I just bought a sexy black number for a holiday party. I feel better already. I plan to wear it, flirt and remind myself that I am not DEAD. Do something to climb up out of your emotional hole.
Maybe if you can do it for him, then he'll return the favor :-)
Why not try this: Make love to him exactly like you'd like him to make love to you. Of course there are some anatomical differences, but you can come pretty darn close.
It might help you, because you could fantasize that what you are doing to him is being done to you. And it might help him in terms of desire/satisfaction. Might be just the way to get the ball(s) (sorry, couldn't resist) rolling.
You don't know that he isn't willing to step out of his comfort zone
But yes I do. He said flat out to me "I'm not going to do that. I'm just not comfortable doing that." That was in reference to basically pinning me down or pulling my hair I think. Something he felt was too "rape-like."
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I believe he has actually tried
Yeah, he did. But that was the end of that and he made the above comments.
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he also knows you are going to judge him if/when he fails
I'll admit I've been guilty of that in the past.
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How many times have you said you could have sex but you don't because it isn't what you like?
Many. I know, I know, I know.
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Alpha Soldier Guy is nice, sure... because you don't have to take any emotional risks whatsoever. It is exactly how you like it, so you don't HAVE to say one word.
But I bet the farm it wouldn't STAY that way, because once things got emotional between you, the sex would change.
Probably true. But I think we were emotionally connected even if we didn't come right out and say that at the time. When my H wanted to reconcile, OM told me to try and work it out with H. Looking back, if OM had told me "don't go, I want to make this work", I would have been like putty in his hands. I DID have strong feelings for him. And then when he contacted me about a year later to see if I was still M, happy, whatever, and to tell me he was basically still single...well...that through me for a loop yet again. Lost my point here, other than to say I just don't Know what would have happened if I didn't get back together with my H and that's what bugs me. Would I be happier today? Would I feel less emotional turmoil? a level of contentment? It's all very stressful.
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I think all the anger and avoidance you are accusing your H of... you are actually as guilty of, yourself.
Totally agree. But it doesn't make it just go away. I've got a lot of work to do on myself. Thanks Corri.
If it makes you feel any better I think this is ONE of the issues that H and I have. I can be sexually agressive but I am not dominant. I was pretty agressive during our dating (yeah - I'm a big dummy). I think I was fighting the voice of ex-H in the back of my head telling me that I'm not sexy AND lying to myself that H was just inexperienced not disinterested. It is really crazy making. I'm sure that you have taken steps outside your comfort zone but he corresponding passiveness on his side just makes you want to jump back in. The animal that most represents my sexuality right now is a hibernating bear. If that bear wakes up it will be hungry and P!ssed.
Thanks Karen. I know you can relate. I kept telling myself "but he's such a good guy, so sweet, so nice, so funny, so smart, so..." and really ignored the elephant in the room which was that our SL sucked from the beginning. Dumb, dumb, dumb.
But on a lighter note, I'm going shopping for my own sexy little outfit to wear out with my friends tomorrow. Can't wait to just get away from the stress!
Why not try this: Make love to him exactly like you'd like him to make love to you. Of course there are some anatomical differences, but you can come pretty darn close.
It might help you, because you could fantasize that what you are doing to him is being done to you. And it might help him in terms of desire/satisfaction. Might be just the way to get the ball(s) (sorry, couldn't resist) rolling.
I have done this a few times and it does actually work. I have to be super horny (and maybe a little drunk) to pull it off so that we are both sexually satisfied. I think maybe I do rely too much on my partner to jump start my desire. An aggressive man in the bedroom gets me hot in about 2 seconds, so it makes sense I would prefer that. But when I have to do it basically myself, well, I can get there, but it takes longer. LFL
As I see it, the point that Corri was trying to make is that you can't expect the sex in a long term committed relationship to be like affair sex. In a marriage especially, the stakes always feel so much higher. Even if there was emotional connection between you and OM (and I'm not one of those who says "Oh, it's all fake, it's a lie, what you have with your H. is real, etc",) .... you weren't together enough and committed enough to experience the wax and wane and shifts of a "real" sex life. Maybe it would have still been spectacular, but also maybe not .... so try not to torture yourself with might-have-beens.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
But that was my point to Ket. I didn't get to have a real R with this guy of any significane length (meaning enough for the chemicals to wear off). We dated about 5 months when I was separated from my H. It was never an affair. My H knew I was dating other people after he left and we had signed the legal separation papers.
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Maybe it would have still been spectacular, but also maybe not .... so try not to torture yourself with might-have-beens.
I hear ya. But it's the former that makes me bonkers at times. LFL
"I have done this a few times and it does actually work."
So it sounds like there is a problem of dueling submissive types. What to do?
Some ideas...
I wonder if you take the role of the aggressor often enough if you can then get him to submit to being the aggressor: "OK, now, do exactly as I say. I want you to f*ck me exactly like I f*ck you. Pretend you are me. Don't let me down. Show me how good I am..." The idea here is that eventually you can BOTH pretend to be the aggressor for each other so that you each get what you want sometimes.
Work on your own fantasy life. Can you fantasize that you are being submissive to someone who is directing you to pretend to be the aggressor with H? (Hey, if it works...)
So it sounds like there is a problem of dueling submissive types. What to do?
Some ideas...
I wonder if you take the role of the aggressor often enough if you can then get him to submit to being the aggressor: "OK, now, do exactly as I say. I want you to f*ck me exactly like I f*ck you. Pretend you are me. Don't let me down. Show me how good I am..." The idea here is that eventually you can BOTH pretend to be the aggressor for each other so that you each get what you want sometimes.
Work on your own fantasy life. Can you fantasize that you are being submissive to someone who is directing you to pretend to be the aggressor with H? (Hey, if it works...)
Sex toys and porn to help your arousal?
Are you a sex therapist? Thanks for all your suggestions. Again, I may need to break out the booze to pull some of that stuff off. But heck, if it works... Maybe when I get home from my girls night out tomorrow night. It's been a while since we've had sex so I am starting to climb the walls again.
to pull it off so that we are both sexually satisfied. I think maybe I do rely too much on my partner to jump start my desire. An aggressive man in the bedroom gets me hot in about 2 seconds, so it makes sense I would prefer that. But when I have to do it basically myself, well, I can get there, but it takes longer. 
