Hi bhopeful, I have the same issue with my W and mobile bill. I didn't make a point of it at first because she is worse of financially and was the one to move out. One month though it was 4 times as big and I brought it up but trying not to make a point, I asked if her phone had been stolen because, I'd received a large bill and was worried someone was running up a big bill before it got disconnected. The idea about changing the monthly minute plan as an approach is good, will let her know without putting her in a corner.
It's a tricky one, I've decided to keep on paying it for now, as I know the reason the bills are large is she is talking with family that are in another country. She's also making an effort to not run it up too much. If she pulls away more or if I find there is OM will pull the plug on it though.
When I'm stuck on stuff like this I try and remember that everything I do has to generate either good will or respect or better still, both. So if I feel she really appreciates me stumping up for the bill, that's good will. If I think she's just using me to pay it then there is neither good will nor respect and I'd pull the plug.
For a while I would check her cell phone bill to see how much she was using, that was how I found out about OM. After I had time to digest this I realized if you don't pay the bill they will find other ways to get together. It's better to pay the bill than have to worry about what happens when you don't.
M: 30 W: 29 D: 4 S: 2 M: 7 years Dropped bomb: 11/26/07 My sitch
I plan on paying it, but I feel like she needs to know that it's so high and it's because of her. I just want her to be a bit respectful, that's all. I think that I will up the minutes on the plan though as this is the second month that this has happened. The first month it was 1 and a half times bigger, now it's twice as large. Hopefully this usage isn't exponential! One thing I guess is that if she's on the phone that much then she can't be out doing other things. She was just shy of 4000 minutes this month. That's over 66 hours on the phone!
Me: 29 W: 28 T: 10 M: 7 No kids 2 Dogs and 1 Cat With Parents: 09/16/07 Apartment: 10/13/07 Back Home: ~2/16/2008
I'd be careful of making her life as comfortable as possible. I think it's a bit important to show them the choices they are making and how it effects their life. I really don't believe, at least in my case, that WAW's think too far beyond the present moment. That said, I paid my part of my cell bill last month but separated my phone from hers last month. Suppose it depends on the sitch too. If ur under the same roof matters would be a good bit different. Just be careful about financing your own doom.
Point taken jmw. I know that she needs this space though if she's ever to come back to me. I don't want her to come back because she can't hack it out on her own. I want her to come back because she wants to come back. It's a bit of a fine line between getting used and helping the one you love.
Me: 29 W: 28 T: 10 M: 7 No kids 2 Dogs and 1 Cat With Parents: 09/16/07 Apartment: 10/13/07 Back Home: ~2/16/2008
W called and we're meeting for lunch to exchange gifts. She doesn't think that we'll get together on Christmas. I should be happy just being able to meet with her today though. And I am.
We got into a little R talk. I offered for her to come to the house and she said that she doesn't feel comfortable here. Ouch. She said she gets all tense and her back hurts for hours after she leaves. Talk about crushing my spirit... I asked her if it was me. (Bad DB, I know.) She told me that she wasn't really sure what it is. I don't know. This sucks. I thought that we had made some progress and that she was feeling more comfortable around me. Sadness.
I gotta get ready to go. I'll write more later... B
Me: 29 W: 28 T: 10 M: 7 No kids 2 Dogs and 1 Cat With Parents: 09/16/07 Apartment: 10/13/07 Back Home: ~2/16/2008
My W is a bit the same, I think its a mix guilt and missing you / their old home/life and they don't want to feel either.
My W could pay 600 a month less by moving back to where we used to live (I wouldn't be there) but she can't face it, she'd rather be poorer. Its not me I think its just can't face being reminded of me/what was us.
Its shows you they must be suffering, so be bright and happy as you can, they are struggling to stay out at sea in the storm, we need to look like the cosy, calm port with a luring lighthouse.
You are right about them being confused,my wife told me that she has a presciption to help her sleep and one for depression,so I know she is having a hard time with what she has done here.
I am just concetrating on PMA and being a good friend,I still believe that with enough time and space she will figure out that she has made a mistake and we will get this thing put back together.
I have just been letting her make contact and decide when and how much time we spend together.
Married 28 yrs Seperated 6 mths Rec D Papers 11/24 W Canceled D Moved Back Home 3/1/08 2 Kids D23 and S16 Trying 2 Put R Back Together
I wouldn't worry about the back thingy...I have all kinds of back pain and I rarely communicate with my WAW. It sounds a bit like stress to me. She did say she was uncomfortable. If mine asked me to come back in the house that would be like inviting me back home. Anyhow, congrats on her bringing up R talk. Just try to listen, validate, and talk much less. Another thing, she might not have wanted to come over and talk about R for any period of time. I'd be thrilled if mine mentioned us. However, you did get the message out. She might ask to talk about R at your place another day. So, for now, I would not be upset by it. Perhaps, I would try other things like meet at other places and such like your x-mas gift exchange...
Heck be happy, once again she contacted you, is thinking of you, and she even has a gift for you.
I should be happy just being able to meet with her today though. And I am. 