Intense, unintended conversation the other night. We were supposed to have dinner and I kept things calm and friendly but W started crying and talking about R - said we can't stay in limbo. We talked about a lot of things, but I stayed consistent in my message that the only thing I felt I could do right now was work on myself and our friendship. I said eventually I'd have to move on, which meant selling the house, but I wanted to remain friends.
Walked outside and I held her hand on the way back to her car. She completely broke down and spent the next hour sobbing on my shoulder. Said she felt she had a problem with deep emotional attachments. Said she wanted to come home but just couldn't - couldn't figure out what she was scared of. Said she just couldn't make the next step. I should have told her that I thought the next step would be spending the day together rather than moving in, but didn't. She said she knew we had a connection that was unique and felt that if she couldn't make our R work, she wouldn't be able to make any work. I just held her, answered her questions, but tried not to say everything I was feeling. Eventually I told her it was time for her to go home. Walked her to the car where she cried more. I kissed her goodnight and left.
Now am trying to sort it all out. I feel like we have definitely turned some sort of corner, but don't know what's next.
It seems like she was feeling a lot of uncertainty and very emotional about it. Stay steady and be her support and probably expect some withdrawal from her now too. It's not you, it's a pattern for many WAS. They get too close to be comfortable and then swing far away again.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Good advice that I'll follow. I felt good that I was able to not completely let myself go during our conversation. Just trying to focus on myself and being a good friend. But 4 emails from W today - not about anything in particular, but quite a difference after the last 2 months.
I can definitely feel myself really shedding some illusions about how Rs work. Still a long road ahead. lodo
As expected, W is pulling way back. Brief conversation yesterday before she leaves for the holidays. Conversation was okay and relaxed, but reserved. Hug goodbye that she pulled out of and then stood with arms behind back. So, I wished her a good christmas and got out. Pretty depressed once home, but am just going to accept it as a low spot in what has been overall improvement. I guess I'll pull back again and let her choose when to approach.
Played hookey yesterday, taking the afternoon off and going for a long hike. Felt good to not be so consumed with work. I realize that the small improvements have allowed me to not be so consumed with thinking about the R - have cleared my head out a little.
Hope your holiday was a good one. I went to see my family - little quiet this year but still enjoyed the visit.
No contact from W. Thought she'd call to wish me a happy holiday, but nothing. Trying not to think about it. We'd left things a couple weeks ago with her initiating contact, so I'm trying to hold true to that. As Michele says, I'm trying to stay back so that W can fill the space. Pretty hard, though, after what I thought was a corner turned.
Too cold to run so am feeling a bit trapped as well. Isn't it strange how exercise can suddenly become so important to your peace of mind? Ever since bomb, it seems like getting out is the only thing that can settle me down.
Okay, just plodding along here. Man, I look at all the great advice other people are able to give and I wonder if I'll ever be able to think that clearly about myself in a R again, but I'm trying. PMA (finally figured out what that meant).
Latest is W stayed in the house while I was away. She finally called the day after christmas to wish me a happy holiday - better than nothing. I was getting back pretty early in the AM and asked if she'd be at the house - long silence and then, "no." I asked if she was still willing to do an all day hike, per our last MC session and she said yes. Conversation seemed stilted though.
So, got home and she'd left a note. About a month ago I'd planned a ski trip by myself as part of my GAL. I asked if she'd want to join me for a day (no hotel room pressure) but she said NO. Anyway, in the note she left she said it was supposed to rain all weekend and how about if we went to dinner instead of a hike and then she could join me for a day of skiing.
So, feeling pretty good. Bad part is that the all day hike was supposed to be a chance for us to really have some time together to talk. Can't do that skiing, but I'll take whatever time I can get.
Been thinking about something Jeff223 wrote in another forum about recapturing and balancing your good male energy - planning, follow-through, leadership, creativity, mentoring, as well as compassion and sharing, etc. I'm trying to think about that - I've definitely been lacking in male energy with my tendency to want to be clingy, though I've fought that tendency hard.
lodo, you might try creating some mystery. Change your cologne, get a new hairstyle, grow a mustache. Don't always be available to her if she contacts you. Ask her to watch the house again while you have an 'out of town' trip, don't tell her any details. Can you do that? It is hard, it is totally against anything I ever tried to build with my H - an open and honest R with him. He changed the rules. I think the thing that made him flip out the most in this many years is the day I loaded up 2 horses and left to go camping by myself. I left him a voice mail after I was on the road. That started a flurry of txts from him and he was ANGRY so I did get his attention. What can you do for some 180's and changes?
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Mystery, huh? I don't know but I can try. I feel more like telling her I need a break from her mood swings than asking her to watch the house, but maybe I'll give it a shot. Guess I've been thinking of 180s more as fixing things rather than anything more dramatic.
Wish I had a horse to take out - I'm a southwesterner transplanted to the city. Heck, I'd be happy just to see some good stars again!
