Love, PAIN and the Whole Crazy Thing

[mcol]

H,

You can send it to [e-mail] Thank ahead of time.

[Dr LOve]

Soon as I get home....

H

[Dr LOve]

I sent it...

H

[Dr LOve]

Oh great Mcol, Get me in the gov. list....

I tried to send it and here was my reply

You sent a message to a us.army.mil user that contained the following files
that are not allowed by Army NETCOM guidance 2004-11A:


I will cut and past it too you when I get back..

Husband

[chocolateeyes]

Can I ask what happened after the confrontation? Are you still DBing or have you moved on?

My wife came to me one evening, broke down in tears, and begged me to take her back. She told me she loved me, had always loved me, that "you are my home," and that she wanted to try to work it out with her. She apologized for hurting me, knew that she was wrong, and wanted to try to save our marriage and our family. I told her I needed to think about it, and the next day told her I had four conditions:

1. That she write a no-contact letter to the OM, the content to be approved by me;

2. She quit her job (their affair began at work, and was facilitated there);

3. She get a full-panel STD test;

4. She change her cellphone number, and get detailed billing on the new one and have it come to me.

She agreed to ALL of them, without hesitation. She quit her job immediately, but dragged her feet on the others but eventually did them all except for the STD test, which is still pending. We're struggling, and under extreme financial stress and possible foreclosure on our house, but we're trying. She backslid once, and re-contacted the OM with her own no-contact letter, and then met with him once and they exchanged text messages. After two weeks of this, she came to me proactively and confessed to slipping up, and this is when she finally agreed to take the steps outlined above (at that point, she had only quit her job, and done none of the other things).

I honestly don't know if we'll make it or not, but she is healthier and safer by not being in the affair anymore, and at least we have a SHOT at making the marriage work. There's a lot of trust issues, obviously, and then of course the longer-term clashing libidos problems.

But I am stronger, and I have my dignity back. I honestly can't imagine just sitting around, "hoping" she leaves him and comes back to me and our family. I drew a strong boundary, insisted on it, and enforced it, and that -- for me -- was huge. I'd never been good at that, and it's a lesson that will serve me well whether it's with her or with someone else.

Choc.

[mcol]

Ok...once again get some snacks and have a seat. As Desi Arnes would say "Lucy, you got some splainin to do". I feel like I just had my own personal Cuban missile crisis.

Spoke to W for three hours last night...amazing what a little much needed communication can do to a relationship

Since receiving her letter with all of the things that most rational people would indicate an affair as per DR and seeing that my W wanted to backdate our separation to the day after I deployed, that she had seen an attorney and I suspected a PA with someone she met online about the same time I got her letter of concern I assumed the worst and took steps to protect my affairs and interests (moved $2500 out of our checking account and cancelled powers of attorney). Reaction was based on fear, anger, suspicion.

W was extremely hurt and angry over what she viewed as a knee jerk reaction to a simple meeting with an attorney and her family's interpretation to this relationship with her friend whom I thought was the OM. In the early part of our conversation she said that my actions had "put her on notice" and that she was likely more apt to pursue legal action faster because I took the money (my money) before talking to her and finding out if she had needs for the money or if my kids had needs.

She did not understand why everyone in her family was reacting to alleged OM. I told her that her meeting a new guy that no one knows in and around the same time she started telling me that she was not content in our R and that she wanted to separate sent red flags up all over the place.

The error I made in this whole situation was to not talk/confront W prior to making assumptions based on perceptions I had from over her in Afghanistan and hearing things from her family about what they were seeing daily.

My M has always been based on honesty and love and I feel sort of like an idiot but honestly feel and still feel that given the same information and timeline I likely would have taken the same course of action. Everyone I have talked to and explained the sitch to said they would have done the same thing that I did.

So the bottom line is that I confronted W about a possible affair and she explained the extent of her R with this OM which I believe.

That does not mean that my R is not in trouble. The last 6-10 months, W has been talking to everyone under the sun about her feelings in our R except for me. We could have avoided most of this situation if she would have not listened to everyone else and talked to me, her H and the one who swore to God to love her more than anyone else on the earth.

Although still very upset by the circumstances, not to mention the position she is in with her family I firmly believe we made a large step forward in our R. However, we are far from safe. I will endeavor not to smother her with my communication but knowing that she is hurting right now I know that this is a prime opportunity for me to be there for her and rekindle our R that was derailed by some really sh$tty communication and total misinterpretation to a series of indicators.

So friends, while I do not feel like I have wasted my time at all in this forum or reading all of your experiences and hearing what you have had to say, I have learned a great deal about what happens when two people who love each other don't talk or explain our feelings.

I told her that I was sorry for the perceptions and assumptions that I made and I will continue to attempt to help her understand how she could have influenced the course of events and insist she take responsibility for lack of communicating with me. She has to understand how her actions oriented around the associated timeline and correspondence affected me and my actions.

Please see my new string in piecing our marriage back together. Thank you, thank you, thank you for everything you have helped me to understand. The validating and assumption of responsibility with things in this relationship are things that I will take away into my new R with my W. With God's help my R will fulfill the lifelong goal I have had...growing old with my W and enjoying our time together as H and W.

Mike

[mcol]

[/link]http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1297263&page=0#Post1297263[/link]

[mcol]

hey everyone...the link in the post above is where I am hanging my hat now.

[chocolateeyes]

mcol,

Good morning. I'm a bit confused, after reading about your sitch. Upon what evidence are you assuming that your assumptions are NOT true? How do you know your wife is not having at least an emotional affair?

I know you WANT to believe this, but something smells funny here to me. You're swinging all over the place, from moving your money one day to totally believing her the next. You need to find a steady, middle ground upon which to make your stand right now.

I believe it was Ronald Reagan who said, "Trust . . . but verify." A keylogger on her computer should do the trick, one way or another.

- Choc.

[mcol]

Choc

I completely understand what you are saying and you are not the only one who has mentioned this same concern. Quite frankly, I have my own concerns. One thing that W said yesterday that sticks in my mind is "If I wanted to have an affair no one would know about it". I believe this to be true. I do believe she has trusted in this guy for emotional support...to what level I would call that an emotional affair, not sure.

Trust me when I say the scenario is not lost on me but I have to be honest that at this moment I am more concerned for the other part of our R that were identified last night and not a possible EA.

I will have to wait and see because I am far from re-kindling anything. But my wife has a very hard time lying and her level of emotion she was dealing with last night makes it very difficult to think she was lying about her relationship with him.

Time will tell...even if it was an emotional affair, she has been called on it and I believe that she wants to save our marriage as well. Me not being there has had a significant impact on her...that and not having her dad right now is just very difficult.

Gotta go call her and then off to my room to reclaim some sleep that I lost over the last several days.