Just thought of something that may bear a problem. I have a female co-worker whom W knows. She is my peer in rank and she and I have talked about our individual relationships to each other as a way to vent during this deployment. There are not many other people that I know well enough over here to talk to about what is going on in my M. My roommate has been a great sounding board and I believe the smartest thing to do is stop talking to this other female and only talk to my roommate and a chaplain.
Is there a possibility that my W thinks I am having an EA as well? Naturally, I am not and could stop talking to her this minute but I see this as biting me in the a$$ when the real arguments start rolling.
I am also considering getting an AD over here. I have to stay engaged in the mission over here otherwise people are at risk and this next three months will drag like crazy.
Ya'll thoughts???
mcol Me: 34 Deployed W:32 (EA started Oct 07) S:8 D:3 S:18 mos ILYBNILWY-12/14/07 Request for backdated separation 12/14/07 Top areas to work: 1) Communication 2) Repairing me, focusing on me
I have been blinded by a flash of the obvious. She said during one of our fights a little while ago that she thought that I would not have a problem, given our current troubles, if she dated other people after I returned but was waiting to until the Army let me move out towards the family.
WTFO!!!!! I, of course, responded with total shock and disbelief and said I would have a huge problem with it. I told her that she was still married!!!! I think this goes directly to Choc's statement of I am not willing to live with an open marriage.
Just another interesting bit of information. Thanks everyone for everything thus far.
mcol Me: 34 Deployed W:32 (EA started Oct 07) S:8 D:3 S:18 mos ILYBNILWY-12/14/07 Request for backdated separation 12/14/07 Top areas to work: 1) Communication 2) Repairing me, focusing on me
"I have not called or IM'd because I've needed to rethink what I'm looking for from our marriage. I'm not happy, and it's obvious you aren't either, and we both know that you're having an affair. I will no longer carry on conversations with you, or work to meet your emotional needs, so long as you're disrespecting our marriage this way. I've thought a lot about this over the past ___ days; I suggest you do the same. I love you; I have to go." (and hang up)
I'm still not understanding why you are allowing her to use your military service as an excuse to pull away from you emotionally and physically, when she knew what your career was when she married you???
Quote:
However, until I go on leave in June I do not think this will firmly resonate because I have been at the brink before and withdrew my paperwork due to lack of a plan. I am not going to do that this time but she will not believe me simply because I have talked about it so frequently that she sees it as a crying wolf type of scenario.
Now THAT, I agree with. You are all over the road with her, and she frankly probably doesn't know WHAT to expect from you.
Let me ask you a question: who is paying for the infrastructure (computer, ISP, cellphone, etc.) that she is using to carry on her affair?
"I have not called or IM'd because I've needed to rethink what I'm looking for from our marriage. I'm not happy, and it's obvious you aren't either, and we both know that you're having an affair. I will no longer carry on conversations with you, or work to meet your emotional needs, so long as you're disrespecting our marriage this way. I've thought a lot about this over the past ___ days; I suggest you do the same. I love you; I have to go." (and hang up)
I'm still not understanding why you are allowing her to use your military service as an excuse to pull away from you emotionally and physically, when she knew what your career was when she married you???
Quote:
However, until I go on leave in June I do not think this will firmly resonate because I have been at the brink before and withdrew my paperwork due to lack of a plan. I am not going to do that this time but she will not believe me simply because I have talked about it so frequently that she sees it as a crying wolf type of scenario.
Now THAT, I agree with. You are all over the road with her, and she frankly probably doesn't know WHAT to expect from you.
Let me ask you a question: who is paying for the infrastructure (computer, ISP, cellphone, etc.) that she is using to carry on her affair?
Let me ask you a question: who is paying for the infrastructure (computer, ISP, cellphone, etc.) that she is using to carry on her affair?
She is paying for her cellphone, ISP (now that I know she has her own account); computer was byproduct of her going to school and paid for. New desktop was bought by MIL because our old computer went on fritz. She still has access to our joint account and I have yet to change my direct deposit since kids daycare and house payment are directly linked to these accounts and she has all of the bill paying data.
When I come out of dark..still trying to get past emotional detachment of not talking/IMing every day. Once I do, I will use what you wrote. Thanks!
mcol Me: 34 Deployed W:32 (EA started Oct 07) S:8 D:3 S:18 mos ILYBNILWY-12/14/07 Request for backdated separation 12/14/07 Top areas to work: 1) Communication 2) Repairing me, focusing on me
She said during one of our fights a little while ago that she thought that I would not have a problem, given our current troubles, if she dated other people after I returned but was waiting to until the Army let me move out towards the family.
She was gauging your reaction ... and *hoping* that you would roll over and play dead. She's already actively involved with OM ... at least emotionally ... and she's looking for "permission" from you, her H, so that she can justify what she has already done.
She's lost it, dude. She's an alien right now. It doesn't make sense to us, thank gawd, because we're thinking logically ... and we don't understand illogical behavior. If you sit around right now and try to analyze everything she's doing -- and why she's doing it -- you'll drive yourself crazy.
And that's the reason you gotta do whatever you gotta do for *you*.
Here's the "nut" question that I've always asked anyone in your shoes:
If the way she's being right now is the way she's gonna be, can you live with her? Can you stay married to her? If not, then what do you have to lose by growing a little backbone and telling her you won't tolerate it?
*Worst-case scenario*: You tell her you won't tolerate it, and she tells you to take a hike.
How much worse is that than what you're dealing with right now? It's really not that much different at all, IMHO.
Do what you have to do *for you*. What can you tolerate? What can't you compromise on?
I guess you guys are right...what is the worst that could happen? The shock that is associated with losing her is starting to lose its potentcy but still stings...I had a doozy of a dream this morning.
Wanted to shoot this to you guys and get your feedback. This was just before the IM string that made me go dark...
This is from W... If it gives you any peace at all, talking to you yesterday and knowing that you hear what I am saying even though my own family doesn't is probably the first glimmer of possibility or hope that I have experienced in several months re: our marriage
I think it is a ploy to throw me a bone, keep me engaged and still conduct her business as usual.
mcol Me: 34 Deployed W:32 (EA started Oct 07) S:8 D:3 S:18 mos ILYBNILWY-12/14/07 Request for backdated separation 12/14/07 Top areas to work: 1) Communication 2) Repairing me, focusing on me
This COULD be, as you say, her "asking permission." Probably is. But it could also be her hoping he'll step up and defend her -- fight for her. It's hard to say, but the GOOD news for mcol is, his response to either possibility can (and should) still be the same:
Firmness.
My wife told me after she ended her affair, and we were reconciling, that she was, indeed, looking for me to notice her, to fight for her, to admire her and show that I was attracted to her. I asked her how the HELL I was supposed to do that when she was having an affair, and she admitted it was stupid (and wrong), but it IS, nevertheless, what she was looking for from me.
