I just re-read your sitch. It sounds to me like she has discovered another person. I don't intend this to be hurtful - I know you suspect it anyway. But what I see going on is that she is chasing her fantasy. As you know, any attempt that you make to interfere will only push her away.
Don't have any advice. Sounds like you are doing the right things. Just wanted to offer my support.
KABOOOOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!! I wanted to share a couple all too familiar phrases from my W letter to me today...sound familiar?
--I seem to pull farther and farther away every day --A marriage needs two people to work on it and ours just doesn't have that --Even seeing you did not move me or cause me to feel excitement or joy --ILYBNILWY--need to add this to my profile --This whole fiasco is my fault --I have to regain some peace and clarity in my life; although legally separating from you will not bring that, it will help me feel more organized about this process and our marriage
Will somebody please introduce me to the alien that has infested my beautiful wife and tell them to get the F*** out of my sitch.
Hi mcol,
I've had 5 of those and many more like them. As you say, it feels like an alien has taken over. The woman I used to have so much fun with slowly became emotionally cold, withdrawn and critical and then started going on about how much she had grown emotionally (i.e. outgrown me). The walls had gone up and as she said, she wasn't going to let me in any more.
She may genuinely feel or believe some of these but in my W's case some were smokescreens for withdrawl. I think even she knew they were not true.
Max
Me 36 W 37 Bomb (Easter 07) Sep (WAW July 07) "It's over" (end Oct 07) T10.5 years, M2 (before bomb)
Mcol, I'm so sorry. She is being so selfish. You have so much on your shoulders already being deployed and then she drops this bomb on you... I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Take care of yourself. You have many friends on here.
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
mcol.. just read your sitch.. let me say a few things first:
1. Thank you for your service!! I think about you guys all the time. 2. I'm not active.. I served from 93-99, but you know that adage "Once a Marine, always a Marine"
Your sitch is definitely FUBAR. I can't imagine how you feel being so far away from home and dealing with this.
I'll make a few observations: 1. Definitely can relate to the "being a hazard" while this is going on. I'm a computer geek and nearly got fired. Can't imagine the level of stress you are under. 2. I have to agree that the scenario is 2-3X tougher on the spouse.. no excuse though. She knew what she was getting into. 3. The death of her father is probably reeking havoc on the situation. Didn't glean how much support you were able to offer in that sitch, but if it was minimal (even though you were serving etc) that's a HUGE blow to them. The rock they need to lean on wasn't "emotionally" available. 4. I second that with the "being late all the time" another "emotionally" unavailable statement. BTDT. 5. I agree with Mark.. sounds like she is ready to test the waters with someone else. I got the same "speak" and it all lead to a PA. 6. Definitely agree with not backdating the separation. Be prepared for lots of anger and backlash as you will be keeping her from her "goal".
All of that aside.. this is not your fault. As she says, it takes 2 to make this things work. She has obviously given up without giving you the courtesy of trying to work things out.
Not to insult, but you seem like a very intelligent (officer right?) and insightful person. I would agree with a letter, but in your sitch, it probably would be perceived as more of the same. If you were to try and relate to her, can you do a webcam or phone if possible?
Again.. no begging or pleading.. just reassure her that you appreciate all that she has done while supporting you...
This may not be an acceptable approach now that she is seeking a separation.. it very well could fall on deaf ears.
Probably not much help, but you are doing well by posting on here . Stay safe!!
A big bomb today, indeed. But it changes nothing. The day is long.
I agree that you should not agree to back-date the separation. Time is your best friend right now. It's the ultimate healer and it has a way of changing peoples' minds.
I have a feeling that you putting your foot down on a couple issues -- notably the separation back-dating crap -- is going to take your W aback. Again, I agree with jarhead that you're probably gonna feel some backlash from her. But making that stance is gonna do two things for you: A) It'll buy you some time, and B) It'll be a 180 for you. And I think, while it's gonna p!ss your wife off, it's also (perhaps subconsciously) gonna impress her. It'll be your first step in becoming the man who's more of a man than OM. I think your W wants a man. Not a doormat. You've been a doormat for too long.
Mcol, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for what you've gone thru, for what you're going thru and definitely for what you're going to be going thru...and that's enough feeling sorry for now.
You're going to have to hold two things in your mind at once. Your W is a beautiful person (who I doubt is of low morals, c'mon Ellie) that has been thru quite a lot. She's still full of the wonderful traits that attracted you to her in the first place and that constitute the woman you're still in love with. She's also in an awful lot of pain. She deserves empathy and understanding.
She's handling her pain, however, poorly and destructively. You have to be willing to deal with that and protect yourself and your kids from it.
So you have be sympathetic and strong. Gentle but firm.
(Mcol) I also did an anti-DB and got the information pertinent to my financial obligations currently and in the future.
That's NOT anti-DB. You have to figure out the possibilities and protect yourself. You're probably going to have to take some actions that may look like punishment from your W's perspective. You'll have to deal with that. I don't believe that you want to punish her and I think it would be counterproductive to punish her, but if legitimately protecting yourself looks like punishment, so be it. As I mentioned in my other post, you have a good model for what that looks like.
If you don't have an attorney, get one. If your W isn't already using the guy P&DB used, get him. If she is, get a recommendation for someone equally as good. If you suspect your W is still having an affair, snoop and find out. Don't keep snooping after that because you'll just cause yourself pain, but you do need to understand the terrain. Talk to your attorney about what you need to do to prove an A. Talk to your attorney about "alienation of affection," since this is a North Carolina issue.
If she's having an affair, separate your finances. Give her the money she needs to run your household but don't pay for the cell phone she's using to facilitate her A.
(FlyGirl) It'll be your first step in becoming the man who's more of a man than OM. I think your W wants a man. Not a doormat. You've been a doormat for too long.
There's no "think"ing that your W wants a man. You know she needs a man, and she needs a leader with all she's going thru. If you've been a doormat for too long now's the time for a 180. The opposite of "doormat" isn't "a$$hole", btw. The opposite of "doormat" is "man". A man can be compassionate and forgiving without being anything near a doormat. That's your job.
Enough for now. You need to develop a plan fairly quickly and start implementing it but it doesn't have to happen in an instant. Love her and give her your understanding but make it obvious you're going to lead yourself thru this and she can trust you to lead her, too (it'll take time to build that trust). What you're not going to do is *follow* her into craziness and you're certainly not going to enable.
Listen to your SIL; she's smart and she knows the players. If something she says doesn't sit right with your gut, though, follow your gut (but not your bleeding heart...gotta learn the difference.)
If you have any questions or just want to talk about anything, spill it. I'll be checking in here and you can also reach me via email: burgbud@rubywolf.com.
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
mcol, I have to admit that I am kind of po'd for you at this moment. It strikes me as just downright nasty for your W to divorce you while you aren't even home to deal with it. OK.. with that said.. maybe it's just because it's less confrontational for her this way... Hmm.. Either way..so sorry. I know how you feel right now.. It hurts like he!!
I also cannot imagine the stress of being where you are and dealing with this. Like Jarhead, I am sooo ineffective at work at the moment that I would fire me!
Take care of yourself. You're getting some great words of wisdom here. LO
Hey mcol. I am sorry about the letter. So sorry. She is really lost and hurting and thinks 'escaping' you is the cure. It will only make things worse, but she doesn't see this. I am glad your tears came. Ride it out when it comes, I have learned to do that.
Dark with contact. That is your goal. Tell her that you totally understand what she is going through (read up on validating her feelings, I think someone else said this too), tell her you know its what she wants.
I am thinking of you. Thank you so much for your service.
Hi, BB!!! I've missed you! Been thinking alot about all you guys lately, especially with the Christmas season and all. I remember, back in the day, being in my Christmas PJs -- all preggo and sh!t -- typing until the wee hours of the morning. As painful as those months were, I sure ended up with a lot of very warm memories. Anyway, I miss you.
But I'm so glad that mcol "found" you here. I knew you'd be a *huge* help. Stay in touch, won't you?
