Love, PAIN and the Whole Crazy Thing

[chocolateeyes]

mcol,

If your wife tells you want a divorce, in fact -- every time she brings UP the subject -- just simply say "I do not want a divorce." Or, "That's not what I want," or "I don't want to divorce you."

It will exasperate her, but you mustn't waver. Your position is twofold:

1) I love you and do not want a divorce;

2) I will not live in an "open" marriage, nor tolerate infidelity and disrespect from my wife.

You're simultaneously telling her that the current situation is not an option, but also that you don't want to end it. She needs to see you fighting for your marriage, so hopefully she will begin to do the same.

In my opinion, she doesn't believe you will fight for her.

- Choc.

[mcol]

mcol,

In my opinion, she doesn't believe you will fight for her.

Choc--so how do I show her that I am willing to fight for her and my marriage? Demand that she stop the EA? Kind of hard to see that working since she started the EA after she did not think I was sincere about getting out of the Army (10/19/07-I found the email I sent to the Army which she says flipped a switch). She knows that I am getting out but I have said that before. Not sure how to prove it since there are so many months before I am actually out (June 08)

P&DB-I anticipate it because after every major incident/spat over the last two months I have gotten the next step in writing. It is actually pretty disturbing. This last spat she got mad that I told one of her old friends that she and I had a blowout and he should probably call her.

What do you guys think about her re-engaging the bill paying functions for me? She paid the power bill...which does not mean she has taken back over but certainly better than "I am dealing with this f***ing account anymore..you can do it."

[mcol]

Choc,

Also, she started the EA as a result of me not being able to be there. I am still not there so what steps can I take to mitigate the distance??

[chocolateeyes]

mcol,

Your questions seem to boil down to "How can I stop her from having an affair seeing as how I'm so far away, and she's angry with me for being so far away?"

1) You can't STOP her from doing ANYTHING.

2) You need to stop allowing her -- and yourself -- to use your distance as an excuse to have an affair. Your distance may have contributed to whatever abandonment issues she's going thru in her head, but it does NOT give her the right to have an affair. This oozes thru all of your posts, and I suspect it oozes through your convos and writings with your wife.

3) What you CAN do is let her know that you are not willing to stay married while she IS having an affair, that you love her, and that you want to fight for, and work on, your marriage.

We can all share specific ideas with you about daily actions, etc., but until you lose this "excusing her affair" thing, we're really not going to get anywhere. You need to put the consequences of this squarely onto her pretty shoulders right now, and then let her squirm and stew with it for awhile.

Learn the fine art of "I'm sorry you feel that way."

Choc.

[chocolateeyes]

mcol, you may have covered this already, but were you already active-military when you got married? To what extent did your wife know the drill she was getting into when she decided to take her vows?

Sorry for the repeat if you already covered this.

Choc.

[chocolateeyes]

Kind of hard to see that working since she started the EA after she did not think I was sincere about getting out of the Army (10/19/07-I found the email I sent to the Army which she says flipped a switch). She knows that I am getting out but I have said that before. Not sure how to prove it since there are so many months before I am actually out (June 08)

mcol, the burden of proof isn't only on you. Yes, you need to demonstrate, in words and actions, that you're working to remove the obstacles to your reconciliation. Unless there's something you haven't shared with us, you've done that -- earnestly -- with your career.

The burden of proof is also on HER to show that she is at least willing to work on her marriage before she makes the unilateral decision to end it, and throw 20 years away. The first step of that work is to end her affair, and step "1a" is to admit that it IS one.

I don't see her doing that, and you need to put that heat squarely back on her. "Honey, I am doing everything within my power to remove what you have indicated are the biggest obstacles to our future intimacy. You need to do the same, and end the affair, so we can work on this marriage. Let me know what you'd like to do, because I am a patient man, but my patience is not limitless."

You are not putting the accountability onto her, and you have not communicated that your patience has an ending point. You don't have to put a date ON it, but you do need to draw a boundary and communicate that there IS a boundary, and you have to decide for yourself first that you MEAN it, and are willing to tell her to get out.

Choc.

Choc.

[pregnant&DBing]

choc, just in case mcol is busy and can't respond for a while:

mcol, you may have covered this already, but were you already active-military when you got married? To what extent did your wife know the drill she was getting into when she decided to take her vows?

W and I have been married for 8 years. I was in the military for 5 years before I met her so I had time to adjust to the culture of the service. Her indoctrination was leave your family, life and hometown to follow me first to Missouri then to Germany for three years. Thankfully, the last four years we have been in NC but we have still be over two hours away. Her family all seems to not know how to handle W and how she has changed since her dad died. It is pretty tragic actually and a lot of counseling is required.

Thanks, choc, for all the energy and effort you're lending to mcol's sitch. It sound like he's in very good "hands."

[pregnant&DBing]

What do you guys think about her re-engaging the bill paying functions for me? She paid the power bill...which does not mean she has taken back over but certainly better than "I am dealing with this f***ing account anymore..you can do it."

I'm assuming this is the power bill for the house that neither of you are living in?

Oh yeah, and when did she start using the eff word?

[Burgbud]

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[mcol]

Hey guys...day 2 of black ops is successful. Although I must admit I now know what a drug addict must feel like. I spent most of today loafing around the office completely doing nothing. I apologize to the the taxpayers today because they did not get their money's worth. I almost caved when our chorus came to perform for us. They sang Christmas carols that were good and festive but only served to remind me that I was missing my first Christmas with my kids and extended family.

To answer some of the previous posts...

Yes, you need to demonstrate, in words and actions, that you're working to remove the obstacles to your reconciliation. Unless there's something you haven't shared with us, you've done that -- earnestly -- with your career

When I was home a couple of weeks ago, I told her my status have been approved by the Army and I started hunting for jobs online. I also contacted a headhunter that specializes in placing military officers in the corporate sector. However, until I go on leave in June I do not think this will firmly resonate because I have been at the brink before and withdrew my paperwork due to lack of a plan. I am not going to do that this time but she will not believe me simply because I have talked about it so frequently that she sees it as a crying wolf type of scenario.

I don't see her doing that, and you need to put that heat squarely back on her. "Honey, I am doing everything within my power to remove what you have indicated are the biggest obstacles to our future intimacy. You need to do the same, and end the affair, so we can work on this marriage. Let me know what you'd like to do, because I am a patient man, but my patience is not limitless."

She believes that I do not consider the OM to a threat nor that she is having an affair. I owe her a conversation to let her know that so she can be put on notice. Honestly I have been thinking how I am going to respond to her question of why I have not called or emailed. I think I will say or type something like this please send me a slap to the head if you think I am smoking dope...

"I haven't called or IM you because I have been trying to resolve this stuff in my own head. I know that I told you I believe you about you and --- but the truth is I do not. Though you may not have had a physical affair your are certainly in an emotional affair by your own submission that you have turned to him in your darkest hour and he has filled the void of me being gone. I cannot accept that he has taken my place as your confidant in our marriage and you have let that happen. I cannot understand how you could possibly turn to him when it comes to the affairs of our children (bb gun for s8) instead of one of your other family members. Quite frankly, I have not been able to resolve in my own head why you, a strong natured person, has allowed yourself to be lured into this affair. You need to end this immediately and engage your family and me for the support you need to get through these times".

I am sure this will evoke one of two responses from her:

1) I don't care what you think about us because nothing is going on. You have not been here to help with anything and he has and you are making this out to be all my fault (it is) so do whatever you want to do...I am done with this.

2) Extreme anger and rage followed by a rehash of all the topics and reasons why she thinks I suck and she has been abandoned in this relationship

3) Or option 3...cold dead silence, well you believe what you want, I don't care nor do I have feelings for you anymore and I want a D.

Ok..I know I am projecting...thank you Army for making me plan my steps months ahead of time. That is producing a huge flaw in me right now.

I'm assuming this is the power bill for the house that neither of you are living in?
Oh yeah, and when did she start using the eff word?

Yeah this is for the house we don't live in...it would be more expenive to turn power off and re-deposit when I come back than to just leave it on and pay 30 a month to maintain.

She has been using quite a few curse words this year. It is only when she is angry though. Kind of funny that it removes that last safety button inside of her...you can tell she is uncomfortable when she says cuss words but it gives that micro vent she really needs to not totally explode.

Thanks for everything you guys..day 3 dark ops coming up.