I had a long talk with W the night before leaving on my vacation. She seems agreeable to my divorce proposal, but her unjustified anger towards me (and sometimes the kids) hurts a lot. She says she does not know what she wants in life now and admits that she may regret leaving me in the future. She also mentioned that the OM is probably older than 58 (I would assume my initial search of 67 is it). So my W is about 37 which would make him 30 years her senior. She thinks that she might be thinking of him as a fatherly figure (who she has sex with).
I am in Mazatlan Mexico now having a good time with my kids.
I had a couple of talks with W regarding divorce and our R the last 2 days since the kids and myself have returned from our fun vacation in Mexico. She still does not understand that having our kids interact with OM is possibly damaging to them as I heard D5 talking with OM on the phone yesterday.
She seems so undecided about what she wants in her life. I let it out that she will be getting D papers from me soon and that it will be up to her if she wants to delay or decide to stay in our marriage. She seemed upset that I am paying a lawyer and have set up our checking so as to pay for her lawyer plus any payoff for division of assests. She thought we could do a D without lawyers involved. I am not taking the chance. Her biggest hurdle, if she wants back, will be facing others that know of her A. There would also need to be some restoration of my faith in her. I have told her that I would not look to the past, just as I am doing now in trying to be friendly in the divorce I am initiating.
Even thought she was the one threatening D thoughout since the bomb, I think the reality of a D is starting to hit her hard. I think she realizes that OM will not be a long term relationship. She will lose the health and dental insurance I provide. I keep telling her to go see a dentist before it is too late. She is going to have to pay her own bills and manage money for the first time in her life. She will not have me to help with computer or car problems. She has witnessed that I can do everything that she has normally done in our marriage and can keep a good home environment for our kids. She has a broken cell phone and is using one she does not like. She said she wants to buy a new one. I told her that it would be best now that she get one when she opens up her own service account since we wont have a shared service when we are D'd.
I got emotional last night with her in person and later on the phone telling her of my dreams to have spent the rest of my life with her and to never have a failed marriage. I told her that we will get through must always remain friends for the benefit of the kids and that I have cherished 8 and a half years of our marriage. I want her an her mother to reconcile while her mother is still alive. I also recommended that she get personal counseling some time in the future. I told her that I will see a counselor again if and when we are divorced so as to help myself figure out when and what I want for in my next relationship. I said that it will take both of us a year or two to fully recover following a divorce. The thing I mostly wanted her to understand that it is never too late to reconcile if she decides. Even if we get D'd, we could alway reconnect with our love. She knows that I am an honest, fair and up front kind of guy.
I expressed to her that I hold no hate towards her regarding her EA/PA but that I am diappointed that she did not communicate to me that she was unhappy in our marriage before it got to that point. I think she now understands that men can and will change.
As she left last night, we both had a very nice hug. I dont know what will be going through her head in the next month or so, but there still is hope in my mind. If it ends in a D, I am ready to move on and continue focusing my primary effort on my kids and myself. Life is beautiful.
I went to my lawyer today and signed the divorce papers and they will be filed today. I should have something to give W next week. They are also filing a temp protective restraining order so as to not disrupt the kids schedule and living arrangement.
I called W and told her that I will give her the divorce papers next week. She was mostly so silent. I had to tell her that I cannot read her mind. She had told me (threatened) many times she wanted a divorce following the holidays and I went ahead and took action. I dont make threats.
She seemed a little angry that I would get a divorce using a lawyer and that I would transfer money to our checking from a mutual fund before our accounts are locked during the divorce. I told her we must remain civil and friendly during the process and hopeuflly that will be how we are post divorce. I reiterated that she can delay the divorce or reverse her decision.
I doubt that I could take her back or that she could face my family and friends again as my wife. Her introducing our kids into her promiscuous lifestyle is so unacceptable to me. Also, since she contracted a sexually transmitted disease, each time we would ML in the future, putting on protection would be a reminder of what she did.
I guess I cant really understand her quietness when talking to her about my filing for divorce now. I think it is either that she is feeling guilt about her actions, she has lost control of the situation or that the consequences of life is going to be quite a bit more difficult without me.
W called me at work this afternoon and asked if I wanted her to get me some delicious barbeque as the kids and her were eating there. I said yes and thanked her.
When I got home in the evening, I showed W where to sign on an application for a series of "Kid's First" classes we are required to attend as a family in our county. She saw on the form I filled out that I put down that there was a restraining order. She did not seem angry when I explained it to her. I then asked her if she was ok with me filing for a D and she said yes.
I also told her that I sent emails to our kids teachers and school counselor explaining we are unfortunately divorcing and to please let us know if they observe any behavior changes in our kids.
As she was leaving the house, I repeated to her that she knows me as an honest and good man who will be fair and friendly in our divorce process. We had a nice long hug. I am so hopeful that we can continue on a friendly basis like this for many years to come.
I cancelled our credit cards this afternoon. Also, I decided to take my lawyers advise and get the guns out of the house to a 3rd party to store until this is over. I dont think it is even wise for her to go to a range and put the safety of others at risk with what is on her mind. You cant be angry or distracted when at the range as accidents are caused by carelesness.
My W was going shooting this afternoon so I called her and told her that I cancelled credit cards and that I thought it best that we not have access to guns during the process. They are her guns (except for the rifle) and she can have them after this is over. She went totally irrational on me. I wish she could hear herself. She is off the deep end. I ended up breaking down in tears telling her I dont like what she has become and want the old W back. I dont want our beautiful family to be torn apart. I told her that for the sake of our kids, we must be friendly and civil with each other during our divorce process. I told her that if she does not want to go through life angry and unhappy that she needs to want to try and see a personal counselor to help her understand herself.
Earlier this morning, she must have informed one of her best friends that I had filed for divorce, because this friend called me. W apparently did not tell her that she was in a EA/PA as her friend could not believe it. I told the friend the reason I filed was because of my W's action of having our kids be part of her A. Her friend agrees this was so bad and that she too has noticed that W has changed for the worse over the last year. She will do more talking with my W, but I told her it probably wont do any good.
So now I have heard from her 2 best friends that both admit they envied our marriage and family. They dont want to see her destroy a good thing.
My W's attitude and behavior is sure making it a lot easier for me to go through with this divorce.
Kerry, So sorry you have to go through this. Your family has about the same ages and genders as mine. Looks like you're on the right track by coming here early in the game - much earlier than I did so I'm happy for you. And I'm glad you were the one filing the D, otherwise it could have been messier and you'd have had to wade thru' more insanity.
Canceling the credit cards and asking for primary custody seems like the responsible thing to do - it will make her mad but hang tough and do not yield on the financial and legal front (i.e., stand up for your kids and money as much as legally possible). Do not talk to her about R or the M if you can help it. Do not react to her or plead with her.
And if there's something she wants you to change about yourself that's valid regardless of the D then do it and quietly if it will make you a better person.
Me-48, W-38 M14, D11, S7 W filed D 01/07 W had to move out 06/07 Current Thread
W's close friend called me again late last night pleading with me to work it out. She offered to take care of the kids so we could talk without interruptions. She said W told her that there was no A. I told her she is being lied to by my W. I told her my W does not want to talk R and that she acknowleges to me the A is real along with including my kids as part of her A.
W's friend says I am an excellent family guy and she cannot understand my W's obsession with being a drunken bar flirt as she never drank for over 8 years of our marriage. She believes that my W will have huge regret sometime in the future.
W's friend's last H had an A which resulted in a D for 2 families. She tells me that her ex-H is now having regret and trouble in his marriage. I suspect my W will have the same problem in her next relationship unless she can get some counseling to deal with her inner turmoil.
I suspect my W is not telling her friend the truth about the A because her friend was betrayed just as myself and W was so supportive of her during that time.
I also know of 3 secrets my W is keeping from her good friend but I will let them stay as secrets to her friend. 1) Friend's H (now Ex) was hitting on W at about the time I met W. 2) W's father had A most likely with hookers, was divorced from but living her mother and died from aids 3) W and I met in a dating service.
My W better wake up real quick because I am moving on to a happier life. I dont need to be living in a soap opera.
I called W this morning and told her of the conversation with her friend. Asked her if she lead her friend to believe that all it would take is for us to have a good talk and she would be back in our marriage. She admitted to misleading her friend. She also said I am too truthful. I asked if she absolutely knew for sure that D was what she wanted and if she has any thoughts that she might regret it in the future. She says she does not know the future and may regret it but that she enjoys bar flirting more than family life right now. I told her that we will need to both make sacrifices in the future because of our financial situation will be stressed.
She is making it so easy for me to get this divorce. I just wish it could be done right now.
W came over to take care of the kids as I was going to work out and then attend my nephews BD get together with my brother and cousin at Hooters. As I was leaving in my car, she ran outside and asked me if it was ok, now that I filed for D, that the kids can do things with OM and her. I told her to wait until after the D is official because she is still married to me and it is so inappropriate to have our kids as part of her A. Our conversation quickly became ugly on other subjects. I had to call her several times on my cell phone and things did not get better. I think she finally got the point about not having the kids be with OM until this all blows over as it could affect her custody time with the kids. She is so irrational and cant even be talked to in a friendly manner.
Later, I talked with her and suggested that her and I sit down and talk about our future and/or D plans in a civil and friendly manner sometime this weekend. She seemed agreeable to this.
After I got back from the party, we were friendly in the house preparing for a Chinese carnival tomorrow and I invited her to go with the kids and I to "Build a Bear" since I had some gift certificates. After we finished the bears, I offered for her to go out to dinner with the kids and I, but she declined most likely do to other bar hopping plans. As we parted, I was able to get in a hug and a kiss to her check which she accepted.
My plan is to alway try to be as friendly as possible to W (even after a D), but if she does anything inappropriate with my kids, then I must do all I can to protect them.
I decided this morning to let my cats back into our house. Ever since I got married, my W has disliked my cats and dog (deceased) and thought the were vile and dirty animals. She insisted that I keep them in our cold garage. I now have re-opened the cat door so they can come and go as they please from the garage. My kids are so excited. I am sure W will be very unhappy, but hey, she dont live here anymore.
I have felt so sorry for my pets living condition since I have been married and it should have been something that was a N.U.T (non-negotiable unalterable term) for me all along.
I am starting to really like the forecast for my new life without W in it.
