my beautiful wife and tell them to get the F*** out of my sitch.

[Dr LOve]

I am not going to agree to the backdate, I will only agree to a separation if she continues to pursue with dates oriented to my return. The earliest I will agree to is the date of her letter to me 30 October 07.

First thing that came to my mind...you can send me my attorney fees when ya get back. I would not be able or willing to deal with this over seas. Wait until ya get back.

We always here how the spouse will take us to the bank in child support. Not so in my case unless she stops working and the burden of the support for the kids falls on my shoulders.

Same here AND I could have even collected alimony...WOW...
But..... W got laid off.

I cried for the first time today about my sitch. I have been in shock and rage up until now. My emotions could not be contained and I ended up on my knees praying to God to help me in this situation with tears staining the chair I was resting on. It felt good to cry and I have a feeling that this will be the first of many tears I will shed, ultimately, I pray leading to tears of joy as my marriage resolves itself.

Felt great didn't it??? Man I did this very same thing. I was luck enough. (Or was it luck?) To find a church on my way home from work that was empty (or was it?). I just cried my eyes out. I prayed for my W, for our marriage. For the OM and for the OM marriage.

Take care buddy. Hope you can come home soon. Even if things don't work out in you M. being over there is not the place to be when your mind is on other things. In my line of work I could ruin a $20.000 piece of equipment if I was not keeping my mind on my work big deal. Your line…....... a life can be lost.....

Again take care, Try to concentrate on you mission, and get home as soon as ya can. And try not to worry about what you have no control over.

Manuel