Could it possibly be something as simple as him being ashamed for being a fast ejaculator and not knowing what to sensibly do about it? You really ought to buy the book "He Comes Next" and it wouldn't hurt to buy "She Comes First" too.
Well, is may be part of it. I think that's why he likes to focus on oral with me, because he does want to me be satisifed when we do it and I usually can't get there just through our IC. More book for the list...thanks
It has been really interesting to see all the directions this thread ventured (including places that have scarred my mind's eye..thanks oldtimer). Sure, there is no doubt that LFL and here H are currently both more sexually passive. Though, I don't think her current situation has anything to do with dominance and submission. It sounds to me like LFL's H completely emotionally detaches when presented with sexual expectations. He ignores the issue and the severity of the issue's impact on the M because he simply cannot cope with this problem right now. With that in mind, I wonder how good of an idea it is for LFL to take matters in her own hands and aggressively pounce her H? Is forcing him to be uncomfortable really then way to conquer his underlying distrust and insecurities? In fact, I wonder if hyper aggressive sexual advances might just serve to remind him that he is sexually inadequate and not the man LFL really wants.
I know it is not nearly as satisfying right now, but LFL, I might recommend an approach made up of smaller more considerate steps. Your H's drive is low, sex is a very sensitive topic, and your H is not connecting the worlds of love and sex. Maybe start by talking with him and asking what makes HIM feel that love/sex connection right now. Then, feed him one of your small and attainable needs. For example, maybe your H find connection in touch and likes to be massaged. LFL, maybe you feed him that you want him to hold you with a forceful grip when you ML. You both agree to your respective parts and set a date to carry them out. Yes, it is kind of clinical and not terribly romantic. Though, starting small and building up is often more successful with emotional disassociation.
Well, he did encourage me to do more pouncing, so I don't know if I would freak him out or anything. But I do think you are right about him just being emotionally detached. Not just sexually, but in all parts of his life.
I think that was a large contributor to why he left. He was like a ticking time bomb that needed to explode. I mentioned before he's always been the good guy and proper, etc. Well, when he left I think he was just sick of doing that..with me...with his family...everyone. He barely spoke to anyone during that time. His desire was to just be alone, hang out at Starbuck's and Barnes and Noble...Well, he had a little more rebellion than that...he got two tattoos during the separation as well. If only he got the red sports car and bodacious blonde......but that's not his style.
Thanks for the tips. And why aren't you starting your own thread?
I guess when he shoots off, he aims for the face, eh?
Nice!
And, for the record, I have never been able to get the visual of Cheney and Mojo out of my head. Ever. At the end, he clutches at his heart, and it fades to black.
What do the tattoos look like and where are they (on him)?
To me, this puts a different spin on his disappearance... it's like the final adolescent breaking-away thing. Like he just felt completely oppressed by everyone, didn't know how to tell you, HAD to get away, packed his bags and ran. I think most people have to do this at some time in their lives, but usually it happens at a younger age, at college, a junior year abroad or something. They just throw over everything and blow!
Not that this excuses the damage it did to your R. But it sounds like his breaking away thing was waaaay overdue.
I wonder if you can reframe it in your mind as an overthrowing of his childhood/adolescence and NOT as primarily an abandonment of you... would that help you forgive?
The tattoo... that's what makes me think along these lines. My late H's first wife was very controlling perfectionist type 1 and one of the things he did after he left her was get a tattoo for his 50th birthday. It was a symbol of independence.
I find this new piece of information encouraging...
Is one of the reasons you can't forgive because HE thoughtlessly indulged in this totally selfish overthrow of the known order and that's something you would have liked to do but could not ever let yourself do because of your children?
And yet he was at the place where he was about to blow... and you hadn't quite gotten to that place...?
Just fishing around.
One time I was on a driving trip with a close girlfriend. We got to Santa Fe and we were getting ready to set out in the morning. At breakfast she said, "Oh I have this terrible headache and my period just started, so I will be perfectly useless today." I was instantly FURIOUS! It took me a while to figure out why... but what I came up with was: this was MY vacation, too, and here she was announcing that SHE was basically checking out and from now on *I* could do everything, drive, navigate, pick where we were going to eat and stay-- it felt like she was completely dropping her end of the rope and I was just supposed to go along with it.
A trivial example compared to your sitch, but do you see the similarity?
What do the tattoos look like and where are they (on him)?
One on each tricep. Let's just say they have to do with artwork from his favorite band but they also represent each of our children. And I agree, it was very much like an adolescent break. But that's also what bugs the crap out of me about it.
Quote:
Is one of the reasons you can't forgive because HE thoughtlessly indulged in this totally selfish overthrow of the known order and that's something you would have liked to do but could not ever let yourself do because of your children?
What grown adult hasn't fantasized even a little bit about ditching all the responsibilities and going off on their own. Heck yeah, I've thought about it. But here I sit, even after the fact. So it makes him seem like a boy at times, not a man. But to be fair, he was never totally selfish. He was still great with the kids as a father and gave me more money than he had to in order to cover my expenses. (Not that it matters now because he was racking up debt in the meantime which I ended up inheriting when he came back). Happy to say we just paid the last of it off this month! Debt free!
