LFL, the reason I asked about your H's departure was because I think everyone is focusing on your lack of desire for him and ignoring the huge impact that his leaving had on you. I mean, he SECRETLY rented an apartment! Then he says the only solution he could think of was to LEAVE! And he did! Why is no one giving this enormous event the weight is deserves in trying to sort out LFL's state of mind?
LFL, if you don't mind, would you go into a little bit more detail about those days? You found out because you saw a withdrawal from your joint bank account. Did he say when he was planning to tell you about it? Did he just pack a bag and leave?
If you try to analyze in yourself WHY you cannot seem to forgive him... what do you come up with? I'm convinced that your inability to forgive is NOT because of some character flaw of yours, but because there is something real that has not been resolved in spite of all his apologizing, etc. What is it that is still sticking in your craw? I have a feeling it's more than just sex. (I hate it when people say "just sex.")
That's why I said that his recent statement about y'all being platonic seemed to be a cover for rage. I get the idea he's baiting you in some way, provoking you. There's something bubbling under the surface, but I can't put my finger on it.
For strong bunny starters, I propose a wickedly expensive haircut with blonde highlights, a new dress (something girly and flowing), and a pinkish nail color + lipstick, a glass of red wine, a long bath, and a book you enjoyed as a wee young girl. Or was that monkey? Mojo, I'm getting your animals mixed up.
Maybe you can't "be" strong bunny right now but you can "act" strong bunny. Here's how. Think about one of your kids and imagine that child is giving off the vibe "I am loved and cherished." Can you get a sense of how being around a child giving off that vibe would make you feel like you were a good parent? That is why giving off "strong bunny" vibes around a man will make him feel more Alpha/St. Bernard. Children frequently give off the opposite of "I am loved and cherished" vibes. They cry and sulk and communicate "Nooooooobody loves me. Noooooobody loves me." Obviously, they do this in order to evince the kind of behavior that will make them feel more loved and cherished. Babies are cute and lovable and we feel compelled to give them care to the extent that we believe we won't spoil them when they are weak. When adults we love act like weak children our desire to provide care can become a dysfunctional desire to "rescue" or we can be repulsed because we are attracted to strength in other adults or we may become angry because we don't want to be the adult and the one who has to do the "work" or we may become overwhelmed because we don't feel capable of being the adult etc. etc.
So, if you want to "be" more loved and cherished, you need to "act" more loved and cherished in order to make the job easier for your H at first. Your problem isn't the same as the problem I had in my marriage. My 2bx was more mean monkey/ dysfunctional top than your H but you guys really seem to be stuck in that bunny/puppy basket together. If you can just get him functioning more St. Bernard relative to you then it will be much easier for you to play him healthy monkey. This is roughly analogous to how a child who generally feels well-cared for and cherished will feel free to engage in a little creative anarchy or spirited rough-housing. A neglected child will sometimes be naughty in order to get attention but a child who generally feels safe and secure will be naughty simply because there is always a fine line between naughty and fun.
Mojo, you have moments where you're just this side of brilliant. The brilliant side of brilliant, I mean.
For strong bunny starters, I propose a wickedly expensive haircut with blonde highlights, a new dress (something girly and flowing), and a pinkish nail color + lipstick, a glass of red wine, a long bath, and a book you enjoyed as a wee young girl. Or was that monkey? Mojo, I'm getting your animals mixed up.
That sounds pretty darn bunny to me. It's important to remember to not treat your bunny as pathetic if you don't want her to be pathetic. For instance, I shouldn't be eating rice pudding right now in a pathetic Bridget Jones-like reaction to a minor break-up.
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Mojo, you have moments where you're just this side of brilliant. The brilliant side of brilliant, I mean.
Really I'm just trying to tell LFL what I think BF has been trying to tell the women on the BB for a while. I couldn't understand it until I got out of my marriage and experienced interacting with men who actually did play me bunny again. However, it's not like it's some miracle solution to all marital problems. The zoo keeper has to get all the animals healthy before a relationship can be healthy. A marriage can't survive on a strong St.Bernard/Bunny dynamic alone. Also, I still can't wrap my mind around the sexism inherent in maintaining the male/female dichotomy which is necessary for sex. I tell myself that I am a post-feminist neo-primitive/romantic but I don't even know how to do "that" yet myself, let alone how to find a guy to play the opposite role so I can only offer LFL the benefit of my hindsight is 20/20 experience so far.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
You said do you remind me of something or someone. My answer to that would be no. Why am I cold. I wouldn't say I am cold. Just trying to attempt to get you to look at things from a different perspective. Like the way your husband may be feeling and why.
LFL, I am so sorry to see this thread and read what you are going through. I have been in and out with your history. Though, I get the feeling that your H just detaches in a "close your eyes and it does not exist" type of way. Ironically, his behaviors, from your perspective at least, seem to be rooted in good nature. It is so hard to read about your M failing when there are still roots of sincerity still there. Yes, your H is clearly loosing his grip on the motivation to work as he demonstrated with his comments. After all this work you have put in, he knew that "platonic" would be a dagger butterflying your heart. Of course you are hurt! He understood the meaning of his words. The question is, were those the words of a man giving up or just the words of an insensitive idiot lashing out?
My thoughts and well wishes are with you.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -- Socrates
I have to agree w/ Lil when she says that your H leaving and the way he did it is having a huge impact on how you are STILL feeling. Did YOU ever go to C back then? I know when my D sitch happened, even after H refused to continue C and said he was just done, no more, I continued to go FOR ME. I can totally understand that you would STILL have feelings of anger, hurt, etc. toward him for how he handled that. It's very easy to decide to forgive a spouse of certain things, but it's not as easy to just forget and you can't just turn off the emotions that go along w/ it and those emotions last a long time.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Lil and Red Thanks for understanding about the impact his leaving had on our M. Yes, we have always had a SSM but I would have cruised through this M without a thought of leaving (I think) until that dreaded time in our lives. Everything has changed. Both for the better (in some ways) and obviously for the worse.
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Did he say when he was planning to tell you about it? Did he just pack a bag and leave?
If you try to analyze in yourself WHY you cannot seem to forgive him... what do you come up with? I'm convinced that your inability to forgive is NOT because of some character flaw of yours, but because there is something real that has not been resolved in spite of all his apologizing, etc. What is it that is still sticking in your craw? I have a feeling it's more than just sex. (I hate it when people say "just sex.")
That's why I said that his recent statement about y'all being platonic seemed to be a cover for rage. I get the idea he's baiting you in some way, provoking you. There's something bubbling under the surface, but I can't put my finger on it.
Well, I don't think he is baiting me or provoking me at this point. I think he is extremely remorseful for what happened. I truly believe that. That is why I have been saying it's ME and my inability to truly forgive. I don't want to get into all the dirty details again about that time, let's just say it was so bad I had a fleeting thought of suicide. I would never have done anything like that and do not have any history of depression. But just getting to the point of even thinking that way really did a number on me. I did stay with that C we were seeing for MC after H decided he didn't want to go anymore. So I did a little IC after the incident. The C told me to move on, H was not coming home, just start dating and living your own life. So that's what I did. The irony is that my R with the man I was seeing while S was probably one of the best things for my self-esteem and one of the worst for my M. But I truly thought the M was dead, so... Yet here was are years later and trying again. I'm wondering if we just got back together too soon. That I didn't work through all those feelings properly and resolve that R with OM to it's conclusion. I don't know. Anyways, we are getting a huge snow storm in the Northeast this weekend and we are all hibernating in the house. Hopefully we will have some good talks.
For strong bunny starters, I propose a wickedly expensive haircut with blonde highlights, a new dress (something girly and flowing), and a pinkish nail color + lipstick, a glass of red wine, a long bath, and a book you enjoyed as a wee young girl. Or was that monkey? Mojo, I'm getting your animals mixed up.
Sounds good SG. I was going to get a new haircut tomorrow but I think I'm going to be snowed in. Definitely before Christmas though. I hate winter, not just for the cold but because I can't wear my short-shorts and spaghetii tops. MJ is right, you might feel sexy shoveling the snow in that parka but it helps to have the right outfit on to enhance the mood. I always feel sexy in skimpier clothing. Guess I shouldn't wear those flannels to bed using that logic.
It's important to remember to not treat your bunny as pathetic if you don't want her to be pathetic. For instance, I shouldn't be eating rice pudding right now in a pathetic Bridget Jones-like reaction to a minor break-up.
Oh boy, I can be the queen of pathetic bunny. But rice pudding? Icky texture, like bugs in your food. Best to stick to the all things chocolate category.
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I tell myself that I am a post-feminist neo-primitive/romantic but I don't even know how to do "that" yet myself, let alone how to find a guy to play the opposite role so I can only offer LFL the benefit of my hindsight is 20/20 experience so far.
And I appreciate that! I always enjoy your musings MJ. LFL
MJ is right, you might feel sexy shoveling the snow in that parka but it helps to have the right outfit on to enhance the mood. I always feel sexy in skimpier clothing. Guess I shouldn't wear those flannels to bed using that logic. 