Love, PAIN and the Whole Crazy Thing

[FlyGirl]

Little hijack, here, mcol. Sorry:

Hi, BB!!! I've missed you! Been thinking alot about all you guys lately, especially with the Christmas season and all. I remember, back in the day, being in my Christmas PJs -- all preggo and sh!t -- typing until the wee hours of the morning. As painful as those months were, I sure ended up with a lot of very warm memories. Anyway, I miss you.

But I'm so glad that mcol "found" you here. I knew you'd be a *huge* help. Stay in touch, won't you?

Let's chat soon.

[Burgbud]

Hi, BB!!! I've missed you!...As painful as those months were, I sure ended up with a lot of very warm memories.

Hey you! I've missed you, too. Funny what turns out to be "good times" in retrospect, eh? The night we tried to lock your thread will live in infamy forever, at least in my mind.

I'll keep in touch. I should send you a link to a YouTube video of me engaged in my new hobby. You'd never suspect. You should send me a link to updated family photos...though I may not have nine hours to go thru 'em all.

[FlyGirl]

Any updates today, mcol?

[mcol]

Ok...here we go kids. Get your popcorn, a soda and go to the bathroom because the proverbial sh$$ hit the fan today.

Just a quick recap,

KABOOOOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!
I wanted to share a couple all too familiar phrases from my W letter to me today...sound familiar?
--I seem to pull farther and farther away every day
--A marriage needs two people to work on it and ours just doesn't have that
--Even seeing you did not move me or cause me to feel excitement or joy
--ILYBNILWY--need to add this to my profile
--This whole fiasco is my fault
--I have to regain some peace and clarity in my life; although legally separating from you will not bring that, it will help me feel more organized about this process and our marriage

Upon arriving to work this morning after I had told W that did not want to backdate our separation to the day after I deployed she sent me some pretty shocking and hurtful words...more for the course as she is just trying to push as hard against me as she can to get me out of her life to make room for the manwhore (i will explain). She said that she was pretty much flexible on everything with the exception of the effective date of separation. She went on to say that the months since I went on my "fairytale" deployment have been hellacious for her to deal with and me not being there showed her that she could not count of me when she needed me most.

I wrote her a note back basically saying that I thought the way she was conducting herself and the people she was associating with were a detriment and the cause for her pushing her entire family away and I felt as though I needed to protect my interests. After that, I transferred money out of my joint account (my pay) to another account, and have proceeded to spend the last several hours trying to plan the care for my kids and my affairs. I cancelled her power of attorney and issued a new POA specific to the kids only.

I have contacted a lawyer whose advice was not to do anything unless her lawyer contacts me. If that happens then he told me to call him and he would write a letter basically telling them that I would not be doing anything in regards to this case until I return from my deployment. So if they try to stick it to me then not only will she not get the date in september, she will have to wait until March or April before the 12 month clock starts.

She of course is very irate and once she received the cancellation of power of attorney (I also issued the same SPOA to the MIL) W went to her house, gave her $500 cash and said "I guess that he just gave you custody of the kids" Bless the MIL heart she was beside herself and is not in the mindset to deal with all of the stress plus handle this blowout.

I have prepped my parents that if W cannot handle the kids nor can her mom and if I cannot come home then I will need them to step in and take care of them until such a time as when I can be there.

I contacted an investigator as I feel as though W will flee into the arms of the OM for comfort and support and possibly seal the PA that I have suspected. We have about 2 wks until anniversary of dad's death and I believe that most of the immediate lashing out will happen in the next couple of weeks. The more long term resolution will occur over several months. Not sure, nor do I care right now which way our R goes but I am not giving up on her no matter how pissed she is with what I have done.

W is supposed to either meet or drop S,D,S off with my family after Christmas but am curious to know if she will not let this happen now that we are at odds.

W reiterated the ILYBNILWY part of her thang.

Mentally, I am exhausted. Jet lag + W on the brink of doing something really stupid, plus trying to get my affairs in order for the long haul takes its toll.

The bad news is that I believe I will have to sacrifice some retirement planning (only for a few months) in order to ensure I have the capital to get established.

My prayer has been and will always remain that W and I work out our situation. Those of you who have gone through it know about the not wanting to eat and depression and all that stuff. Sadly, the military will not flex much to get me home. We have already had to send one person back for a situation that is much worse than my own and another soldier just got notified he will have to go home and take another job due to some other guy not being able to control his hormones. This puts my boss in a tough spot but I trust he will do what he thinks is best in this situation.

Peaks and valleys everyone. The constant declaration of I should not have to be doing this is playing ping pong in my head. Thank you to all who have replied to my sitch. Stay tuned as the hits will begin to roll pretty heavily.

One interesting note. W attorney closes his offices on Friday so she was not able to get in touch with him. Snicker, Snicker.

More later...I am exhausted. Would love to hear feedback

[Burgbud]

Hey, mcol! I don't have a bunch of time at the moment so I'll hit what I see as the highlights for now.


...she sent me some pretty shocking and hurtful words...

A current positive for you is that these words are being sent rather than said, so you have time to take stock and gauge your reaction. Make a habit of not responding immediately. Give yourself a couple of hours to figure out what message you actually want to send. Believe me, the witty responses and lock-solid logic that pops into your head at first will fall on completely unappreciative and unimpressed ears.

You want to be solid. You're handling a difficult situation with as much grace as you can. You're not going to get dragged into craziness.


She went on to say that the months since I went on my "fairytale" deployment have been hellacious for her to deal with and me not being there showed her that she could not count of me when she needed me most.

Feel free to explain that you can really see how difficult that's been and you've already decided to take steps so she won't be in that position in the future. (If you say that, she'll try to use it as some type of leverage in a future conversation...just agree with her again and let it go; she can be right about that but it in no way justifies any type of A and you don't have to pretend like it does.)

I've really gotta run; I'll respond more tomorrow. You seem to be on the right track. Try to isolate vindictiveness and venting (well justified as it is) to this board. To your W, you're a strong, loving man who's handling some serious adversity as best you see fit. Start thinking about your frame, i.e. how you see the world. For example, you used to have one frame about your retirement planning. That frame is now OBE (Army guys still use "OBE", right?) and you adjusted to a new frame. You're going to have some very fundamental frame adjustments to do. Also, start thinking about "detachment from outcome." It's tough but the closer you get to that, the easier it will be for you to act in the manner most likely to achieve positive results.


The constant declaration of I should not have to be doing this is playing ping pong in my head.

No doubt, brother, and that's a key point. You *don't* actually have to be doing this. You're choosing to because of the result you want. That gives you strength. If you change your mind later and decide that isn't the result you want, you can change your actions. As of now, my perspective is that you have three good reasons to give this your best shot (four, really...you're gonna learn a lot about yourself, stuff you never wanted to have to learn ).

Oh, and am I correct in assuming that she doesn't yet know that you suspect/know about the OM?

[mcol]

A current positive for you is that these words are being sent rather than said, so you have time to take stock and gauge your reaction. Make a habit of not responding immediately. Give yourself a couple of hours to figure out what message you actually want to send.

You are right here. We have not spoken on the phone in any serious detail for weeks, possibly months

Feel free to explain that you can really see how difficult that's been and you've already decided to take steps so she won't be in that position in the future.

I really must sharpen this part of my approach. Up until now I have been playing the stunned mullet and hurt puppy. I must realize (and I will) that bickering with her on the finer points of rationality will not work and I must try to seriously empathize and listen to her position. I have tried to massage her a little bit...here is a quote from one of my emails yesterday...

I am so thankful that you have handled my affairs up until this point and have done so with great proficiency ensuring that we have stayed up to date but I feel that at this point it is going to be more viable if my dad takes over the execution of these affairs except for areas dealing with the kids.

Try to isolate vindictiveness and venting (well justified as it is) to this board.

Yes, I will and I must because the lead edge of the tidal wave is just approaching.

Start thinking about your frame, i.e. how you see the world. For example, you used to have one frame about your retirement planning. That frame is now OBE (Army guys still use "OBE", right?) and you adjusted to a new frame.

This is good and yes you are very right about the OBE.

As of now, my perspective is that you have three good reasons to give this your best shot (four, really...you're gonna learn a lot about yourself, stuff you never wanted to have to learn ).

Dead on brother. All four of them are very precious to me and I absolutely do not want to lose them.

Oh, and am I correct in assuming that she doesn't yet know that you suspect/know about the OM?

I am not sure what she has inferred from one of my last email. This is what I wrote to her...

My understanding of the current situation you are in and those you are associating with has put you in a position where you are pushing me, your children and your entire family away from you and your "single" independent life. While this new lifestyle may be giving you the confidence and outlet you seek to "escape" your pain and misery the relationships you are in and the affairs your have engaged may seem rational to you, I can tell you that there are no less than 11 members of your family who do not share your sentiments.


I think I have been saying some of the right things and I have tried to represent my feelings well by not getting overly emotional. I am trying to be rational and I know rational will not be her cup of tea for a while but still trying to stay ahead of any major moves she could make.

If I know her and her current state she will power through these events with vigor, anger and a redneck flare that would make Gretchen Wilson blush. However, there will come a time (not sure when) where she will go cold and careless and resolve that she will not be able to fight or change what is going on. I am concerned for this stage as this is where she turns inward and will be non-responsive to anything that is said or done to her. I also see this part of the upcoming battle as when the kids will become pawns in the game which I will fight like he!! to try and prevent.

More later...my nerves prevailed last night and I only got about an hour of sleep. Nap will be the order of the day today. Someone give me the magic anti-jet lag pill (ironically, i heard yesterday that they are looking at viagra to combat this). How would I roll over in bed while sleeping if I took viagra to combat my jet lag?? Ok...sorry, trying to stay upbeat and comical (my normal self)

I will post again later, I had really expected her to have fired back a response when I opened my email this morning but something tells me she is circling her wagon of online friends and plotting the next move.

I am also worried about MIL, this whole situation is signficantly overwhelming her and she is not far away from a nervous breakdown. Only bad thing is that she is the primary provider for S,D,S after they finish daycare. Without her, W will be up a creek, may have to leave job and then financial burden on us will become most extreme.

[mcol]

Today has not been so good. After staying up until 4:30 am trying to take care of personal business, getting very little sleep (about 1 hr) and trying to take a nap I am in horrible condition right now.

I am sure the depression I am feeling is producing the desire to not want to eat which makes me shaky because I don't have enough vitamins and minerals. My fatigue is doubled due to my jet lag and not being able to get my internal clock synched with time over here.

Of course, there is also the chickenlittle syndrome which rears its ugly head...about every hour or so until I can beat it down.
Bottom line, I am a wreck. Considering going to the doctor and getting an anti-depressant just in case these symptoms do not get better.

I also know that I felt the same way when I came back from leave for a couple of days and when I thought I could not take it anymore, my body miraculously snapped into schedule and I got better. I wonder if I am experiencing the same thing right now coupled with fear and grief from my sitch.

Is there a doctor in the house? Watch some cartoons for me.

[chocolateeyes]

mcol,

I know what you're going through. This past summer, I discovered that my 47yo wife was having an affair with her 29yo personal trainer. I confronted her, and she denied it, but I persisted and ultimately had to expose her to her family, the OM's family and our own children before she would stop lying about it. I even had to PLAY AUDIO of her in order for her to stop the denial.

I had my doctor give me two anti-anxiety/anti-depressant meds. One was a long-term one, which you take every day and it takes a couple of weeks to kick in, but it really helps you "even out" and get thru the roller-coaster. The other was something that I was to take only as needed, as I had had a couple of panic attacks -- one when I witnessed my beautiful wife meeting up in a parking lot with the OM, getting into his POS truck and driving off to his house.

Ugh.

The point is, there's nothing wrong with using medication to help you get thru this -- even Glass, Harley and several other authors on infidelity recommend it. It helped me a lot, and fortunately I only needed to take the panic ones about three times.

I also lost about 20 pounds from not eating. You're going to have to FORCE yourself to eat something, morning-noon-and-night, even if you don't feel like it. Because this is going to be hard enough, without your body being weak. Remember, food feeds your BRAIN, too, and you need that organ more than any other right now.

It sounds to me like you had a TREMENDOUS day (I know it doesn't feel like it) doing all of the things necessary to protect yourself. I too had to open up a second bank account and all that, but you do what you have to do. There are simply too many stories out there of what people will do when the brain chemicals run amok. After all, an otherwise intelligent and sane adult astronaut drove across the country WEARING A FREAKING DIAPER for the man she loved.

Hang in there. It does get better.

- Choc.

[mcol]

After all, an otherwise intelligent and sane adult astronaut drove across the country WEARING A FREAKING DIAPER for the man she loved.
- Choc.

Choc

You rock brother...this last sentence gave me the boost I needed today. I realize now that I should probably wait to wake up from my nap before I post. I still feel like doo doo and have had peaks and valleys all day, I almost walked to the next office to talk to the surgeon about getting AD. However, I keep telling myself that I cannot control what she is doing but I can control how I react and how I fix my broken heart. I sometimes even pretend this never happened to get me out of my funk. I hate to say it but I wear my emotions on my sleeve and many of my co-workers have seen how this BS has impacted me.

I can appreciate the level you had to go to so that your W admitted to the A. My intent with my snooping is to have the items I need to confront if that is what it takes to get her to pull her head out of her rear.

Can I ask what happened after the confrontation? Are you still DBing or have you moved on?

Thanks for taking time and look forward to hearing from you again.

For everyone....I am waiting for W to blast me back her series of demands. I feel like a hostage negotiator. I highly doubt that she will talk to me for a while since I pulled the plug on her cushy financial situation. In trusting her to take care of the finances which she did remarkably, I now realize that I enabled her single lifestyle because there was no way she needed all the money she had access to.

My despair was kind of high today because my brain was playing tricks. I thought that because I had dropped the other shoe, she would do something drastic to harm herself or the kids, thank you Andrea Yates and all the other psycho people who take the lives of their kids to spare them this life!! I actually had quite a bit of anxiety about the whole thing and as my day has gone on I figured I would have heard something by now. Thankfully, nothing yet.

[Dr LOve]

I realize now that I should probably wait to wake up from my nap before I post. I still feel like doo doo and have had peaks and valleys all day, I almost walked to the next office to talk to the surgeon about getting AD. However, I keep telling myself that I cannot control what she is doing but I can control how I react and how I fix my broken heart.

Hey Mcol,

I am going to TRY to send ya a e-book. It worked when i sent it to one other person and did not when sent to another.

Don't have an e-mail so I will try to send in through your "my space"

take care buddy,

Husband