Then I suppose it was a very good thing I got indignant on behalf of LFL and yelled and screamed foul to his child/toddler comparisons (which only Mojo has referred to herself as, btw, and has NEVER called anyone else), or you all wouldn't be calling him genius right about now, would you?
Good point. I say that about myself because of my tendencies towards being a Type 7 dopamine fiend monkey type. Obviously both men and women can act monkey. For instance, IC is in a bucket of hot water because of his monkey behavior. Kind of makes me feel like a nice little bunny sitting with her legs crossed in her Sunday dress by comparison. Which brings up the good point that I am a total sex fiend yet I never had an affair even though I am a natural uninhibited social (as opposed to sexual) flirt and there were men interested even during the years I was wearing a cookie and baggy overalls burka.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Sorry to keep babbling on your thread but I also wanted to note that if acting out a man's submissive fantasies was the secret to fixing a SSM then mine would have been just fine. What I found was that of course you can somewhat up the frequency of sex by being dominant because everybody has a part of their drive that is submissive. If I go back to the statistic that says most men prefer that a woman initiate sex 1/3 of the time, I believe this statistic is based on the extent to which most men like and/or tolerate being in a more submissive role. I mean kind of the opposite of the guy who has constant submissive fantasies is the guy who freaks out if you pinch his b*tt because maybe he's not a man if he likes that kind of thing or the guy who is so controlled that he doesn't like to orgasm when given head. Of course, your sich is different than mine. Sometimes the sex is the problem in a sexual relationship.
Another thing I should note is that physical attractiveness is more strongly aligned with the submissive role. I grossed you guys out by saying I could have sex with Dick Cheney but that was only because I was imagining him as thoroughly dominant. The thought of being in the presence of Dick Cheney acting like a sexual monkey is a huge turn-off. Jimmy Smits, on the other hand "Where'd I put my rope?"
Last edited by MJontheMend; 12/21/0711:27 AM.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
"Sorry to keep babbling on your thread but I also wanted to note that if acting out a man's submissive fantasies was the secret to fixing a SSM then mine would have been just fine"
I don't think anyone is trying to say that.
My suggestion was that LFL's H has fantasies that he can't even acknowledge. He probably isn't asexual. The most likely scenario in my mind is that he is submissive. If that is what floats his boat and being the aggressor is a turn-off for him, then one thing LFL can do is try to do what works for him, try to make that work for her, and then hopefully move to a more give and take sexual R.
Right now her H is so repressed he can't even acknowledge his own sexuality, probably because of intense shame feelings.
I actually think sex, in particular a lack of sexual authenticity, is often a big problem in a problematic sexual relationship -- though it is probably more often because it is the woman, not the man, who can't be sexually authentic. Though, consider, for instance, that sexual inauthenticity was a factor for both GEL and her H in their R. Their sexual R improved dramatically as soon as they both became more authentic with each other.
Just got home from being a parent helper in my daughter's class this morning. I always feel like I'm just one of the other kids when I go to these things. There were three moms there. Me and these two other no-joke moms. They are all business and all cow. They even had to scold me at one point for almost forgetting to wash my hands before setting up the treats the the kids. How humiliating. So when I said I had all parts/animals in me, I know I am sorely lacking in that area. Might need some work. Still, I got along marvelously with the mom's by chatting them up about what kinds of fun things they'd be doing over the break! So it all balanced out I guess. Probably was also a smart move not to let slip I was going out bar-hopping with my girlfriend's tonight and ditching the family just days before Christmas. Know your audience and all...
Right now her H is so repressed he can't even acknowledge his own sexuality, probably because of intense shame feelings.
Well, in his defense, he's come along way since our earlier days. He used to Never let me give him a blow job. Now, he is more welcoming. And he's always been excellent at oral on me. That's never been an issue. So it's not that he's not sexual. It's just that sometimes I want a good long dirty f@ck and that's where it all sort of falls apart. He has never had problems with ED or anything like that. It's just tends to be fairly short. Not him, the sex lol. Too bad too, because he is certainly well hung and it seems like such a waste.
I think I'll change my sig line... "Behind every genius (eyefckingroll) man, is a WOMAN."
Thats a good place for her.
Absolutely. It allows me to escape out the back door with my research notes and be on my way while you distract everyone up front, sopping up the very last bit of Accolades Gravy with your oh so tasty Glutton Bread.
Quote:
(as long as she doesnt have a knife.)
I don't need one, aa I do not LIVE behind you. I just use that space to my benefit, honey.
Just got home from being a parent helper in my daughter's class this morning. I always feel like I'm just one of the other kids when I go to these things. There were three moms there. Me and these two other no-joke moms. They are all business and all cow. They even had to scold me at one point for almost forgetting to wash my hands before setting up the treats the the kids. How humiliating. So when I said I had all parts/animals in me, I know I am sorely lacking in that area. Might need some work.
LOL- That is so much like something that would have happened to me. I always thought of those kinds of moms as being more lioness, as in "I was a corporate shark lawyer but now I am home with the kids for a few 'quality' years and d*mn straight this PTO is going to set a fund-raising record if I'm in charge." or "I'm just calling to double-check that if you are serving anything with sugar in it at the birthday party you will provide Ashley with a vegetable only alternative." I was always a pretty monkey-modified cow as in "Let's make homemade purple donuts and then you kids can dig in the mud and bend all the spoons."
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Could it possibly be something as simple as him being ashamed for being a fast ejaculator and not knowing what to sensibly do about it? You really ought to buy the book "He Comes Next" and it wouldn't hurt to buy "She Comes First" too.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
It has been really interesting to see all the directions this thread ventured (including places that have scarred my mind's eye..thanks oldtimer). Sure, there is no doubt that LFL and here H are currently both more sexually passive. Though, I don't think her current situation has anything to do with dominance and submission. It sounds to me like LFL's H completely emotionally detaches when presented with sexual expectations. He ignores the issue and the severity of the issue's impact on the M because he simply cannot cope with this problem right now. With that in mind, I wonder how good of an idea it is for LFL to take matters in her own hands and aggressively pounce her H? Is forcing him to be uncomfortable really then way to conquer his underlying distrust and insecurities? In fact, I wonder if hyper aggressive sexual advances might just serve to remind him that he is sexually inadequate and not the man LFL really wants.
I know it is not nearly as satisfying right now, but LFL, I might recommend an approach made up of smaller more considerate steps. Your H's drive is low, sex is a very sensitive topic, and your H is not connecting the worlds of love and sex. Maybe start by talking with him and asking what makes HIM feel that love/sex connection right now. Then, feed him one of your small and attainable needs. For example, maybe your H find connection in touch and likes to be massaged. LFL, maybe you feed him that you want him to hold you with a forceful grip when you ML. You both agree to your respective parts and set a date to carry them out. Yes, it is kind of clinical and not terribly romantic. Though, starting small and building up is often more successful with emotional disassociation.
Any way, this is just my humble view.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -- Socrates
