Ann, Any idea why your note from yesterday disappeared? It seemed to me there are nothing in it to warrant it being intentionally deleted - so for now I'm assuming it was some mistake or technical glitch.
But I hope you remember the context. W got back to me by e-mail with the details after meeting D11's teacher - the tone was fine. Any suggestions on where to take it from here in order to create face to face meetings as Lan suggested without the perception of pressure or pursuit?
Me-48, W-38 M14, D11, S7 W filed D 01/07 W had to move out 06/07 Current Thread
There was just a passing reference to *******. But a whole lot of important, thoughtful messages by several people including ann25, lanzo, Atlas that had absolutely nothing to do with this reference were also deleted. This was a good part of my thread and took a lot of people's time to create and I'd hoped to refer back to it many times. I'm disappointed now ;-(
Last edited by sgctxok; 12/21/0710:45 PM.
Me-48, W-38 M14, D11, S7 W filed D 01/07 W had to move out 06/07 Current Thread
Please don't delete this post to FB2, I won't reference the unmentionable. On a side note, it may be helpful to have a tag up top that says DB'ing doesn't endorse or doesn't necessarily agree with x, while we have found these list of books helpful. Maybe a good list and bad list.
I remember some of what I wrote, so let me try and recreate the post. You need to start to examine feelings and thoughts of all parties involved.
First your W: She is resentful, she feels she has reached out to you, served you, etc...for 15 years and to what result? To a result that she feels spent and has anger and resentment. Then OM comes along, validates her feelings, gives her the EN that she has been missing. Well she isn't the "type" of person that would have an A, in her mind. So the guilt is killing her, eating her inside. So what she does is direct it at you, he did this to me, he made me feel inadequate like a slave, and her anger builds. So she tries to push your buttons, which person could do it better so be carefule, and if she gets a reaction then she gets justification for her feelings for OM and her actions. So no matter what don't react, don't give her that satisfaction.
Now the OM. For his this is dating, I know this is hard to remember, but it is playful and fun. Your not looking for a life, a wife and kids, just someone fun to hang out with. Then as things become more serious, you get drawn in. Well if you interfere then they have to chance to ruin it themselves. She will always wonder if she missed out on her romance of a lifetime. So don't ever ask, don't snoop, don't bother. What will happen, is as you don't react to her button pushing, she will become more and more guilt ridden. She will sit around and complaing to him, crying and whining how bad you treated her. Suddenly, OM sits back and goes what am I doing, I would treat you the same as well, your a downer a crier and I've had it. His friends will point it out. In a guys eyes, if it where your friend you would say, "hey man, this girl is emotionally unstable, what are you doing?" He will begin to question, then the fights begin the R will crumble. But this doesn't happen this week, this month, it could take 6 months to 2 years. You have to have your marathon shoes on.
You. You have to stay calm at all times. Women want to talk, they want someone to hear there problems without trying to fix it for them. They want to validated. She may tell you problems with you, that isn't initiating a door for you to fix, keep validating, and she will start talking about her problems at work, kids, school, etc. She just wants someone to listen to her. Be confident, calm and collected, act "as if" look your best. Well as you begin to build that trust even in the smallest interactions, the OM is ruining his with her. Why? Because why should he have to deal with your R breakup on her end.
So give it time, realize that GAL is necessary to ease your mind. Follow the techniques. Get that PMA, tell yourself your going to have a good day. It will change.
When this happened to me, I was in a decent paying job. Not what I wanted to be doing, but it wasn't bad. I finally left, because for weeks I sat there staring at the wall doing nothing. Then the day before I finally left, I went out all night drinking, pulled in the parking lot to take a swig, went into the bathroom to put on the clothes I had just picked up at home. Never slept that night. I was in the top 5 of a couple hundred person company. Couple of hours later, I'm in the hall way and caught in an imprompto meeting with the Pres, VP, and one of the IT guys I was out with all night. I lean against the wall with my hand and fell flat on my face. I was never confronted. IT guy says to this day they had no idea, but I don't believe it. I was so embarassed the next day I turned in my resignation.
Reason I tell you that story, is you think everything is hopeless. Well I now have W hanging out occasionaly, I was asked out today by a very attractive, but younger, women. I know that I will be more than fine if W goes, I don't want her to go, but if she does, I will be fine. Matter of fact, I'm now pushing for the D and will get it, she wants to work on things after that, but we will see. So don't beat yourself up. Do as I said above and things will change.
Now the OM. For his this is dating, I know this is hard to remember, but it is playful and fun. Your not looking for a life, a wife and kids, just someone fun to hang out with. Then as things become more serious, you get drawn in. Well if you interfere then they have to chance to ruin it themselves. She will always wonder if she missed out on her romance of a lifetime. So don't ever ask, don't snoop, don't bother. What will happen, is as you don't react to her button pushing, she will become more and more guilt ridden. She will sit around and complaing to him, crying and whining how bad you treated her. Suddenly, OM sits back and goes what am I doing, I would treat you the same as well, your a downer a crier and I've had it. His friends will point it out. In a guys eyes, if it where your friend you would say, "hey man, this girl is emotionally unstable, what are you doing?" He will begin to question, then the fights begin the R will crumble. But this doesn't happen this week, this month, it could take 6 months to 2 years. You have to have your marathon shoes on.
Hang on to this quote from Atlas, cos word for word this is has just happened with my W. OM has had his fun then binned W, I think W was looking for more than he was willing to give. W even had the gaul to tell me their last encounter was a disaster.
Hardest for me thing was to see her leaving with her overnight bag, and all I could do was to tell her to have good time. Now it's done she's full of guilt, doesn't know where to turn, and is looking for me to give her an out.
So you hang on in there
Me:50 W: 49 T:20yrs M: 14 yrs D:11 2005 PA 2006: EA (2003 : 2007) 2007: April ILYBNILWY Aug PA, Sept Separate 2008: Feb Piecing 2009 Limbo 2011: Separated (same house) 2013: Divorcing
I remember the just of it, but couldn't rewrite it like atlas did. wish i had that kind of memory.
I know the point was limit contact to important stuff and you don't need to validate over and over. Calling her back to validate more is overkill.
As for getting a face 2 face, is there anything going on with the kids coming up? What are you all doing for the holidays? I think there are a lot of legitimate reasons to meet up and talk. It's just important to make sure it's a good reason otherwise it will seem like you are being clingy and just want to be around her.
for what Atlas posted... this is a great post to read and reread. The whole thing.
Originally Posted By: atlas
...OM comes along, validates her feelings, gives her the EN that she has been missing. Well she isn't the "type" of person that would have an A, in her mind. So the guilt is killing her, eating her inside. So what she does is direct it at you, he did this to me, he made me feel inadequate like a slave, and her anger builds. So she tries to push your buttons, which person could do it better so be carefule, and if she gets a reaction then she gets justification for her feelings for OM and her actions. So no matter what don't react, don't give her that satisfaction.
SOOOO TRUE! My H asked me for a D after a year where he put me down and hurt me... and now he wanted a D. I was hurt first, but i was pissed off. A couple months later i had an EA. OM said everything I wanted to hear. I could vent to him, tell him how terrible my M had been, blah blah blah. I got his attitude towards my H like, you are supposed to love me, yet here is OM that actually cares what i say/think/feel (he didn't, but he played it well). I took that frustration out on H. I was also guilty. I never thought I'd have an A of any kind. I lied and hid it. I wasn't being me and I was miserable on the inside. my family didn't deserve that and i had all this guilt from everything. In my mind, at the time, H started all this by treating me so bad, that it was his fault (alien mindset) and i took it out on him. Every time he'd get mad, it was just one more reason that i needed OM.
It is definately going to be a long bumpy road. Hang in there.
If i can't fall in love... I'd like to fall in chocolate! ~ Author Unknown
The book you mentioned is not recommended nor references permitted on the board. The author goes by various names and many of the techniques are destructive to relationships. The discussions therefore confuse folks trying to DB effectively.
He does mention Michele's work, but takes off on a completely different direction.
Hope that helps your understanding.
Can you plz send me a PM of who this author is? Just curious on what to tell ppl NOT to read! Thanks!
M:42 W:38 D:9 S:6 married: 15+ together: 12.5 Bomb dropped: 4/18/05 Back together: 9/30/07 In trouble again: NOW
