What Now

[grdn24grl]

I went out with a friend last night and had a great time; went to a couple bars, danced a little, met an old client of mine, met a couple guys, talked, felt good to be admired, and told "you're so hot" (several times), big ego boost. She is going through the big D, we've become our mini support group. We call to check on each other and made a pact to call anytime day or night when feeling a crisis coming on.
I'm getting nervous, I haven't heard from H since Sunday, is that a good thing or a bad thing? It's hard to DB/LRT when there's no contact (I realize that LRT is no contact - but on my end). It's the "waiting and (unable) watching" that's drving me nuts!

[wawpioneer]

I can sure understand where you are coming from on the no contact concerns. I would say that the hardest thing for me to understand is how not doing anything (LRT) can be so effective. My WAW and I did not talk for nearly a week prior to meeting again. She reconfirmed her position to leave. However, during that meeting I did a lot of validating and listening. I had previously written down things that I heard her say that she needed over the past 2 months. After she had said we were through she asked me what was on the notepad that I had brought. I told her what was on it (except for my needs)and left it at that. I told her in the end that we had failed our R but that I was NOT going to fail the M. I told her that I was fighting for her. We left each other on somewhat of a positive tone. She had taken every reason for her to leave me away. She went home and actually reconsidered. 24 hours later she was at home asking for forgiveness and another chance to work on our M. There are no guarantees from her and I realize that. She had to make a choice to come back regardless of her feelings. I have faith that loving feelings will return once we have committed ourselves to positive action.

Sorry so long but the moral of my story is patience. I am still trying to learn it by the way.

[grdn24grl]

Here we go again. . . H called @ 1:16am, drunk as hell, saying I called him the other day and he was returning my call (uh, no!). So I was upbeat (as much as possible for being woken up @ 1am). I asked what he's been up to and he said getting drunk, I wanted to ask, "so how's that workin' out for ya?" but I restrained myself. Then seemingly out of nowhere he says, "stop coming over here and stealing my pants" (this is what I heard) I asked why would I steal his pants and he corrected me and said "not my pants, my pans". (Sidebar: MY mom had bought us a nice set of hard anodized non-stick pots and pans, well when he was buying me stuff for my apartment he bought me this crappy, cheap set, so I switched them out before I even moved into the apartment on 11/13 - he just now noticed) He said he would have bought a more expensive set if he knew I was going to take the others, so I asked why I should get the cheap set - "because you don't cook", well buddy I've had to do a lot of it lately - I don't have the money to go out to eat every night like him! Then he goes off, "that's it I'm changing the locks. . ." I tried calming him down, saying that I'm being civil and he's flying off the edge (I realize it was the alcohol, didn't read into any of it). Then he goes, "well I'm going to bed now, you can come over and lay with me if you want." I replied, "after what you just said to me." He repeated his statement. We hung up and I went back to sleep. Wonder if he'll call to find out why I didn't come over, or if he even remembers talking to me.

[bhopeful]

That doesn't sound like it was a very constructive conversation. Next time he calls like that you should just let him go instead of trying to carry on a sleepy and drunken conversation. I don't imagine that you felt very positive after that interaction. Maybe make a rule for yourself that you don't answer your phone after a certain time of the night. Try to set yourself up for success.

Peace,
B

[grdn24grl]

I was not expecting a logical or rational interaction when he called last night, I knew when the phone rang at that time what kind of condition he must be in. I'm finding his actions laughable, to me that is success and because I didn't go over there to spend the night with him. Maybe he'll realize you get more with honey than vinegar. I can pretty much guarantee he doesn't even remember what what said, and if he does it will be highly skewed. It's pretty hard to set yourself up for success when those are the only types of contact you're getting, I'm just biding my time.
Anyway. . . I had a nice day today, I went to the beach (of course got burned but not too bad I hope), played a pick-up game of volleyball (which my side won), went to an artfest (right behind his firestation - tried to see if he noticed I was there), now I'm settling in to watch some football.

[bhopeful]

It's great that you don't take him seriously when he calls like that. That's really the only time he calls, when he's drunk? I guess that the point that I was trying to make is, do you really want to put yourself through listening to his drunken rants? It seems like your ok with it though.

It's great that you went out today. I have to admit that I'm completely jealous about the beach. We have beautiful beaches where I live too (Grand Haven, MI). They just happen to be covered in snow right now... I get two or three months a year that are beach weather and I take in every minute of it I can. So I know about getting a little too much sun.

[grdn24grl]

As I predicted he did not remember talking to me (so he says) last night (and I didn't reiterate any part of the convo). We had a pretty good conversation although he brought up the D word. He said that he would be the one hurt more in the long run, because I would finally realize that he was an ahole to me and it's his loss, and that he would realize he is supposed to be with me, and that is something he has to deal with. He said he loves me and cares about me, he just doesn't want to be around me (or anyone) all the time, and that's not fair to me and that's why he wants a D. He said you never know we may just end up hooking up again. He said he hasn't filed because he knows I won't sign the papers, he hopes that we can come to an agreement, and that no one gets hurt (how uch more) and that this is not the time of year to do that. I changed the subject to anything I could think of. . . just had some small talk, asked about the station, hoe the guys are doing, I saw a small opportunity, so I asked if maybe we could get together for dinner or a drink, he said everytime (twice) we get together we end up having sex, he said he would give me a call. Is this a sign of hope? If he calls should I meet him or play the I'm busy card even though it was my idea?

[slowly]

Hello - Sorry you find yourself here, though your situation seems to be slightly unusual.

He also said that he felt he couldn't bring me around because people had "issues" with me, again without much explanation.

Is this his perception, or do you believe there is some substance to what he said? Maybe discreet inquiries with mutual friends may shed some light? In dbing, 180s are quite important. They underscore the walk-aways sense that things have changed. In what way would you say you have changed since divorce busting?


Slowly

[grdn24grl]

slowly,
he would (could) not give specifics to what or whom, but said he has been hearing for a while "why are you with her" (that was the only phrase he came up with). Unfortunately I don't have contact with "our" friends anymore, they're mostly people from the fire department and wives and/or girlfriends. I actually did run into some of them at a softball game and one of the wives came up and asked where I had been so I gave her a little summary of what was going on and about the "issue" thing and she reassured me that no one had "issues" with me and that I get along with everyone, and am quiet, and that he was probably just saying that to be ugly and make himself feel better.
As far as changes:
1) I have lost weight (not that I really needed to)
2) I have started going to the gym (to tone up)
3) I feel more self confident (my esteem and self image have always been lacking)
4) I have been attending a women's group meeting (learning a lot about myself)
5) I have been going to the beach (something that I never really wanted to do, the whole bathing suit in public thing)
6) I have been going out with friends
7) In the beginning I was majorly pursuing, I have implemented the LRT, so I have not contacted him, when he has called I have been upbeat and positive - which he has noticed.

I'm tryng my best to GAL.

[grdn24grl]

^